Juggling. Badly.

I've never set out to be an overachiever or a supermom but I do have high expectations of myself and like to stay busy. I'm good at multi tasking and time management and so I manage to always have a clean house and a home cooked meal and a (fairly) clean kid. Sometimes I am almost embarrassed to tell people what I've been up to because I see the look on their face. "Oh. You're one of those." Well, I'm not. Not on the inside anyway.

Lately I feel like I have a hundred things on the go and I can't satisfy myself with my performance in any area. I can't do everything. I have been making an effort to do mostly whole foods cooking. We got rid of all processed foods quite a while ago but I sometimes still used store bought pasta or flavoured yogourt. Now I'm flavouring the yogourt, making everything from scratch and as of next week, making our bread. I'm even planning on canning homemade ketchup and salsa. I love it and it has produced some amazing meals (and one curdled lemon tart) but it is very time-consuming and gets eaten just as quickly as the stuff that took me half the time.

I am working out like a fiend and have lost ten pounds in the last month. I am in a bootcamp on Mondays, a BOSU class on Thursdays and working out 4 days a week plus running. I love this also and can honestly say that I don't think I have been this fit since high school.

I am working a lot. I have a magazine article on the go right now (affiliate marketing...snooze), a dozen press releases and a whole website to write. I am running two blogs and trying to get some fiction work and other freelance work squeezed in there and I'm struggling. I am also now on the marketing committee for the Africa Book Project and have a ton of work through them. I (in my stupidity?) also signed up as the volunteer resume critic for the local Women's Immigration Society. This stuff alone could be a full time job.

I'm even behind in my reading of Infinite Jest - something that is supposed to a relaxing pursuit and I'm feeling stressed about it.

Getting together with girlfriends during the week and making sure that Paisley gets one fun activity (at least) a day are also high on my list of priorities but I feel like I'm starting to stumble around aimlessly, blinded and sagged by a heavy load. Each day something gives - I either don't get as much work done as I should, or the house doesn't get cleaned, or I don't get out or the dinner is lacklustre. I need to get to a place where I can just accept that and not feel like a failure every time. I have a to do list as long as my arm and not enough items lined out. Never enough lined out.

I have always thrived under stress and schedule and so I tend to place those on myself with rigour. Maybe I'll schedule in a deep breathing exercise once a day from 11:03 to 11:07 am. Perfect.

Eating Bon Bons...

The choice to stay at home with Paisley was an easy one for me. I always knew that if I could afford to do it, I would. Having said that, I totally recognize that not everyone can do it and that not everyone wants to. We are making some major financial sacrifices to do this and I personally am taking on a lot of risk. A recent remark by one of Alberta's politicians brought this issue of working mom versus stay at home mom back into the limelight, at least for a few days. There were all kinds of articles and editorials and commentaries on the subject. I found some of them asinine but most of them sat comfortably on a spectrum that almost any woman can identify with. I can see why some women go back to work. I can see why they might not feel fulfilled at home. I don't think those people are bad parents but it's not what I choose to do.

This subject is a contentious one and unlike so many other "parenting issues" it seems to remain bubbling beneath the surface. Women avoid the subject because it can create feelings of inadequacy, hurt and anger and because, for the most part, we are afraid of being judged or misunderstood. Each side of the debate is knee deep in misconceptions: working mothers are selfish and career focused, stay at home mothers are lazy or boring or we do a disservice to the feminist cause. Kids from daycare are better socialized, stay at home kids are more loved. None of this is true and the situation varies so much that it's difficult to draw any real conclusions. I have met some seriously sub-standard parents whose kids would probably benefit from day care. Parents who do nothing with their children except watch TV and push them out of the way or leave them in their crib for hours. I also happen to know of a few day cares where kids are left to their own devices and aren't monitored or challenged. A high quality environment is what kids deserve, whether it be at home or elsewhere.

Having said that, there is one thing I hear a lot that does bug me. "Oh, I wish I could do that but we can't afford it." "It must be nice to have a choice" etc. Now, if you are a single mother or someone who really needs two incomes to cover your basic necessities, fair enough. But the vast majority of women who say that to me are living in a huge house, with two cars and going on yearly tropical vacations. That is not struggling to survive. That is a choice. It is a choice to place the maintenance of a certain lifestyle over the opportunity to stay at home. I don't care that they choose that - it doesn't affect me. What annoys me is that they are unwilling to make the sacrifice but won't admit it. Not to me and probably not to themselves. Brian and I don't like having to choose between Drumheller and Kamloops for a summer vacation instead of Italy or France. We don't love living in a small townhouse with one vehicle and not a lot of spending money but we chose this. We felt it was more important for Paisley to have a parent at home than it was for us to have a big house and lots of money. Our choice isn't a popular one these days but it works for us.

