Often in the mornings, Brian will bring Paisley into our bed if I am still asleep. Most days she proceeds to poke me, prod me, yell "Wake up Mama!" into my face and generally bug me until I get out of bed. On lucky days, she will lie beside me and cuddle with me for awhile. I wake slowly but happy to have her next to me. We chat, she kisses me and we sing or play little word games. Yesterday, Brian put her on his side of the bed and when I rolled over to look at her sweet angelic face, she said "I need some sex Mama."
Thinking I might still be half asleep and clearly mishearing her, I said: "What!?"
"I need some sex right now Mama!"
I didn't even know what to say. I was thinking to myself "How does she know what that is? Where did she hear that? What am I supposed to say to that!?"
Then she clarified. "Mama, my feet are like ice. I need some sex!"
Oh. Socks. No problem.
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
To Paisley: 19 Months
Rather than write another post this month I decided to let you speak for yourself, in your own words:
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Yowzaa!
This is my eyelash curler with half of my eyelashes still in it. I slipped while curling and let me tell you, it hurts. And now my eyelid is half bald.
There is nothing so agonizing to the fine skin of vanity as the application of a rough truth. ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
There is nothing so agonizing to the fine skin of vanity as the application of a rough truth. ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Funny Things That Happened This Week
1. A few weeks ago I put the book When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris on hold at the Library. I was told that I was number 152 in line so I was very surprised when I got an email only a few days later telling me that my book was in. I picked it up and was surprised again by how thick it was. The book is a series of comedic essays and those types of books tend not to be tomes. I opened the front cover (apparently missing the "Disability Services" sticker on the jacket) to see this:
So, apparently I received the large print edition. Which not only means I can read it from across the room but that I've discovered a giant loophole in the library hold system.
2. On a gardening show on CBC radio, one of the hosts kept referring to "succulent orbs". She kept saying it over and over and it reminded me of the SNL Sweaty Balls skit. I chuckled all afternoon.
My friend Patsy was telling me a story. "So I'm at the movie theatre," she said, "and I've got my coat all neatly laid out against the back of my seat, when this guy comes along -" And here I stopped her, because I've always wondered about this coat business.
So, apparently I received the large print edition. Which not only means I can read it from across the room but that I've discovered a giant loophole in the library hold system.
2. On a gardening show on CBC radio, one of the hosts kept referring to "succulent orbs". She kept saying it over and over and it reminded me of the SNL Sweaty Balls skit. I chuckled all afternoon.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Overheard in the Cineplex Bathroom:
16 year old girl #1: "Did you know that you can buy recycled toilet paper now?
16 year old girl #2: "Ewwww!"
#1: "No, it's not like recycled toilet paper, it's made from recycled paper."
#2: Oh good, because I wouldn't want toilet paper that has already been on someone else's ass."
16 year old girl #2: "Ewwww!"
#1: "No, it's not like recycled toilet paper, it's made from recycled paper."
#2: Oh good, because I wouldn't want toilet paper that has already been on someone else's ass."
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Fender Bender Leaves Calgary Couple Jaded and Bent
Special Report
Karoline Nox - Reporter
A minor fender bender left a Calgary couple late for work and feeling shaken up, Monday morning. While traveling south bound on 14th Street NW, the couple, who were driving a white VW Passat were rear-ended by a white 1990 Dodge Colt. "I saw her coming in my rear-view mirror, " says the driver of the Passat, Caroline Knox, 29. "She wasn't even looking, she just seemed to be digging around in the car and never looked up. I braced for the impact...it was pretty hard." Shaken and annoyed by the avoidable collision Knox and her husband, Brian West, 31, who was sitting in the passenger side pulled over to avoid another accident. "I told her (Knox) to call 9-1-1 because there was fluid and glass all over the road" said West, "When I looked over she was calling 9-1-1 and then, the next thing I knew, she was on the phone with CBC's traffic reporter, giving them them all the details of the accident. She really loves CBC radio."
