Four Years...

These are the roses that showed up at my house yesterday. Today is our 4th wedding anniversary and I can't help but feel reflective. Marriage is a complicated, and often difficult, but more often wonderful, thing that us humans enter into. I am not someone who believes that marriage is for everyone and neither am I someone who spent my younger years dreaming of my wedding. Having said that I still think it is the best thing I ever did. For me marriage is about friendship, patience, growth, support and the profound opportunity to be a witness to another person's life. It is about sharing all the good and all the bad with someone else so that when all is said and done, there is an account of your existence. Marriage is unique in that it is the only opportunity you will ever have to choose your family. Parents, siblings, children - they are all genetically predetermined, but a spouse is a choice and that makes it both special and terrifying.

I will admit that there have been days (the bulk of them occurring post-baby) where I have questioned marriage - my own and the practice more generally. It is hard sometimes and annoying to have to take someone else into consideration all the time. It would be nice to do what I wanted, when I wanted and think only of myself. There are days when I miss living on my own. But like anything in life, there are the other days. The mornings in bed where I am warm and cuddled and in love and the sun is shining in the window and I get to plan a day with my very best friend. The days when I feel frustrated and I have someone there to make me feel better. The knowledge that I have chosen, and been chosen, to be a part of something that lasts for the rest of our lives. Those days both outnumber and outweigh the days where I'm not as convinced. And for that I feel lucky.

Thank you Brian for being so funny, smart, patient, kind and generous. And for always putting the toilet seat down. I love you with all of my heart.

Post Natal, Asthmatic, Diabetic Ass Kicker

I ran a 10k race today. I feel so proud and so happy that I can't wait to do another race. I remember when I first started running after Paisley was born I would run 2 minutes, walk 1 minute. The goal was to eventually make it to 10 minutes. The first time I did 20 minutes I was ecstatic. And half dead. And today I ran for an hour. I can't believe how far I've come and how much I've enjoyed the process. I wasn't always a runner. I ran sprints through high school and scorned anything longer than 400m. I remember trying to run in University. I hated it. I would sweat and feel sick and usually get injured after a week of running. Then I discovered the 10 and 1 approach at the Running Room.

John Stanton, the Running Room cult leader/founder advocates a 10 minute run followed by a minute of walking. It doesn't matter of you're a marathon runner or a weekend runner, you stop for a minute and walk. It isn't long enough to really lose momentum or pace but it does prevent injury and has made running enjoyable for me.

Anyway, today I started the race on a beautiful sunny fall day. At about the 4km mark I rounded the corner to see Brian wearing Paisley in the Bjorn - he was cheering me on. I can't really describe how I felt when I first saw them both there. Proud, touched, special, unstoppable, thankful and in love - all at once. So I made some lame ass joke about Weird Al Yankovic playing on my iPod because when I feel like my heart might explode with feeling, that is what I do.

I crossed the finish line at 1:03 which since the course was actually 10.3 km I figure is about an hour for the 10k. I met both my goals: to do the race in an hour and to finish it smiling. I never thought the smiling part would be so easy.

Two Nerds in a Yellow Wood

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


Robert Frost 1920
Interpreted by Brian West 2008

How Things Have Changed...

It is a cliché to say that life after a baby will never be the same, but after knowing Paisley for only one week I have to say that it is indeed true. Already my life has changed and I have gained a new perspective on many things…I understand things in a way that I didn’t before and see old things from a new perspective.

I now understand how my parents must have felt when they first met me. I always knew they loved me but I never really understood how much until now…

I now understand why people steal the children they cannot access and how painful it must be to not be able to see your child whenever you want…

I can sympathize with those crazy Christians who want to protect their children from the evils of the world. While our definition of evil may differ I can understand how you would not want such purity and innocence to be exposed to the realities of today’s world…

I love Brian more than anything but I have never before experienced such a deep, selfless love. She is reliant on me for life and I have never before been so important and so humbled all at once…

Hours can be spent just watching her, she is so perfect and with every little twitch of her mouth or gurgle, I fall even more in love…

I looked at Paisley today and I suddenly realized how it must have felt for my Mom when I so casually left home at 18. I remember her shock when I told her I had chosen a university 15 hours away and declared I was getting the "heck out of there". It wasn't her that drove that decision but a strong desire to get out into the world and be independent. I now know how it must have felt and how hurt she must have been. My heart aches for the woman who dropped off her first born and drove away, to go home to an empty bedroom and memories of me as a baby and as a child. How lonely she must have felt...

