Kanye...last name West

The baby kicked me! Four times...like he was beating on a drum. I was sitting in my Mum's kitchen in Okotoks, having a cup of tea when it happened. Thump. I just stopped because I knew right away what it was.

Wow.

Also, as a side note, we have decided to temporarily name the baby Kanye until we can find a real name. We thought it was funny. Apparently, so far, nobody else does. Let's hope Kanye inherits our sense of humour, otherwise this is going to be a very long 18 years.

Great Expectations

We went to our 18 week ultrasound today and I'm happy to say that everything looked healthy and exactly as it should. It's always a funny feeling to lie on the bed , looking up at the fancy monitor, and see this wriggling alien think looking back at you from behind your abdominal wall. It's actually really weird.

Originally I really didn't want to find out what sex the baby was because I thought it would be nice to keep it a surprise. Brian wanted to know because he thought it would help him get his head around the whole idea and so, after discussing it we decided to find out. And I'm so glad I did. So, do you want to know? Well, either way you;re probably going to find out if you read my blog, so here it goes....it's a BOY!!

Don't let the all-caps and exclamation points confuse you - that is not how I felt when I first found out. I went in there telling myself that no matter what is was, I just wanted it to be healthy. I was leaning towards a girl but I thought I would be fine either way. Or so I thought. As soon as the nurse told us it was a boy my heart dropped into my chest and I felt my eyes fill up with tears. I managed to hold it in until the technician left the room and then I started to cry. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was some deep-seeded psychological desire to see myself in miniature but either way, I was crushed. I was surprised at the strength of my disappointment which of course, then led to guilt about how I was feeling. This was my baby! How could I feel this way!? More tears ensued, followed my an inner monologue, held in warp speed that went something like this:

It's a boy. Not, it can't be a boy...it's supposed to be a girl. I wanted to do its hair and name it after my Grandma. What if I never have a girl and every single video, diary, letter and song I've ever written with the intention of passing onto my daughter is wasted. A son won't care about how I felt when I was 16! Oh my god, a son! What do you do with a son? He's going to grow and I'll have spent my whole life trying to protect him only to receive a midnight phone call that he's been in an accident and was killed going 150 km/hour with his best friend on the roof rack! Calm down, calm down...think about your brothers. They weren't driving like maniacs with their friends on the roof - you were! How could you feel this way - you are a horrible person. Why don't you just wish him into a club foot while you're at it. Names - oh my god! You don't have any names! You have a ton of girl names and no boy names...this kid is going to end up like the Pheonix brothers and have to name themselves and end up as a Rainbow or Superman or worse, as a Warren! Why did you think it was a girl in the first place, you should know better than that. You know about genetics, you knew it was a fifty-fifty shot all along. And Brian, at least biologically, is the one who determined the sex anyway. That's right it's HIS fault! He wanted a boy and he got one. When do I get what I want!?!? Oh right, I wanted a baby, I guess this is what I want. See, look how selfish you are. A healthy, active baby and all you can think about is pink tights and hair ribbons. It's okay, it will be okay, you're going to love this baby more than anything in the whole world and by tomorrow you won't even mind it's a boy. Okay, maybe by next week. Definitely by the time it's born. This will all be okay. I can't believe it's a boy. And I'm going to be a MOM.

And I was right...I am okay with it and it only took a day or so. I bought a little blue sleeper last night and as I held it in my hands and put it away in what will soon become the baby's room I sat on the bed and allowed myself to imagine. A tiny baby, completely dependent on us for food, protection and love. A part of myself and a part of Brian, joined into a new person who I would get to know and watch grow and be there to cheer on. Who will call me (gulp) Mom and reach for me when he falls and who will go to school and draw me pictures and go on dates and borrow my car and I started to cry for an entirely different reason. This baby, whether it's a boy or a girl, will be a person and best of all, he will be our little person. And as I sat there looking at the booties and the sleepers and the mobile I fell head over heels in love, and I haven't even met him yet.

There's a Disco Jive Superstar sleeping in the spare room!

Justin came to stay with us this weekend and I have to say that although it was pretty uneventful, I really enjoyed it. I knew I would, Justin is a very easy guy to be around and just sitting and talking with him is bound to both make you think and keep you entertained. We met up with Suzanne, an old friend from j-schoool (funny how j-school has been relegated to the "old" category even though I finished in 2004...so geographically distant and less relevant I suppose. The school that is, not the people.) I realized how much I missed sitting and talking with intelligent people about books and religion and current events. I've never been one to really get off on the whole mental masturbation thing but I appreciate a nimble mind and always feel enlightened and energized when I've had a particularly interesting conversation.