The other occupant of the car, who was still wearing her gigantic sun hat after exiting her car, was slightly injured by her seat belt but was otherwise unharmed. "My foot slipped and I hit the gas instead of the brake" said the woman, who refused to give her name, "It was an accident." "Yah right." said Knox, while rolling her eyes.
Firetrucks and police arrived at the scene but took longer than Knox or West expected, "I have four job interviews today." said West, who looked dashing in his navy blue pinstriped suit. The fireman were quick to clean up the glass and were very attractive and well-bronzed from their daily workouts. Knox commented on the excellent service they received at the scene, "One of the hot ones asked me if I needed an ambulance. Mouth-to-mouth I might have accepted, but an ambulance? Not necessary."
Damage estimates for the Passat sit at $4,000 while the Dodge Colt was totaled and needed to be towed from the scene. Police issued a ticket for careless driving to the occupant of the Colt. "I knew her foot didn't slip, " said Knox, "Do they hand out tickets for retarded driving too?"
Approximately 45 minutes after the initial collision, both Knox and West were able to leave the scene. While both occupants sustained minor injuries, Knox seemed the worst off and was unable to attend work for several days after the incident, "Whiplash is a bitch," said Knox, "I could hardly even move. But I'm okay...nothing too serious." "I'm just happy that we're both okay, " said West, who appeared to be the more rational of the two, "It makes you realize how quickly things can go wrong." "Especially when you're a moron driving a car." added Knox.
Karoline Nox - Reporter
A minor fender bender left a Calgary couple late for work and feeling shaken up, Monday morning. While traveling south bound on 14th Street NW, the couple, who were driving a white VW Passat were rear-ended by a white 1990 Dodge Colt. "I saw her coming in my rear-view mirror, " says the driver of the Passat, Caroline Knox, 29. "She wasn't even looking, she just seemed to be digging around in the car and never looked up. I braced for the impact...it was pretty hard." Shaken and annoyed by the avoidable collision Knox and her husband, Brian West, 31, who was sitting in the passenger side pulled over to avoid another accident. "I told her (Knox) to call 9-1-1 because there was fluid and glass all over the road" said West, "When I looked over she was calling 9-1-1 and then, the next thing I knew, she was on the phone with CBC's traffic reporter, giving them them all the details of the accident. She really loves CBC radio."
The other occupant of the car, who was still wearing her gigantic sun hat after exiting her car, was slightly injured by her seat belt but was otherwise unharmed. "My foot slipped and I hit the gas instead of the brake" said the woman, who refused to give her name, "It was an accident." "Yah right." said Knox, while rolling her eyes.
Firetrucks and police arrived at the scene but took longer than Knox or West expected, "I have four job interviews today." said West, who looked dashing in his navy blue pinstriped suit. The fireman were quick to clean up the glass and were very attractive and well-bronzed from their daily workouts. Knox commented on the excellent service they received at the scene, "One of the hot ones asked me if I needed an ambulance. Mouth-to-mouth I might have accepted, but an ambulance? Not necessary."
Damage estimates for the Passat sit at $4,000 while the Dodge Colt was totaled and needed to be towed from the scene. Police issued a ticket for careless driving to the occupant of the Colt. "I knew her foot didn't slip, " said Knox, "Do they hand out tickets for retarded driving too?"
Approximately 45 minutes after the initial collision, both Knox and West were able to leave the scene. While both occupants sustained minor injuries, Knox seemed the worst off and was unable to attend work for several days after the incident, "Whiplash is a bitch," said Knox, "I could hardly even move. But I'm okay...nothing too serious." "I'm just happy that we're both okay, " said West, who appeared to be the more rational of the two, "It makes you realize how quickly things can go wrong." "Especially when you're a moron driving a car." added Knox.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Warbled Gords
I don't know what you would call these misused words but they're pretty funny and increasingly common:
On a personal blog:
"I didn't want him to think I took him for granite..."
(Or concrete or heaven forbid, even brick...)