I feel more vulnerable than I ever have. I have always felt things strongly and I have come to realize that without knowing or without meaning to, this baby is going to break my heart...

One week in and I am already lost in her. She has become the centre of our family and the joy in my world. Just wait until she can actually do something.

Time Together

This journey through pregnancy has been full of emotions; highs and lows and jig jags and admittedly a few side trips to crazy land. The only map one really has is the knowledge that millions of women have been there before you. The biggest problem is realizing that half of the women's advice is crucial and the other half is completely bogus and that it's up to you to discern what is what.

As I near the end of this journey I am finding myself overwhelmed with different emotions and some of them reside for too short of a time for me to even grasp that they've been. I am excited to meet this little person who insists on kicking me and tucking her head under my ribcage for so much of the day. I am scared of the changes she will bring with her. I have always valued my time with Brian above almost all else and I'll admit that there have been times where I have been envious of women who seem not to care if their husbands work 80 hours a week. I miss him when he's gone and there is no one else I would rather spend my time with...it's why I married him. I'm scared to lose that time and although I know we will only be gaining another member of the "team" it won't be the same. Maybe it will be better, but it won't be the same.

I am anxious about the unknown world I am about to leap into. Diapers, teething, drooling, breastfeeding...an entirely different world from the one in which I now reside. I know that with those things come joy, laughter, wonder and a love so deep I most likely have never experienced anything like it thus far. I know that at some point this baby is going to grab on to my heart so tightly that I will be forever changed and all of my priorities will be rearranged. I know that most of this will happen to me and I will have very little control in the process.

I look forward to Brian, Baby and I going to the park...a family. I am excited to see Brian be a Dad and lift his little girl onto his shoulders and throw her in the air, always catching her, just right. I can't wait for the cold, winter nights when Baby is bathed and still damp and put to bed. Where we read her a story, the light is amber in the room and she falls asleep to the sound of our voices. I see these things and I can't help but feel like my heart just boarded a run away train that won't ever stop.

My body is tired at this point and stretched to its limits, quite literally. I cannot sleep and I am never comfortable and I haven't seen my toes in months. But, when I lie in bed and she kicks inside me, doing tumbling acts that I can only imagine, I smile and take a moment to appreciate the wonder of it all. That our baby is safe and happy in her mother's womb and that she has no idea of all the things coming her away. I guess it reminds me that above all else, her and her parents, we are in this thing together.

2007: A Review

Every New Year's Eve since I was probably about 10 or 11 I have written a review of the previous year where I highlighted all the things that had happened and the things I was looking forward to in the New Year. Here are some examples:

Dec 31, 1989

Dear Diary,
It's New years eve, tecnically it's still 89 but to me it's 1990! A whole new decade, just think another decade and I'll be 22! see ya at the stroke of twelve. Bye

(Okay, so not as insightful and profound as you may have hoped...)

Dec 31st, 1992

I can't believe another year has ended. I have lost another year to show people that i am special and to do the things I set out to do. Sometimes I feel so sad and sometimes I feel so happy. I wonder if this is just part of being 13? If it is I can't wait to be 14. I think I like Paul Rempel. He's sort of young because he skipped a grade but he's cute. I have made a list of things I am going to do differently next year:

Social Wise:
Get a boyfriend (it doesn't matter who)
Don't act so immature
Laugh differently (not like a duck)
dress better
always be cheery and self confident
Be friends with everyone

Work Wise:
listen in class
learn verbs
try
study
do assignments

Next year I'll be getting my learners lisence (sic) and will be leaving Birchwood and going to another school. That's pretty scary. I need more money if I want to be cooler next year. I guess I'll have to babysit more or somethin. I hope global warming doesn't get really bad next year - I think it would be so sad not to have trees.