Justin makes me laugh in the best way possible. He is genuinely funny and I don't know that he even knows it. It's nice when people who you grow to really care about, through distance, time and internet connections, ends up being even better in real life.

Vancouver...and assorted ramblings

Vancouver, as always, was wonderful. We ate every type of Asian food you can think of (best Korean food since Korea), walked until our bodies ached and managed to squeeze in the art gallery, the aquarium, Granville Island, Stanley Park and Robson Street into a handful of days. Not too shabby. We stayed with my Aunt and Uncle (who are two of the most relaxed, fun and wonderful people in the world) at their B&B. It's pretty neat to be able to fly to Vancouver and stay with great people in a beautiful place and put it all on the "family" tab.

While walking the many streets we walked this weekend, Brian and I got to talking about living in Vancouver. I'm pretty finished with Calgary, I have to be honest but I've been leaning towards Victoria as opposed to Vancouver. I love Vancouver - but I don't like the rain or the crazy house prices. Having said that, I was able to get my head around it this past weekend and it seemed like a more viable option that it has in the past. It wouldn't be for awhile either way but it's good to have plans in the back of your mind.

We told my Aunt and Uncle about baby and they were pretty excited. It's fun that our families are so into this because it makes it so much bigger than just us. Sure, we're going to be parents but my brothers will be first time Uncles, my parents first time Grandparents and this is the first baby of this generation in my whole extended family. It's pretty neat.

Anti-anti

Have you ever caught yourself having a thought that contrasted drastically with what you think you should think or with what you have thought about the same thought before? I realize that due to my horrible sentence structure, you might need an example:

I have always been a big believer in Canadian human rights. I think gay-bashers and anti-Semites and racist white supremacist groups, well, suck. I've thought that they pretty much have no right to breathe let alone spread their crap to other people and today, without any warning, I think I changed my mind.

I mean, they still suck. But I was listening to the CBC (that thing will make you think I tell you) and they had a lawyer on who makes his living defending the rights of these sucky people to say what they think in a public way. The counter argument to why they should not be allowed to do that is that we (as in the Canadian federation of peoples) must stop them before their rhetoric evolves/mutates into violence. Hmmm. That was sort of weak. And the whole thing started me thinking about the freedom of speech.

Even if the speech is appalling, it remains speech...or HTML depending on the specifics of the case. And speech shouldn't be silenced just because it's socially subversive. Now, it's not that I think any of these people are going to change the course of history or actually have anything convincing to say, but just imagine all the people who would have been muzzled over the last 100 years. Martin Luther King, Kevorkian, Malcolm X, Atheist groups, right to die advocates...Dave Rutherford. (One can only hope.) Who gets to determine what is hateful and what is not? What is socially acceptable and what needs to be hidden from the arena of social discourse.

The idea that advocating these beliefs is illegal because of human rights laws made me a little uncomfortable. (As uncomfortable as the recent proposal to ban smoking on film...Jesus, next thing you know, we'll be wearing knee highs and sharing a Thanksgiving turkey with the Indians.) At the same time, the ideas of these crazy people also make me uncomfortable...the question is, which one is most concerning? Do we truly have a democratic country if the social outliers do not have the liberty to say what they think?

In the end, I would rather hear a thousand stupid ideas voiced than witness a single valuable one silenced.

Operation Baby...target in sight

I'm pregnant! I'm actually going to be a Mom...still can't really get my head around the idea but I suppose I have plenty of time. Let's get the questions out of the way (in the order they have been most commonly asked):

1. Due March 1st but because I'm diabetic they'll definitely induce me early (or so they tell me) so we're looking at mid to late February.
2. We don't know what the sex is. Brian wants to find out but I don't so we have three weeks until our next ultrasound to fight it out.
3. Yes, we are incredibly excited.
4. Yes, it was hard to keep it a secret for so long. After having three previous miscarriages and the complicating factor of diabetes thrown into the mix we decided to not make anything public until we were 100% sure that this would be successful. After I passed 12 weeks and saw the ultrasound with the little heart beat and the baby kicking and jumping all over the place I knew this was very, very real.
5. We don't have any names yet. And we aren't really looking for suggestions.

So there we go. I really do think that the hardest part of this was not being able to write about it. I felt like a liar every time I signed into blogger and wrote about something that wasn't related to the animal growing in my abdomen. It was sort of all-consuming and to ignore it here seemed so wrong. Anyway, now we have it.