In a THIS Magazine story:
"And it's healthy - hemp seed is a high source of protein and contains essential fatty assets."
(Fatty assets? Is that what happens when saddle-bags meets money bag?)
In a conversation yesterday...repeatedly used by everyone at the table except me:
"If money were no option...""If I could go anywhere and money were no option I would go to Tuscany."
(Really? If money were no object I would send you back to high school English.)
And the one I hear literally everyday at work:
"The idea just needs to be flushed out..." "Good point Caroline, can you flush it out for us a little bit?"
(I can flesh it out if you would prefer. Or hey, even better, I could get another job.)
On a personal blog:
"I didn't want him to think I took him for granite..."
(Or concrete or heaven forbid, even brick...)
In a THIS Magazine story:
"And it's healthy - hemp seed is a high source of protein and contains essential fatty assets."
(Fatty assets? Is that what happens when saddle-bags meets money bag?)
In a conversation yesterday...repeatedly used by everyone at the table except me:
"If money were no option...""If I could go anywhere and money were no option I would go to Tuscany."
(Really? If money were no object I would send you back to high school English.)
And the one I hear literally everyday at work:
"The idea just needs to be flushed out..." "Good point Caroline, can you flush it out for us a little bit?"
(I can flesh it out if you would prefer. Or hey, even better, I could get another job.)
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
A least I didn't ask them to donate blood...
This past Christmas I decided to start a new tradition in our house and do an anonymous Secret Santa. I chose a single woman at my office and a family that lives across the street from us. I have seen this family out in the yard and smiled and waved but have never actually met them. The family consists of two little kids, a boy and a girl, the parents and the Grandma. They are immigrants from Africa and the Grandma would walk past our house dressed in beautiful Tribal dresses and matching head wraps. She always looks so regal and kind. I thought they would be a great family to "treat" over the Holidays.
Every week leading up to Christmas I left a little gift on their doorstep or in their mailbox. Chocolates, cookies, candles. Each gift had a little tag attached, "From your Secret Santa". I got such a kick out of imagining what they were thinking and the nice feeling that would accompany a secret Christmas friend.
That is until I found out that the family are Jehovah's Witnesses. And don't celebrate Christmas. And probably think I'm the devil.
Bah-humbug.
Every week leading up to Christmas I left a little gift on their doorstep or in their mailbox. Chocolates, cookies, candles. Each gift had a little tag attached, "From your Secret Santa". I got such a kick out of imagining what they were thinking and the nice feeling that would accompany a secret Christmas friend.
That is until I found out that the family are Jehovah's Witnesses. And don't celebrate Christmas. And probably think I'm the devil.
Bah-humbug.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Welcome to the New Age
Raelians...all of them. I just knew it.
...and what's with the dirty look brother Bush is giving to Brother Harper?
...and what's with the dirty look brother Bush is giving to Brother Harper?
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
The World is a Pigeonhole
Last night I went to watch Brian coach his Special Olympics basketball team. One of his athletes, Carolyn, was also one of my track athletes. As soon as she saw me she came running across the gym and gave me a big hug. It was nice to feel so liked. She sat down and we chatted. At one point she leaned over to me and pointed to Mick, one of the other coaches.
“I think he’s Jewish” she said.
“Pardon me?”
“I think he’s a Jew.” (She says “Jew” like it’s a dirty word)
“Really?” I said, thinking to myself, “Oh boy, this should be good”
“Yah. Look, he has sideburns. That means he’s a Jew.”
Once again I am forced to recognize that stereotypes extend into other stereotyped groups...and why shouldn't they? My Korean students thought Japanese people had slanted eyes and that products made in China were cheap. And my mentally handicapped friend is an anti-Semite.
“I think he’s Jewish” she said.
“Pardon me?”
“I think he’s a Jew.” (She says “Jew” like it’s a dirty word)
“Really?” I said, thinking to myself, “Oh boy, this should be good”
“Yah. Look, he has sideburns. That means he’s a Jew.”
