Saturday, September 10, 2005

Wrestling with the MediOgre

Let's hope my recent melancholic musings are fueled by estrogen, because if they're not, I'm screwed. I feel like a failure...a loser even. I'm back in Canada with no journalistic proof of my journey abroad and no great job perspectives. I am looking for a job in communications because it pays better and more importantly because I'm too lazy and unmotivated to be a decent freelancer. I don't even have a job title. I'm not a neuroscientist, I'm not a journalist. If I get work, what will I be? A "communicator"? Big deal, even my cat can communicate.

I always had big dreams and for the past few weeks I have been telling myself that I need to face reality and that my dreams of being a novelist/doctor/feminist politician/rock climber/orphanage opener/ were just that...dreams. Silly dreams. Until I realized in an early morning clear headed moment that really, I had just failed to apply myself. Ever. To anything.

It seems that the only commitment I have ever made and kept was to mediocrity.


Suzanne said...

Wow, you and Justin have blogged the thoughts rolling around in my head for years.
All I can say about dreams, mediocrity, potential and all that, is once you stop having these ghastly moments where you don't know where all the time and ideas went, well, that's when you should really start to get worried.
Because, for me, that's when I've accepted my place and no longer have the desire to change.
So, rage on, estrogen-fuelled or least you're still thinking and feeling.

Eileen said...

Sunshine, it hits me like a bus every second day that i could have achieved so much more had i applied myself. You are not alone on this one. Everyone thinks the exact same thing. So at this stage, why bother crying over spilt milk. You have made your realisations,now is the time to act on what you have learned and start anew. There are plenty of opportunities out there. Make sure you really want them!

( oprah double bill each day here...would you ever have guessed)

O'Leary said...

Wow, never would have thought I'd hear you say that. I think you've done quite the opposite in life. This could get long. I'll email you instead.