Happy New year!

(Wow...and nobody diagnosed me with ADD?)

Dec 31, 1994

Well, it's certainly been a monumental year. I turned 16 had my first real boyfriend, first real kiss, first intoxication, first (and last) fight, made new friends, personal growth, laughter tears, got my drivers lisence (sic...still hadn't learned how to spell license), lived through the suicide of Kurt Cobain, the changes in South Africa, grade 10 froshing, my first encounter with the cops and the people around me grow and change. I'm optimistic about the future even though I still worry about the world and how fast things are moving. The way my life is passing me by but I also know that I can't stop time. As a writer I have grown and as a thinker. I was in a maturity recession for awhile but overall I feel good about this past year and what I have done and where I am going.

Goodnight and Happy New Year.

Dec 31st, 1996 (from England)

Well, it's been an eventful 1996. A lot of things have changed in my life-in fact, almost everything has changed in my life! I've moved away from home, graduated high school, left and moved to a new city and started University where I knew no one. I've made tons of new friends and lost some old ones. I had my first real boyfriend and experienced the pain of knowing that you have hurt someone else. I have laughed and cried. I have grown up substantially, especially in the past few months and will continue to do so. 1996 brought me my first real job, my last high school dance, a trip to Europe, a hot summer (the last with my friends) and the realization that I could do anything or go anywhere I really wanted. I can only pray that 1997 will be as happy and successful as the last year. I hope my family, friends and I learn how important unity is and yet continue to grow as individuals. Peace, health and happiness are my wishes for the New Year.

Well, that's about enough of that! You know where this is headed now...a summary of this past year. I'll do my best to keep it from being too flowery or mentioning personal growth or God.

This year was an eventful one for me and for Brian. The biggest thing that happened was being diagnosed with diabetes in late 2006 and then starting my insulin in March of 2007. Starting the insulin was a big one for two reason; it made the diagnosis that more real but it also put me back in control of my blood sugar. Brian and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary and made it to Mexico which was lovely. We had two miscarriages and then of course found out we were pregnant again and this time, everything has been tickity-boo. Brian not only finished his second year of law school but accepted his articling position and I was promoted at work. Then I left work. We have watched our families grow in number and watched new relationships emerge and older ones stumble. I went skinny dipping. We ate some wonderful meals and drank good wine. Brian and I grew together and I am happy to say that we are probably stronger than we have ever been. I have become even closer to my brothers as we learn the importance of family and how fragile it can all be. Some of our friends got married and some had babies. We went para sailing. Brian caught more fish than should be legal and I still haven't used it all. My cat turned 8 years old. We saw Stuart McLean, the Soweto Gospel Choir, Ian Tyson, Jann Arden and Justin. We bought a new car. And although this didn't happen to me directly, it did happen and it did affect me, this is the year that Kurt Vonnegut Jr. kicked the bucket.

Beginnings...

With each week that passes my pregnant state becomes more and more obvious to myself as well as the rest of the world, and I am often left feeling overwhelmed and like this isn't real. There isn't really a person growing inside me is there? When you stop and think about it, about the cells dividing and the nutrients moving from my body into hers it becomes too much to comprehend. Too big, and yet, so normal.

I have felt so many emotions over the past few months and I often find myself checking in with my own head, "How are we doing?" You still okay with this?" Mostly, the answer is yes but I would be lying if I said there weren't days where I am panicked and terrified and want to hit the eject button. I feel fat and vulnerable and totally unprepared to become a mother. I liked the life that Brian and I had made for ourselves. I liked going for drinks on Friday's and sleeping in and going out for late-night meals. I liked knowing that we had a team of two to take on the world and planning our next vacation to a far away place. I'm scared to lose all of that.