Once again I am forced to recognize that stereotypes extend into other stereotyped groups...and why shouldn't they? My Korean students thought Japanese people had slanted eyes and that products made in China were cheap. And my mentally handicapped friend is an anti-Semite.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
I Own Noobs
I sometimes complain that Calgary has no subcultures, no real diversity to speak of. Tonight I was proven wrong. My brother and I went to see the 12th episode ofPure Pwnage, an internet show that has taken (a certain demographic) by storm. We showed up, with pre-purchased tickets thanks to my brother, and there was already a huge line up. The line up consisted mostly of teenaged boys carrying original Nintendo guns and sporting trench coats. They were selling merchandise at the theatre and the crowd was going crazy! Before the show started they had the characters from the show (Pure Pwnage is filmed in Toronto but most of the cast is from Calgary) come out and they brought a bunch of fans to the front to do random things like, oh, I don’t know-spout off the entire dialogue from episode three. These fans were extremely devoted and apparently all had very good memories. Or no life. At one point during the evening I went to the bathroom and for the first time in my movie-going life I walked past the long lineup for the guys bathroom and right into an empty ladies room. Awesome.
It was a good night. The show was great and I got a glimpse into another world. A world where it is okay to wear videogame t-shirts and tight jeans, where it’s normal to pull out your DS at slow points in the film and where most people only knew each other by their Warcraft alias. I felt like I had ventured beyond the borders of Cowtown and I enjoyed the trip.
It was a good night. The show was great and I got a glimpse into another world. A world where it is okay to wear videogame t-shirts and tight jeans, where it’s normal to pull out your DS at slow points in the film and where most people only knew each other by their Warcraft alias. I felt like I had ventured beyond the borders of Cowtown and I enjoyed the trip.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Pardon me, Excuse me...leper coming through...
On Saturday we went to the Korean Festival here in Calgary. We braved the rain and the possibility that we might feel like unwanted foreign invaders all for a taste of galbi and dukbogi. Now, dukbogi is a street food and not one of the Korean foods I ever thought I would encounter again, but we relished every chewy cabbage-covered bite of it.
Koreans use the word waygook to describe, well, everyone who isn't Korean. American soldiers are waygooks, so are white people, and Chinese and Japanese and probably those of Korean descent who live in other countries. The Korean ability to categorize others so easily is a perfect example of their xenophobic and insular approach to the world. Here's a better example: they were still calling us waygooks here in Calgary! The festival, advertised in English, was obviously geared for Koreans since the entire festival was in Korean (and Chinese for some reason) and the signs were in hangul. This was another thing we encountered a lot of in Korea...a map or a pamphlet with an English title or introduction and then nothing else. I can't tell you how many times we picked up an English booklet only to find the inside entirely in Korean. What a pump-fake. Anyway, we got such a kick out of the fact that they were still referring to us as "foreigners" in our home country...I guess it's all a matter of perspective and some people's perspectives never change.
Koreans use the word waygook to describe, well, everyone who isn't Korean. American soldiers are waygooks, so are white people, and Chinese and Japanese and probably those of Korean descent who live in other countries. The Korean ability to categorize others so easily is a perfect example of their xenophobic and insular approach to the world. Here's a better example: they were still calling us waygooks here in Calgary! The festival, advertised in English, was obviously geared for Koreans since the entire festival was in Korean (and Chinese for some reason) and the signs were in hangul. This was another thing we encountered a lot of in Korea...a map or a pamphlet with an English title or introduction and then nothing else. I can't tell you how many times we picked up an English booklet only to find the inside entirely in Korean. What a pump-fake. Anyway, we got such a kick out of the fact that they were still referring to us as "foreigners" in our home country...I guess it's all a matter of perspective and some people's perspectives never change.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Special Olympics
Last night was the wrap up party for Special Olympics. We ate pizza, laughed and talked and then played "Duck, Duck, Goose". I was put in charge of explaining to the group how the game is played. So I stood up and proceeded to teach them how to play. When I got to the running part I told them to chase the person around the circle until they sit down. Ooops. One of the other coaches quickly jumped in to explain that "Noooo, you run the opposite way of the person who tagged you." All of a sudden all the special athletes starting laughing and teasing me, "What's wrong with you? Don't you know how to play Duck Duck Goose?" "It's a baby game and you don't know it!" I felt like I was stuck in some weird Adam Sandler movie and the hilarity of it all struck me as I stood in the circle being taunted by a group of special olympians. Now that's funny. Another funny thing? If "Duck Duck Goose" ever becomes an Olympic Sport, Korea is screwed because a certain teacher taught all her kids the wrong way.