I was very nervous throughout and we found out very early (about 4-5 weeks) which meant we have a veeeerrrryyy long wait until we were in the clear. Every week felt like a month and since I was spotting throughout I honestly thought I was about to miscarry at least 3 or 4 times. It was a roller coaster of hopes and fear and disappointment and elation and I'm glad it's behind me. When we saw that 12 week ultrasound I kept it together long enough to thank the doctor and act like a normal person until we left the clinic. As soon as we were outside the sterile glass doors, I collapsed into Brian's arms and cried. I felt a sense of relief and wonder and like a thousand pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Inside, despite every week that passed, there was a part of me that never thought this would happen. But it did.

Here is a picture from that day:



Can you believe it!? Arms and a head and legs...all tiny and real and working? It truly is an amazing thing, and even if it happens a billion times a month across a million species, I still feel pretty lucky.

Overheard in the Cineplex Bathroom:

16 year old girl #1: "Did you know that you can buy recycled toilet paper now?
16 year old girl #2: "Ewwww!"
#1: "No, it's not like recycled toilet paper, it's made from recycled paper."
#2: Oh good, because I wouldn't want toilet paper that has already been on someone else's ass."

World Premiere

We went to see Brian's celluloid debut this past weekend and although it was thrilling to know I might see his face splashed up next to Christian Bale's at any moment, it was a bit of a disappointment. If you're not familiar with Verner Herzog's work then it might be difficult to explain my reservations about the final product, but if you are? 'Nuff said. He's not my favourite writer or director and although I think he has great cinematic vision, he is still, at the end of the day, German in his approach to humour and dialogue. Brian had told me in Thailand when he came home from the set that the dialogue was poor but we had hoped that with a little bit of "hollywoodizing" it would come off better than what he had witnessed on set. It didn't. The story itself was Herzog's pet project and so the film was fairly low budget to begin with. The acting was good but like any Herzog film I've ever seen (with Grizzly Man being the best/worst example) this film was always just a little bit off. The character development was inconsistent and incomplete and I didn't understand the motivations of the main characters let alone the minor ones and I left feeling extremely frustrated that many of their stories were left untold. For all I know they could still be living in the jungle.

Brian didn't really make the cut although you could make him out if you knew where to look. And I saw the back of his head loom large at one point.

I'm glad I went though and at the end of the day I can't lose sight that the reason we did was to see Bri's movie and to remember what a kick it was for him to be in Thailand on the set of a Hollywood movie, no matter how weird it turned out.

LinkedIn

Golf. Who knew that it could be so fun? It's always been Brian's thing and although I had flirted with it I had never actually played a round - until this weekend. And now? Now I am thinking about it all the time and plotting when I can get on a course again. I'm a bit surprised by how much I enjoyed playing this weekend in Athabasca and thankful to Brian and the Calder's who took me out for the first time...I wonder if they know what they've started?

Travel Alberta

We're back from our mini-vacation in Southern Alberta. When Brian and I first decided to stay close to home for this years' holiday I was a little bit disappointed that we wouldn't be going somewhere new and exciting. I have to say though that I had a fantastic time. We relaxed, ate good food, talked a lot, laughed a lot, slept a lot and had wonderful weather. We camped in Waterton, fished, saw lots of wildlife and I got a chance to pursue the greatest of all summer activities - skinny dipping in a mountain lake. Pure bliss.

It was nice to have no real schedule and no place we had to be. It was just Brian and I and whatever we chose to do. I needed the break and the time with my hubby and I got both.

Sicko

Last night Brian and I went to see Sicko, Michael Moore's new movie. Now, as much as I agree with Moore's political leanings, I am not really his biggest fan in a theatrical sense. I think if he could tone it down just a tad and make less obviously leftist statements like calling Hillary Clinton "smart, sassy and sexy" he'd have a larger influence on his audience and probably on his country. That having been said, I am always very impressed with the amount of research that goes into his films. He must go through thousands of hours of tape to find just the right moment on C-Span when some congressman makes exactly the comment Moore needs to sew up his case. It's got to be pretty boring work.

Sicko didn't teach me anything about the state of American health care...I already knew it was pretty bad. Most Canadians, no matter from which end of the spectrum they adhere, will usually defend socialized medicine to the hilt. We are very attached to our health care system, despite all the complaining we do about it. I did learn a lot about European health care though and seeing how Europe and even Cuba do things made America's approach seems even more backwards and regressive. I have spoken with many friends from the States who have had bad experiences with health care and I've noticed that often, they don't even know that they're bad experiences. It's just life. Not being able to afford to have a baby? Like, literally not being able to afford to pay the hospital to keep you while you give birth? Not normal. Not good health care. Having to beg and plead and write a million and one documents to get insurance coverage for your obviously injured back? Not good health care. It's frustrating to me that Americans don't demand more. The country was built on forward-thinking, (for the most part) revolutionary ideas and it seems to have come to a grinding halt as of late. A French woman in the movie last night made a comment that I found very interesting and insightful, "In France, the government is afraid of the people, in America, the people are afraid of the government." How did things get that way? In America, the government and the people are supposed to be one in the same. Instead you have huge multi-nationals and lobby groups essentially dictating to the masses, and they don't even know it! It's beyond frustrating, it's sad.