At some level I know that we will gain so much more and that Brian and I will always be a team. It's the awkward stage in between where you can imagine all the things you love being gone but it is still too abstract to really envision what is to come. I know I'm pregnant, I feel the baby kicking and I am steadily preparing for her arrival but I still cannot really picture her or what my days will consist of. I am taking a giant leap into the unknown. I suppose, if she could, our baby would feel very much the same way.

Gender Identity

So...our little boy? The one we have struggled to name (only to emerge from our house successful on Sunday afternoon) and bought clothes for and nicknamed Kanye? He's a girl.

We went for an ultrasound this morning for an echo cardiogram, part of the being pregnant with diabetes protocol. We knew the main reason for this appointment was not to ogle over our baby and count his fingers and toes but still, we were excited to "see" him. The technician asked, like they always do, whether we knew the sex or whether we wanted her to keep it a secret. "Oh yeah, we know" we said, "It's a boy." There was this awkward pause as the young girl looked at us, back at the image in front of us and then said, "Ummm, no, it's a girl." Honestly, I didn't really know what to say. we both said "What!?" a few times and insisted that she point it out and basically convince us of the anatomical evidence in front of us. She was absolutely positive it was girl and assumed that the last ultrasound was a bit too early to tell. "But you did tell us!" I said, "You said with 80 to 90% accuracy that it was a boy. You showed us his penis!" "I was wrong, it's definitely a girl."

I looked at Brian and he had this stunned expression on his face like he had just sat in something either very cold or very sticky. I started to laugh maniacally...clearly a crazy woman on the ultrasound table. Neither one of us could really snap our brains into place long enough for any of it to make immediate sense.

When I first found out that the baby was a boy I was upset (so you like I used that nice mild word to describe a totally insane reaction?) but I managed to get my head around it pretty quickly. It helped when I started buying little boy's clothes and thinking of little boy's names. I started to think of all the good things that come with a boy and I know that Brian started to do the same. Now, we're sort of back to square one. I am excited either way and really, a healthy baby is our first priority. It's funny how the human mind works though - even though it's completely silly, at some level I was sad because I felt like I'd lost my little boy.

So, there we have it. A girl. Maybe despite all of Brian's recent (and admittedly sexist) protests I will have a little Irish dancer after all.

Any suggestions for nicknames? No need to keep with the rapper theme but feel free.

Le Chateau Old and Delicious

Last night we went to La Chaumiere - it was sort of a surprise date for Brian who knew enough to know we were going somewhere and that he needed to wear a suit. I had never been there before but I knew it would be an authentic French experience when I called to make reservations and the man on the phone was quite rude.

The meal was fantastic. I had lobster bisque (cooked just behind me by a man with a French accent who obviously knew what he was doing)...it was divine. Brian had an avacado salad and then we had beef tenderloin (him) and duck (me - always with the duck) and Bri has chocolate mousse for dessert. I had the most perfect creme brulee I have ever cracked open. Creme Brulee is a finicky dessert but it's pure heaven when it's done right, and this one was.

The restaurant itself was unlike any restaurant Brian and I had ever been in. Mostly because we were the youngest people there by 30 years easily. It was like a very fancy French old folks home with killer food.

Thoughts in pairs...

I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. About boyfriends and girlfriends, newly married couples and couples of who have been together so long that they have merged into a singularity of sorts. I've always sort of taken them for granted and never given the relationships of the people around me all that much thought. It sounds selfish but I guess a lot of people are mostly concerned about their own relationship and how they feel about it. If it's bad you worry about it and if it's good you lose yourself in it.

A few of the relationships in my life have become a little rocky as of late and I guess it has forced me to sit up and pay more attention to what is going on. I have friends who are working through an affair and have only been married a couple of years, I have a friend who has found a new love and is negotiating what their life together will look like, I know a couple with a brand new baby who are now trying to establish a new rhythm in their life, and I know people in marriages that do not fulfill them or nourish them and who have been pretending for most of their marriage that they are still in love. I know people who are most definitely in love and are fighting like hell to make sure it stays that way.