Some of my Special Friends...
Caroline and...Caroline
Some of my Special Friends...
Caroline and...Caroline
Friday, June 23, 2006
Summer Solstice
In an attempt to go back to our Pagan roots, Brian and I headed out to Big Rock (the closest thing we could find to Stonehenge) for a little midnight sun worship...
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Foot in Mouth Disease
I wouldn't really label myself an innocent in any sense of the word, but I must admit that I seem to have missed some crucial education somewhere along the way. Every once in a while I will be caught out in saying something really bad without even realizing I've said anything. Like the time I told my professor that I was a member of the Mile High Club. I had no idea what I was talking about.
This morning, I told my friend Greg that Brian was going to grow a Dirty Sanchez. He lost it. I thought he was going to cry he was laughing so hard. I asked him what was so funny and he couldn't really even answer me. Obviously Dirty Sanchez isn't what I thought it was. Greg wouldn't enlighten me (couldn't enlighten me between gasps for air) so I called Brian. After hearing what it really is (if you don't know you'll have to do some of your own research) I realized that it is NOT the little Mexican mustache I had previously thought.
The things you learn.
This morning, I told my friend Greg that Brian was going to grow a Dirty Sanchez. He lost it. I thought he was going to cry he was laughing so hard. I asked him what was so funny and he couldn't really even answer me. Obviously Dirty Sanchez isn't what I thought it was. Greg wouldn't enlighten me (couldn't enlighten me between gasps for air) so I called Brian. After hearing what it really is (if you don't know you'll have to do some of your own research) I realized that it is NOT the little Mexican mustache I had previously thought.
The things you learn.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Things that make me laugh...
1. Dooce
2. People who buy Volvos because they're safe and then drive them like maniacs.
3. People who apply suncreen (presumably to protect them from the sun's damaging rays) while smoking.
4. Women in high-heel shoes in airports.
5. Fancy people who don't bother to wash their hands in the bathroom.
6. Stephen Harper's hair
7. When other people laugh...especially Brian
8. The term "Beep...boop...bap." Funniest when said in a high pitched robot voice.
9. Kurt Vonnegut
10. The absurdity of it all.
2. People who buy Volvos because they're safe and then drive them like maniacs.
3. People who apply suncreen (presumably to protect them from the sun's damaging rays) while smoking.
4. Women in high-heel shoes in airports.
5. Fancy people who don't bother to wash their hands in the bathroom.
6. Stephen Harper's hair
7. When other people laugh...especially Brian
8. The term "Beep...boop...bap." Funniest when said in a high pitched robot voice.
9. Kurt Vonnegut
10. The absurdity of it all.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Quoth the Raven
It feels good to be right. Brian and I have had bets going on lately and so far I've won them all. First we had a disagreement that centered around how to make a bed. Brian insists that the top sheet should be tucked under the pillow so that when you grab it and pull back, your pillow is launched into the atmosphere like some down filled rocket ship. I, on the other hand, being well-versed in all things Martha, know how to properly make a bed. The top sheet should be folded down so that it can be pulled back without anything flying across the room. We made a bet to take a close look at how the bed in our hotel was made and lo and behold if I'm not owed a night out at the movies.
And...