Being a parent is hard and being a mother in 2009 in even harder. We have a lot of expectations placed on us (admittedly, a lot of them are self imposed) and some tough choices to make. It sometimes frustrates me that it is still the woman who has to make these choices and sacrifices. Nobody, not one person, asked Brian if he was taking parental leave when we were expecting Paisley. It's not something most people even consider. I am fortunate that I can work from home because it has made the choice and transition that much easier. I would still love to live in a world though where as many men stay at home as women. If nothing else I think stay at home parents would get the respect and credit they deserve.

Treadmill

We had a long talk last night. About our life and the fact that we are in a rut. It is hard to avoid. Our life contains a toddler and a restrictive work schedule on Brian's part. We are not unhappy but we are not overly happy either. We just are.

Just being is something that Brian and I have fought against, both as individuals and as a couple, from the very beginning. We travelled, we ditched lives when they weren't working and found new ones. We ditched churches when they weren't working. We got married when it was right for us and chose careers when we were sure of what we wanted. We did things our way. To be fair, we are not now in a situation we didn't choose. We really wanted a baby and I wouldn't change that for a second. Having Paisley is the best thing I've ever done. But we chose to settle down for the time being and put down roots. Life is funny - when you travel and live in so many places it is is exciting but lonely. When you stay put you feel so...put. But, I also feel like I am a part of something, part of my community and of the city. It has taken nearly 4 years for me to feel like that.

I want more for us. I don't want to live completely independent lives during the week, only to have beautiful collisions on the weekend. I don't want to have to pencil conversations or sex into my planner to ensure it gets done. To check the boxes. I don't want for us to be so tired all the time. This kind of life is what leads to someone waking up at 45 and not knowing what the hell has happened. It leads to mediocrity.

Reality is limiting. We are limited by time and money, two very crucial things. Brian's work schedule is difficult but there isn't much we can do (at this point in the game) to change it. And he likes it. We don't have the money to travel or explore or get away for a few days even. We have to be creative within the confines of our lives.

This is not a unique situation. Across the city and the planet, young families are feeling this way and many of them are far worse off than we are. At the same time, knowing that other people are in the same position as me doesn't make me feel better. It makes me even more motivated to make sure we don't stay this way - living by default, in a crowd.

The Blogosphere

Jen recently wrote about her struggles with the state of the blogosphere and the status of her own blog within that community. I too have struggled with this recently. Since becoming a Mom I have less time, and lets face it, less interest in blogging. I feel like I have less to say that would interest people. It was easy when I was travelling and I had some weird and wacky adventure every week. It was easier when I had hours to devote a post so that I could work on it and get it just right. Now I am forced to quickly bang out blog posts and they aren't well written. I don't even re-read them before I publish. They could be so much better but I just don't have the time. To make matters worse, I have another blog which I have been spending far more time on and this one has sort of faded into the background. It is read by family and young people and so I am more guarded. I read some other blogs and I feel ashamed that theirs are so good and mine is so weak. I have never benefited socially from blogging like Jen or so many other women bloggers and I have maintained it out of a sense of duty. Duty to what few readers I have and most of all, to Paisley. Her monthly newsletters are what keep this blog going at this point.

I am out of adventure and angst. I have no major decisions facing me and my existence is pleasant, if boring. Not great blogging material. I do not want to be a "mommy blogger" and my writing work is all covered by non-disclosure agreements so I can't really venture there. (Although, let me tell you - there is some crazy shit going on in the world of marketing!)

Despite all of this, I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to pull the plug - not yet any way.

FLDS Gangsta Rap

Concerts

Last night Brian and I went to see City and Colour. It was an awesome concert and the venue was perfectly suited to Dallas Green's silky voice. He did a an a capella song that left me bumpy.