Relationships, no matter how perfect at first, have rough spots and are not always easy. There are also days where you feel like you could just hold that person and stay that way for the rest of your life...without food, or work, or money, surviving on that overwhelming feeling of oneness that can make you feel so full you could explode. And there are days where you are tired and you take the person for granted or even worse, are mean to them. It's a complicated dance and ideally, it lasts for a very long time. A conversation that you can't necessarily remember starting and hopefully will never really finish.

Love is not something that should exist on a back burner. It needs to be fed and recognized and fostered. I feel really lucky in my life that I have found someone who I love so much and who truly is my best friend. I also know, from watching the people around me, that things can change quickly and that if you leave it too long and things get cold it is not easy to warm them back up. I feel a sense of re-commitment as of late - a commitment to make sure my marriage and life is as good as I can make it, a determination to never let life take over living and a promise to myself and to my husband that I will never underestimate how important it is to be kind and good to the person you love.

Vancouver...and assorted ramblings

Vancouver, as always, was wonderful. We ate every type of Asian food you can think of (best Korean food since Korea), walked until our bodies ached and managed to squeeze in the art gallery, the aquarium, Granville Island, Stanley Park and Robson Street into a handful of days. Not too shabby. We stayed with my Aunt and Uncle (who are two of the most relaxed, fun and wonderful people in the world) at their B&B. It's pretty neat to be able to fly to Vancouver and stay with great people in a beautiful place and put it all on the "family" tab.

While walking the many streets we walked this weekend, Brian and I got to talking about living in Vancouver. I'm pretty finished with Calgary, I have to be honest but I've been leaning towards Victoria as opposed to Vancouver. I love Vancouver - but I don't like the rain or the crazy house prices. Having said that, I was able to get my head around it this past weekend and it seemed like a more viable option that it has in the past. It wouldn't be for awhile either way but it's good to have plans in the back of your mind.

We told my Aunt and Uncle about baby and they were pretty excited. It's fun that our families are so into this because it makes it so much bigger than just us. Sure, we're going to be parents but my brothers will be first time Uncles, my parents first time Grandparents and this is the first baby of this generation in my whole extended family. It's pretty neat.

Operation Baby...target in sight

I'm pregnant! I'm actually going to be a Mom...still can't really get my head around the idea but I suppose I have plenty of time. Let's get the questions out of the way (in the order they have been most commonly asked):

1. Due March 1st but because I'm diabetic they'll definitely induce me early (or so they tell me) so we're looking at mid to late February.
2. We don't know what the sex is. Brian wants to find out but I don't so we have three weeks until our next ultrasound to fight it out.
3. Yes, we are incredibly excited.
4. Yes, it was hard to keep it a secret for so long. After having three previous miscarriages and the complicating factor of diabetes thrown into the mix we decided to not make anything public until we were 100% sure that this would be successful. After I passed 12 weeks and saw the ultrasound with the little heart beat and the baby kicking and jumping all over the place I knew this was very, very real.
5. We don't have any names yet. And we aren't really looking for suggestions.

So there we go. I really do think that the hardest part of this was not being able to write about it. I felt like a liar every time I signed into blogger and wrote about something that wasn't related to the animal growing in my abdomen. It was sort of all-consuming and to ignore it here seemed so wrong. Anyway, now we have it.

I was very nervous throughout and we found out very early (about 4-5 weeks) which meant we have a veeeerrrryyy long wait until we were in the clear. Every week felt like a month and since I was spotting throughout I honestly thought I was about to miscarry at least 3 or 4 times. It was a roller coaster of hopes and fear and disappointment and elation and I'm glad it's behind me. When we saw that 12 week ultrasound I kept it together long enough to thank the doctor and act like a normal person until we left the clinic. As soon as we were outside the sterile glass doors, I collapsed into Brian's arms and cried. I felt a sense of relief and wonder and like a thousand pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Inside, despite every week that passed, there was a part of me that never thought this would happen. But it did.