Ravens DO TOO exist in North America. And that giant black bird tearing a large rodent to pieces on the side of the highway is NOT a crow but indeed, a raven.
Poe's Lost Verse...
First he laughed then started jeering, sure of self and never fearing
That he may find himself locked in lengthy combat once more
Nothing further did she utter, though her heart was all a flutter
In silence bread from certainty, her foot tapped on the car floor
"When will you see that I am right!?", her eyes still on the car floor
Quoth the husband, "Nevermore".
And...
Ravens DO TOO exist in North America. And that giant black bird tearing a large rodent to pieces on the side of the highway is NOT a crow but indeed, a raven.
Poe's Lost Verse...
First he laughed then started jeering, sure of self and never fearing
That he may find himself locked in lengthy combat once more
Nothing further did she utter, though her heart was all a flutter
In silence bread from certainty, her foot tapped on the car floor
"When will you see that I am right!?", her eyes still on the car floor
Quoth the husband, "Nevermore".
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
My life in 15ths...
February 15, 1990
Dear Diary,
My birthday!! I'm twelve years old! I love New Kids on the Block, there (sic) rad! I'm going to keep this diary for the rest of my life. In the year 3000 I hope someone finds this. Bye!
February 15th, 1992
I am now 14!! A whole 14! This weekend we went to Edmonton and I got to go to Red Lobster for dinner and I had 30 shrimp! I love shrimp! Mom took me birthday shopping at West Ed. and I got a plaid shirt, a belt, shoes and an Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt! Mom and I got a model makeover too...it was marvy. Right now there are these really cool shoes called Doc Martens and they have union jacks on the toes but they are way too expensive. So this weekend I took an old pair of black shoes and I spray painted them with union jacks (Dad helped me) and they look great!
I can't believe I am already 14. Sometimes I get scared when I think how fast everything is going and other times it feels really slow and I can't wait to get older. Sometimes I hate being a kid. One day I'm happy and the next day I want to cry. None of the guys like me...they all like Aysha. They think I am weird. Antoine told me the other day that he likes me but that I'm not pretty enough. Screw him! He likes Aysha too. I wonder if I will ever be cool or if anyone will ever get me. I always feel like I am living on another planet...people tell me that I'm too smart. Sometimes I believe them but sometimes I think it's just a nice way of saying "You're weird."
Last week in gym class Mr.Senft made us play the most sexist game!!! Get this! It was sort of like basketball but the guys and ONLY the guys had to play with one hand behind their back, also the boys only had one hoop they could score on and the girls had three! Because I resented the rules I played with one hand behind my back. The boys beat us anyway but that isn't the point! I was so mad afterwards, but some of the girls told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing. No wonder today's society is so sexist against women - the women stand for it!
Anyway, gotta go...happy birthday to me!!
Dear Diary,
My birthday!! I'm twelve years old! I love New Kids on the Block, there (sic) rad! I'm going to keep this diary for the rest of my life. In the year 3000 I hope someone finds this. Bye!
February 15th, 1992
I am now 14!! A whole 14! This weekend we went to Edmonton and I got to go to Red Lobster for dinner and I had 30 shrimp! I love shrimp! Mom took me birthday shopping at West Ed. and I got a plaid shirt, a belt, shoes and an Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt! Mom and I got a model makeover too...it was marvy. Right now there are these really cool shoes called Doc Martens and they have union jacks on the toes but they are way too expensive. So this weekend I took an old pair of black shoes and I spray painted them with union jacks (Dad helped me) and they look great!
I can't believe I am already 14. Sometimes I get scared when I think how fast everything is going and other times it feels really slow and I can't wait to get older. Sometimes I hate being a kid. One day I'm happy and the next day I want to cry. None of the guys like me...they all like Aysha. They think I am weird. Antoine told me the other day that he likes me but that I'm not pretty enough. Screw him! He likes Aysha too. I wonder if I will ever be cool or if anyone will ever get me. I always feel like I am living on another planet...people tell me that I'm too smart. Sometimes I believe them but sometimes I think it's just a nice way of saying "You're weird."
