Saturday, September 22, 2007
We went to our 18 week ultrasound today and I'm happy to say that everything looked healthy and exactly as it should. It's always a funny feeling to lie on the bed , looking up at the fancy monitor, and see this wriggling alien think looking back at you from behind your abdominal wall. It's actually really weird.
Originally I really didn't want to find out what sex the baby was because I thought it would be nice to keep it a surprise. Brian wanted to know because he thought it would help him get his head around the whole idea and so, after discussing it we decided to find out. And I'm so glad I did. So, do you want to know? Well, either way you;re probably going to find out if you read my blog, so here it goes....it's a BOY!!
Don't let the all-caps and exclamation points confuse you - that is not how I felt when I first found out. I went in there telling myself that no matter what is was, I just wanted it to be healthy. I was leaning towards a girl but I thought I would be fine either way. Or so I thought. As soon as the nurse told us it was a boy my heart dropped into my chest and I felt my eyes fill up with tears. I managed to hold it in until the technician left the room and then I started to cry. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was some deep-seeded psychological desire to see myself in miniature but either way, I was crushed. I was surprised at the strength of my disappointment which of course, then led to guilt about how I was feeling. This was my baby! How could I feel this way!? More tears ensued, followed my an inner monologue, held in warp speed that went something like this:
It's a boy. Not, it can't be a boy...it's supposed to be a girl. I wanted to do its hair and name it after my Grandma. What if I never have a girl and every single video, diary, letter and song I've ever written with the intention of passing onto my daughter is wasted. A son won't care about how I felt when I was 16! Oh my god, a son! What do you do with a son? He's going to grow and I'll have spent my whole life trying to protect him only to receive a midnight phone call that he's been in an accident and was killed going 150 km/hour with his best friend on the roof rack! Calm down, calm down...think about your brothers. They weren't driving like maniacs with their friends on the roof - you were! How could you feel this way - you are a horrible person. Why don't you just wish him into a club foot while you're at it. Names - oh my god! You don't have any names! You have a ton of girl names and no boy names...this kid is going to end up like the Pheonix brothers and have to name themselves and end up as a Rainbow or Superman or worse, as a Warren! Why did you think it was a girl in the first place, you should know better than that. You know about genetics, you knew it was a fifty-fifty shot all along. And Brian, at least biologically, is the one who determined the sex anyway. That's right it's HIS fault! He wanted a boy and he got one. When do I get what I want!?!? Oh right, I wanted a baby, I guess this is what I want. See, look how selfish you are. A healthy, active baby and all you can think about is pink tights and hair ribbons. It's okay, it will be okay, you're going to love this baby more than anything in the whole world and by tomorrow you won't even mind it's a boy. Okay, maybe by next week. Definitely by the time it's born. This will all be okay. I can't believe it's a boy. And I'm going to be a MOM.
And I was right...I am okay with it and it only took a day or so. I bought a little blue sleeper last night and as I held it in my hands and put it away in what will soon become the baby's room I sat on the bed and allowed myself to imagine. A tiny baby, completely dependent on us for food, protection and love. A part of myself and a part of Brian, joined into a new person who I would get to know and watch grow and be there to cheer on. Who will call me (gulp) Mom and reach for me when he falls and who will go to school and draw me pictures and go on dates and borrow my car and I started to cry for an entirely different reason. This baby, whether it's a boy or a girl, will be a person and best of all, he will be our little person. And as I sat there looking at the booties and the sleepers and the mobile I fell head over heels in love, and I haven't even met him yet.