Here is a picture from that day:



Can you believe it!? Arms and a head and legs...all tiny and real and working? It truly is an amazing thing, and even if it happens a billion times a month across a million species, I still feel pretty lucky.

World Premiere

We went to see Brian's celluloid debut this past weekend and although it was thrilling to know I might see his face splashed up next to Christian Bale's at any moment, it was a bit of a disappointment. If you're not familiar with Verner Herzog's work then it might be difficult to explain my reservations about the final product, but if you are? 'Nuff said. He's not my favourite writer or director and although I think he has great cinematic vision, he is still, at the end of the day, German in his approach to humour and dialogue. Brian had told me in Thailand when he came home from the set that the dialogue was poor but we had hoped that with a little bit of "hollywoodizing" it would come off better than what he had witnessed on set. It didn't. The story itself was Herzog's pet project and so the film was fairly low budget to begin with. The acting was good but like any Herzog film I've ever seen (with Grizzly Man being the best/worst example) this film was always just a little bit off. The character development was inconsistent and incomplete and I didn't understand the motivations of the main characters let alone the minor ones and I left feeling extremely frustrated that many of their stories were left untold. For all I know they could still be living in the jungle.

Brian didn't really make the cut although you could make him out if you knew where to look. And I saw the back of his head loom large at one point.

I'm glad I went though and at the end of the day I can't lose sight that the reason we did was to see Bri's movie and to remember what a kick it was for him to be in Thailand on the set of a Hollywood movie, no matter how weird it turned out.

Travel Alberta

We're back from our mini-vacation in Southern Alberta. When Brian and I first decided to stay close to home for this years' holiday I was a little bit disappointed that we wouldn't be going somewhere new and exciting. I have to say though that I had a fantastic time. We relaxed, ate good food, talked a lot, laughed a lot, slept a lot and had wonderful weather. We camped in Waterton, fished, saw lots of wildlife and I got a chance to pursue the greatest of all summer activities - skinny dipping in a mountain lake. Pure bliss.

It was nice to have no real schedule and no place we had to be. It was just Brian and I and whatever we chose to do. I needed the break and the time with my hubby and I got both.

Fender Bender Leaves Calgary Couple Jaded and Bent

Special Report
Karoline Nox - Reporter

A minor fender bender left a Calgary couple late for work and feeling shaken up, Monday morning. While traveling south bound on 14th Street NW, the couple, who were driving a white VW Passat were rear-ended by a white 1990 Dodge Colt. "I saw her coming in my rear-view mirror, " says the driver of the Passat, Caroline Knox, 29. "She wasn't even looking, she just seemed to be digging around in the car and never looked up. I braced for the impact...it was pretty hard." Shaken and annoyed by the avoidable collision Knox and her husband, Brian West, 31, who was sitting in the passenger side pulled over to avoid another accident. "I told her (Knox) to call 9-1-1 because there was fluid and glass all over the road" said West, "When I looked over she was calling 9-1-1 and then, the next thing I knew, she was on the phone with CBC's traffic reporter, giving them them all the details of the accident. She really loves CBC radio."

The other occupant of the car, who was still wearing her gigantic sun hat after exiting her car, was slightly injured by her seat belt but was otherwise unharmed. "My foot slipped and I hit the gas instead of the brake" said the woman, who refused to give her name, "It was an accident." "Yah right." said Knox, while rolling her eyes.

Firetrucks and police arrived at the scene but took longer than Knox or West expected, "I have four job interviews today." said West, who looked dashing in his navy blue pinstriped suit. The fireman were quick to clean up the glass and were very attractive and well-bronzed from their daily workouts. Knox commented on the excellent service they received at the scene, "One of the hot ones asked me if I needed an ambulance. Mouth-to-mouth I might have accepted, but an ambulance? Not necessary."