Last week in gym class Mr.Senft made us play the most sexist game!!! Get this! It was sort of like basketball but the guys and ONLY the guys had to play with one hand behind their back, also the boys only had one hoop they could score on and the girls had three! Because I resented the rules I played with one hand behind my back. The boys beat us anyway but that isn't the point! I was so mad afterwards, but some of the girls told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing. No wonder today's society is so sexist against women - the women stand for it!
Anyway, gotta go...happy birthday to me!!
Monday, November 14, 2005
The TV Lies
Despite what you may have seen on television and on the commercials, couples cannot walk hand in hand in their matching fleece jackets, down the aisles of Home Depot and not get into a fist fight by the time they hit plumbing supplies. In fact, what will happen is this:
W: Look at this nice carpet...I wonder how much it is? Maybe I should go and ask.
M: Well, are you going to buy it today?
W: No...I just thought it might be a good idea to ask so we have an idea of what kind of price we're looking at.
M: Humph.
W: Fine. Forget it.
M: Well, no, seriously...what are we even doing here? We've been here an hour.
W: An hour? That's nothing. I still haven't seen half the store. We have a lot of things to buy you know and so far (voice rises a pitch) I've been doing it all alone. I thought you might want to help.
M: What have you done all by yourself?
W: Everything! I've picked out the sheets, the paint colours, the duvets, the appliances...
M: That's because I don't care about that stuff.
W: (Jaw drops...followed closely by tears of injustice. She grabs the cart, swivels and stomps away to the lighting department where she proceeds to wipe her eyes under the glow of a thousand lightbulbs.)
M: (Gets angry that W just walked away...he heads to the screwdriver department. Not to think...just to look at screwdrivers.)
A reunion is conducted by cell phone and text messages. The reunion doesn't go so well because W is still upset and M is still thinking about screwdrivers.
M: I have told you a hundred times...I don't like shopping.
W: But this is Home-freakin-Depot. I thought it would be different!
M: It's not. I hate shopping.
W: How can you hate shopping...isn't this "manly stuff" (obviously still struggling with the concept)
M: I hate shopping for everything.
W: Oh. (Thinking..."Did you hate shopping for my wedding ring?...you jerk)
The couple leaves Home Depot never to return again...at least not together. The music crescendos...orange and white Home Depot sign appears. The end.
W: Look at this nice carpet...I wonder how much it is? Maybe I should go and ask.
M: Well, are you going to buy it today?
W: No...I just thought it might be a good idea to ask so we have an idea of what kind of price we're looking at.
M: Humph.
W: Fine. Forget it.
M: Well, no, seriously...what are we even doing here? We've been here an hour.
W: An hour? That's nothing. I still haven't seen half the store. We have a lot of things to buy you know and so far (voice rises a pitch) I've been doing it all alone. I thought you might want to help.
M: What have you done all by yourself?
W: Everything! I've picked out the sheets, the paint colours, the duvets, the appliances...
M: That's because I don't care about that stuff.
W: (Jaw drops...followed closely by tears of injustice. She grabs the cart, swivels and stomps away to the lighting department where she proceeds to wipe her eyes under the glow of a thousand lightbulbs.)
M: (Gets angry that W just walked away...he heads to the screwdriver department. Not to think...just to look at screwdrivers.)
A reunion is conducted by cell phone and text messages. The reunion doesn't go so well because W is still upset and M is still thinking about screwdrivers.
M: I have told you a hundred times...I don't like shopping.
W: But this is Home-freakin-Depot. I thought it would be different!
M: It's not. I hate shopping.
W: How can you hate shopping...isn't this "manly stuff" (obviously still struggling with the concept)
M: I hate shopping for everything.
W: Oh. (Thinking..."Did you hate shopping for my wedding ring?...you jerk)
The couple leaves Home Depot never to return again...at least not together. The music crescendos...orange and white Home Depot sign appears. The end.
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