It got me thinking about all the concerts I have been too over my life and I decided to compile a list. An eclectic, sort of weird, list:

54-40
The Northern Pikes
Colin James
Barenaked Ladies
Alanis Morisette
The Skeletones
U2
New Kids on the Block (x2)
The Proclaimers
Blue Rodeo
Chris Shepard (does he even count?)
Jann Arden
JP Hoe
The Killers
Soweto Gospel Choir
James Blunt
City and Colour
The Philosopher Kings
Rascalz
Blue October
Nelly Furtado (It was free. Just so you know.)

I feel like there could easily be another half a dozen or so. There are definitely a few hazy memories from the University era. I may have been at the concert or I may have been at a house party with a really good stereo. Not sure.

Maddie

I have become obsessed with the story of Maddie. She was born prematurely, but was due about the same time as Paisley. She was cute and I had enjoyed following her life as written by her Mom. I saw so many similarities between Paisley and Maddie and although she was often sick, Maddie had an obvious zest and love for life. And then she died. All of a sudden, with very little warning, Maddie's lungs gave out and she died. I have been checking the blog two or three times a day since then. I have cried more times than maybe I should given that technically, I never knew Maddie. I feel so much for her parents and her family and my heart aches for everything they have gone through. Of course it has made me appreciate the times I have with Paisley that much more. Sometimes I will be out at the store or the park with Paisley and Maddie will flash through my mind. I stop and hug Paisley or give her a kiss because I am so damn lucky.

I am so impressed with Maddie's parents and how they are coping. I know they feel like they are falling apart but I am continually shocked at their level of compassion and ability to share their pain with the world. Nobody ever wants to go through that but I find the idea that Maddie's life has affected mine, and made me appreciate my little girl that much more, very powerful. While they would obviously just prefer to have their baby back, I hope it makes Heather and Mike feel a little less alone to know that Maddie is not forgotten.

Twilight

Against my better judgment I bought and started reading Twilight this weekend. I had heard it was bad but I also heard from a few people that it was awesome and since it is looming large on our cultural landscape at the moment I decided I should be versed in all things vampire. Good God this book is bad. I mean, really, really bad. I honestly thought that since it would have been edited (professionally!) several times and eventually published that it would at least be grammatically correct with decent sentence structure. I was wrong.

I really can't believe this book made it to the marketplace. Harry Potter was simple in structure and obviously geared for younger readers but it was complex in plot, well-developed and solidly written. This drivel is badly written and seriously lacking in plot. Nothing even really happens for the first three hundred pages - unless you count swooning as plot development. The main character, Bella, has got to be the weakest most un-feminist character I've come across in a long time. She is basically treated like dirt repeatedly and keeps coming back for more...because he's hot. She lacks any self-respect or instincts for self-preservation and is willing to endanger her life...because he's hot. The quickness with which these poorly developed teenage swooners fall for one another is reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet and about as believable. Ugh.

I thought this book would be simple but good, written for young adults, but with elements of style that might explain its popularity. Instead I feel like I'm reading Sweet Valley High all over again and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to finish it. Stephenie Meyer should be ashamed of herself for inflicting such saccharine, poorly-constructed and misogynistic garbage on the young women of this world. As ashamed as I am for picking up the book in the first place.

To Paisley: Fifteen Months (and nine days) Old

Spring has been a long time coming this year and there have been many times where I thought it was here only to wake up to snow. In a way, the weather has mirrored what has been going on in our house this past month. You have been sick off and on for several weeks and every time I thought it was over it seemed to come back. Maybe it's the time of year or the fact that you see so many kids during a week but you have caught a few colds and a whopper of a bug. You are always so sweet and despite feeling miserable you usually try to be happy. Except for that one week which we will discuss later so as not to poison the entire newsletter.

You are such a big kid now! Your walking is getting faster and steadier every day and you roam further with each outing. You are confident and I let you walk as often as possible. It now takes me a VERY long time to go grocery shopping. I usually let you run free in the freezer section because there aren't any shelves where you can pull things down and you like looking through the big glass doors at all the processed foods you will never have. When people look at you, even a quick glance, you turn on the Paisley charm. It starts with a smile and then a wave. If you get continued eye contact you usually do the shrug and head tilt which elicits "Awwws" from even the stodgiest of characters. If necessary you resort to the babbling and laughing. It's incredible to watch and I would be lying if I hadn't seriously considered setting you up on a corner downtown next to an empty guitar case. Our money worries would be soon over.