Damage estimates for the Passat sit at $4,000 while the Dodge Colt was totaled and needed to be towed from the scene. Police issued a ticket for careless driving to the occupant of the Colt. "I knew her foot didn't slip, " said Knox, "Do they hand out tickets for retarded driving too?"

Approximately 45 minutes after the initial collision, both Knox and West were able to leave the scene. While both occupants sustained minor injuries, Knox seemed the worst off and was unable to attend work for several days after the incident, "Whiplash is a bitch," said Knox, "I could hardly even move. But I'm okay...nothing too serious." "I'm just happy that we're both okay, " said West, who appeared to be the more rational of the two, "It makes you realize how quickly things can go wrong." "Especially when you're a moron driving a car." added Knox.

This Morning

Oprah would call it a "lightbulb" moment, Dr.Phil an "Aha!" experience. To me, it was a gentle reminder of a lesson I've learned but had forgotten.

This morning it snowed. A lot. I looked out the window and my heart sank. All my beautiful flowers planted (prematurely, I'll admit) in the front garden were covered in 10cm of thick, heavy snow. And I had slept in. I rushed around the house, dragging out the sweaters I packed away two weeks ago and packed a lunch. I was feeling irritable and stressed and annoyed...at nothing and at everything.

Brian was driving me to work today and so he headed outside to brush off the car while I finished putting my lunch together. I went to the door to put on my shoes and saw him across the street. "What the hell is he doing over there?" I thought, "Doesn't he know I'm late!" I felt grumpy and a little annoyed that he wasn't doing what needed to be done so I could get to work on time.

Brian was across the street talking to the old woman whose townhouse faces ours. When I saw him take the broom out of her hand and proceed to brush all the snow from her sidewalk, I stopped and watched. She stood there looking old and frail and happy as he cleared the snow and then beat the broom against the tall tree in her front yard, releasing it from the weight of the heavy snow. A big branch had already fallen from the tree and he picked that up too and took it away to the dumpster.

As I stood there on this January/May day I not only fell in love with Brian all over again, I realized how quickly and easily we fall into selfish behaviour. I wasn't late for work this morning, I still had my coffee and a little old lady has a renewed sense of community and a back that doesn't hurt.

What TV is good at...

Last night Brian and I did CBC's Test the Nation. It was a two-hour long television special - essentially an IQ test for the whole country. It was awesome. I've never been a huge fan of TV. I like the medium and I love its potential but I find that it is largely wasted. I enjoy the brain-softening escapes from reality as much as the next person but I feel like its usually all the box has to offer. Last night made me feel excited about TV again. It was interactive, it was smart, hip and fun. It paired the internet with the TV special so that people could take the test either online or along with the people in the studio. I don't know who dreamed that concept up but I hope it catches on because I sat in front of the TV for two hours and I left feeling smarter, not dumber.

!Hola! Amigos...

We're back from Mexico! I can't even begin to describe what a great time we had in Puerto Vallarta. The weather was hot (28-30 degrees) and sunny everyday and our resort was perfection. We laid by the pool, drank pina coladas, swam and relaxed every day. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and chilled. The food was great and there was something really calming about being able to wake up, eat, nap and go to bed whenever you felt like it. No alarm clocks or rules. The old Caroline emerged from her cocoon of urban stress and I don't know who appreciated it more, me or Brian. :-)

We managed to strike a good balance between doing things and well, not doing anything. We walked around the old town and went on a pub crawl one night. I danced my little tooshie off at all the big clubs in PV - it was a blast. We went para-sailing which was incredible. It was a bit scary at first but as soon as you're up high and looking out over the water it was peaceful, calm and beautiful. My only wish is that we could have done it together. Brian went sea kayaking, we went boogie boarding and we met some really cool people.