I hope a lot of people see this movie and that it makes them think. Not that France, or Canada have it all figured out but that there is a better way, a way to make sure that everyone has equal access to health care and that the people who will benefit will be them, instead of the government. Does it come down to a fundamental disagreement about whose job it is to take care of the less fortunate? Americans are generous and kind...how they can they also leave their most vulnerable without basic necessities?

I'm glad Michael Moore is making the movies he does. I just wish the people who were watching them were the people who need to, rather than those who already know there's a problem.

Bret Hart

Yesterday I spent the day with Bret "The Hitman" Hart. It was my first PR gig and I was responsible for working with his publicist, writing intros and speaking notes and then escorting him around for the day while he acted as our guest speaker for the Foundation golf tournament. While I enjoyed the work I would be lying if I sad I was really expecting much from him. He's a wrestler and I know nothing about wrestling. I didn't think he would be b=very interesting to talk to and I was approaching it as an event I just needed to get through before I could go on vacation. Once again, Caroline re-learns one of life's basic lessons; Don't judge a book by its cover. (Another basic lesson which I apparently have not yet learned? Don't cut your own bangs. Not ever.)

Most of you will have heard all about the Benoit tragedy by now and when I first learned of it I was concerned that Bret wouldn't be able to attend our event. He and Benoit were very close and he was being hounded by media from across Canada and the U. But he still showed which I thought was a testament to the kind of person he is. He was obviously devastated but he came and he spoke about his own experience with stroke and he did an incredible job. I found him articulate, bright, interesting and above all, kind and gentle. He wasn't gruff like I thought he would be and he was a pleasure to meet and spend time with. (On a side note I got to be his publicist when Global National showed up with a live satellite feed with Kevin Newman and I managed the interview which was pretty good experience for me...)

I don't feel like I run around judging people on their appearance, their career or their status in life but I guess there is also always some room to learn that maybe you do it more than you think. I'll also try to refrain from judging wrestling fans from now on...because I sort of just became one. :)

Update on Project: Tell It Like It is

I haven't forgotten about my Project emails and I don't want anyone to think that they're not coming. They are. They are just a little slower than I first anticipated.

I have been writing them for a week now and my plan is get them all done and send them out en masse. It's harder than I thought it would be. I want to give each person an earnest evaluation and don't want to write some pat email about how nice they are and how they are good at sharing. Its been hard to sit and really think about each person in my life and not let me emotions get too out of control and in the way of a fair analysis. I feel, so far, like this is a very valuable exercise...to sit down and really think about each person and what they have brought to my life. It's humbling in a way and it makes me feel very lucky.

Another Cliche Gets a Makeover...

I did a post about this a few weeks ago but just discovered two more dandies that I had to mention:

1. My friend the IT guy says he must hear "Silicone Valley" used more often than the original and more accurate Silicon Valley. I think Silicone Valley is a little more South.

2. Just read on a blog:
"Ugh, I hate how I look...my skin is just so pastry white."
(Maybe white like apple pie? Or an éclair?)

Love it.

PROJECT: Tell It Like It Is (or at least how I think it is...)

Here it is folks, the launch of my very first project. Well, my first public project anyway...I've been working on getting into the splits but nobody needs to be privy to those kinds of agonizing contortions.

Here is the premise: I am a big believer in letting the people in your life know that they are valued and why. Life is too short for anyone to wonder if they are appreciated. Most people don't really do this and although I've always made a point of trying I am sure there are many people who might be surprised to hear how I feel. So, I'm going to tell you...each and every one of you.

Here is how it will work: In the next week or so I will be sending out Project emails so that you know you've been included in the project. (If for some reason you don't get one and you feel like you should be included...let me know.) Don't worry, this will be a positive experience ...except for a certain person who lives in Sudbury. (But I probably won't email her because, what's the point?) Anyway, I have no idea how long this will take so I ask that you bear with me. (You could also bare with me I suppose but that might be a little awkward.) I currently have a list of over 50 people including such web-icons (Hah, get it? Web? Icon?) as Heather Armstrong as well as friends, family, work colleagues, politicians and a whole bunch of people at CBC radio.