You are still teething a lot and if I ever needed another argument against intelligent design (and I don't) it would be this. Having your teeth slowly and agonizingly work their way though your tender flesh before you have either words or the ability so take serious pain killers is a lousy experiment. I'll blame the teething on the fact that you are a bit of, well I'll just say it Paisley, you're a biter. You bit your friend Luke on the arm so hard that it left teeth marks and you try to bite me at least once a day. I even found you in your crib last week biting your own arm and laughing/crying. Very emo.

So, here we will discuss the week that I will be blocking from my memory. Two weeks ago you got sick. I mean puke in your crib, runny nose, miserable and sad sick. The first few days we cuddled and I carried you every where and my heart ached for you because you were obviously feeling lousy. Then all the symptoms went away and you appeared physically better except for the fact that the Paisley I knew and loved had disappeared along with the runny nose. What was left in her place was a whiny, needy, grouchy, angry little girl who needed attention at every waking minute. I am very proud that through the entire week this little monster was around, I never lost my cool. Not once. I was patient and kind and soft spoken. But I did break a tooth from all the grinding I did in trying to stay so cool. I was just starting to worry that this girl might be here to stay when poof! I woke up one morning and you were back. Rainbows, kittens and sunshine...and I was never happier to see you.


I have a lesson to pass on to you Paisley and I want you to pay close attention to what I am saying. I myself have had to learn this lesson the hard way, not once, not twice but several times in my life. Never, ever, under any circumstances, bleach your hair. It won't end well I can assure you. If ever something is bad enough that you think bleach will fix it, seek professional help. If ever you think, "Oh, I'll just start over with a blank canvas. Strip all the colour from my delicate, porous hair and it will be perfect..." it won't be. IT WON'T BE. What will happen is that your hair will turn all kinds of shades of pumpkin and then you will apply what is supposed to be a warm chocolate brown only it will be 100 shades of something ranging from green to black. Then your hairdresser will try to compensate for this by cutting your hair into some rocker-chick mop that will make you go home and cry because now you are a 31 year old stay-at-home-Mom who looks like a 45 year old cougar-mom. Ahem...now back to you you.

You have started talking this month and while I would love to say your first word was "Mama" it wasn't. It was "Uh Oh" (does that count as a word?) You say Mama and you know it but I think you don't really have a reason to use it because I am always there. Right there, in your face. Hugging you and kissing you and stroking your hair. I must be so annoying.


We celebrated Easter this month. When I was a child Easter meant a lot of church and then chocolate. Since we don't go to church it will probably mean family, ham, chocolate and easter eggs. Not too shabby. We went to see your Raymond family first and dyed eggs and then drove out to the coulees to roll them down a hill. There was more throwing than rolling but it was fun and a new experience for me which is the great thing about marriage. You get a whole new set of traditions. My Mom and Dad had just gotten back from South America so we had easter a second time a week later. You are a very lucky girl to have so many wonderful people to share your life with. And did I mention there was ham?


No matter how sick and whiny you get or how tired I become I have to be honest and say that it never really gets old. You are such a sweet and good-natured person that your good side always manages to shine through. Even if its covered in snot by the time you actually see it.


Love,
Mama

Update

Feeling bad about not blogging. So, here is a short list of what has been going on in my life lately:

•Knee hurts badly. Not sure yet what the diagnosis is but either way it sucks. I can't run and I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks. It has been very demoralizing after I worked so hard.

•Got a ton of work today writing web copy. Web copy about a company that makes machines that make trusses? Weirdly enough I enjoy it.

•Spring is here and that makes me very happy.

•I got a new Bissell steam mop and I love it. It cleans without chemicals and does an awesome job.

•Justin came to visit us this weekend and it was lovely to see him. We played Settlers of Catan, ate Indian food and went to Banff.

•I just finished Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill. It was good but a very easy read.

•I finished my XHTML class by designing an entire web site. I loved the class and will be taking the next one (CSS) in the fall.

•I got a hair cut which I hate. The reason the cut is so bad was because my hairdresser was trying to compensate for the ugly colour(s) in my hair after I botched THREE dye jobs. Have been thinking about shaving it all off.

•Went to the Killers concert and had a great time. It was awesome to see friends and drink beer while baby was far away.

•Celebrated Easter a second time with the Knox family a couple of weekends ago. Always love seeing my brothers and of course, Mom and Dad.

That's about it. I promise I will write again soon and I know that I have a newsletter due. I have been working like crazy on writing that I actually get paid to do and unfortunately that might not change for a while.