On Friday night we celebrated our 2nd anniversary. Some days I can't believe how quickly the time has gone and at the same time I can't really remember a time before Brian. It feels like he has always been there. We walked along the ocean from our resort into town and we held hands and talked about life, relationships and our future. We ate dinner at a small little restaurant overlooking the malecon (basically the boardwalk) and the ocean and drank wine as we listened to the Mexican band in the background. The people were nice and I couldn't have asked for a more romantic, special place to spend our anniversary. I loved having Brian all to myself and being able to spend so much time with him...it was perfect.

We fell in love with Mexico and with the Mexican people. Every one of them was nicer than the next. I liked the pace, loved the food and felt safe and welcome every where we went. More importantly, and this isn't something I ever thought was really possible, I fell even more in love with Brian.

Twenty-nine

Despite everything that has been going on lately and my recent (but shallow) dip into the waters of self-pity, I feel very lucky today. I have a wonderful family and great friends and a husband who I love more than anything. Especially when he's bearing a MAC makeup gift card. :-)

I have been thinking of my Grandma a lot lately. This is the first birthday without her and I miss her so much. She always had an amazing knack with birthday cards. It didn't matter that she lived so far away, she always managed to have my card arrive on the day of my birthday. I miss talking to her every week and the way she used to turn everything into a joke. With the new developments in my life and this birthday it has finally sunk in that my life is moving forward and she won't be there to see it. That's hard. I want to talk to her about my diabetes, I want her to see me turn 29, and 30 and 40. I want her to meet her great-grandchildren and see my new house and witness Brian being called to the bar. I want her to be with me for everything. Clearly this isn't realistic and I know that all I can do is take all of the lessons she taught me and apply them to the rest of my life. In that way she will always be with me. I feel happy that I knew her and that I loved her so much but mostly I just feel like a part of me is gone.

My existential crisis is over I think. It was never really about the number, and 29 isn't a bad age. I guess it's just adjusting to a new part of my life, and maybe having to make too many adjustments in a short amount of time. Things are good. I'm starting my insulin in March and although I don't relish the idea of injecting myself four times a day I am excited to get this thing under control. Right now I'm on oral meds but that means I am constantly watching to make sure I'm not too low. We're heading to Mexico for a week on Saturday and will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary poolside. Spring is coming and work is going well. I just got a freelance blogging job (details to follow) which will help pay the bills and keep me writing.

Like most things in life, even crises come in threes: first was my pre-birthday freak out. Now I'm faced with even bigger issues; What book do I bring to Mexico and do I spend my birthday money on a Shuffle or a Nano?

Boring Beaver?

On Friday night Brian and I went to the James Blunt concert. It was at the Saddledome which seats about 20,000 people, so it was pretty big. Blunt was awesome and although we didn’t have great seats I could still see a lot and of course, there is always something special about live music. There was a British couple behind us and the guy kept yelling, “Go’on Jamie Lad” – it was quite funny. Near the end of the concert Blunt asked everyone to stand up and so we did. Most of the people around us stood up as well, although reluctantly. At one point the guy behind us cheering and yelling and said, “What’s wrong with this lot?” and his girlfriend responded quite loudly, “You’re not in England anymore love…you’re in boring Canada.” Which of course, got me thinking.

While living in Korea I encountered the idea of the “boring Canadian” for the first time. Prior to that I had only heard what party animals we were. It is strange to me that each of these stereotypes can coexist but they seem to. I have found Calgary to be very conservative and at the three last concerts I have been to, unlikely to move or sway to music. This bugs me. It’s one thing at a James Blunt concert given the style and music and the size of Saddledome but the Blue October concert was exactly the same. And the music was hard and the venue was small – two things conducive to a raucous party. Instead it was sober and static.

I realized that growing up in Fort Mac was a unique experience that until recently I took for granted. People who live up there do everything at full speed. Any concert or party I went to was loud, crazy and fun. You ran the risk of being stabbed but it was a good time. People work hard and they play even harder. Growing up I took for granted that when you want out, it was balls to the wall.

I left the concert feeling a little discouraged and frustrated. Sobriety can be contagious and it took the wind out of my sails a little bit. It reaffirmed my desire to get what I can from Calgary and then get out.