Now, I am not naive enough to think that everyone will actually care what I think. But that's okay. I will have told them and that's the point. I should mention too that any responses I receive might end up on this blog...so consider yourself forewarned.

And we're off!

My New T-Shirt

...courtesy of dyoapparel. Note the small syringe on the back. Awesome.

Small but Simple Ways to Improve the World...

Following is a list of things I swear to you, my readers, that I will never do:

1. I will never spit out of my car window. Not unless a bee flies in my mouth or I happen to drive past the guy responsible for breeding the first miniature-poodle.
2. I will never insist I can sing, even though it's painfully obvious I can't, and then audition for some idol television show. If I audition it will be because I know damn well I cannot sing.
3. I won't pick a hairstyle and then use it everyday for the rest of my life. My hair will grow and change with the times.
4. I won't ever put on makeup while driving my car.
5. If I have kids I will never put them on a leash. Unless it's very long and tied to the front of a sled.
6. I won't blame other people if I never make something of myself.
7. I won't become morbidly (or even cheerfully) obese.
8. I will do my damnedest to never make an elderly person feel unwanted, bothersome or unimportant. Unless that elderly person is a Bush.
9. I will never reject new technology (or music, or fashion trends) simply because it is new. One armed blouses aren't new and they have always been stupid.
10. I won't ever let my blog just die without saying good-bye. Unless I myself die suddenly.

Okay, that's it for now. Now it's your turn? What do you promise to never do?

Fender Bender Leaves Calgary Couple Jaded and Bent

Special Report
Karoline Nox - Reporter

A minor fender bender left a Calgary couple late for work and feeling shaken up, Monday morning. While traveling south bound on 14th Street NW, the couple, who were driving a white VW Passat were rear-ended by a white 1990 Dodge Colt. "I saw her coming in my rear-view mirror, " says the driver of the Passat, Caroline Knox, 29. "She wasn't even looking, she just seemed to be digging around in the car and never looked up. I braced for the impact...it was pretty hard." Shaken and annoyed by the avoidable collision Knox and her husband, Brian West, 31, who was sitting in the passenger side pulled over to avoid another accident. "I told her (Knox) to call 9-1-1 because there was fluid and glass all over the road" said West, "When I looked over she was calling 9-1-1 and then, the next thing I knew, she was on the phone with CBC's traffic reporter, giving them them all the details of the accident. She really loves CBC radio."

The other occupant of the car, who was still wearing her gigantic sun hat after exiting her car, was slightly injured by her seat belt but was otherwise unharmed. "My foot slipped and I hit the gas instead of the brake" said the woman, who refused to give her name, "It was an accident." "Yah right." said Knox, while rolling her eyes.

Firetrucks and police arrived at the scene but took longer than Knox or West expected, "I have four job interviews today." said West, who looked dashing in his navy blue pinstriped suit. The fireman were quick to clean up the glass and were very attractive and well-bronzed from their daily workouts. Knox commented on the excellent service they received at the scene, "One of the hot ones asked me if I needed an ambulance. Mouth-to-mouth I might have accepted, but an ambulance? Not necessary."

Damage estimates for the Passat sit at $4,000 while the Dodge Colt was totaled and needed to be towed from the scene. Police issued a ticket for careless driving to the occupant of the Colt. "I knew her foot didn't slip, " said Knox, "Do they hand out tickets for retarded driving too?"

Approximately 45 minutes after the initial collision, both Knox and West were able to leave the scene. While both occupants sustained minor injuries, Knox seemed the worst off and was unable to attend work for several days after the incident, "Whiplash is a bitch," said Knox, "I could hardly even move. But I'm okay...nothing too serious." "I'm just happy that we're both okay, " said West, who appeared to be the more rational of the two, "It makes you realize how quickly things can go wrong." "Especially when you're a moron driving a car." added Knox.

Warbled Gords

I don't know what you would call these misused words but they're pretty funny and increasingly common:

On a personal blog:
"I didn't want him to think I took him for granite..."
(Or concrete or heaven forbid, even brick...)

In a THIS Magazine story:
"And it's healthy - hemp seed is a high source of protein and contains essential fatty assets."
(Fatty assets? Is that what happens when saddle-bags meets money bag?)

In a conversation yesterday...repeatedly used by everyone at the table except me:
"If money were no option...""If I could go anywhere and money were no option I would go to Tuscany."
(Really? If money were no object I would send you back to high school English.)

And the one I hear literally everyday at work:
"The idea just needs to be flushed out..." "Good point Caroline, can you flush it out for us a little bit?"
(I can flesh it out if you would prefer. Or hey, even better, I could get another job.)

Weather Un-Patterns

Thursday...


Saturday...