Thursday, June 04, 2009

Treadmill

We had a long talk last night. About our life and the fact that we are in a rut. It is hard to avoid. Our life contains a toddler and a restrictive work schedule on Brian's part. We are not unhappy but we are not overly happy either. We just are.

Just being is something that Brian and I have fought against, both as individuals and as a couple, from the very beginning. We travelled, we ditched lives when they weren't working and found new ones. We ditched churches when they weren't working. We got married when it was right for us and chose careers when we were sure of what we wanted. We did things our way. To be fair, we are not now in a situation we didn't choose. We really wanted a baby and I wouldn't change that for a second. Having Paisley is the best thing I've ever done. But we chose to settle down for the time being and put down roots. Life is funny - when you travel and live in so many places it is is exciting but lonely. When you stay put you feel so...put. But, I also feel like I am a part of something, part of my community and of the city. It has taken nearly 4 years for me to feel like that.

I want more for us. I don't want to live completely independent lives during the week, only to have beautiful collisions on the weekend. I don't want to have to pencil conversations or sex into my planner to ensure it gets done. To check the boxes. I don't want for us to be so tired all the time. This kind of life is what leads to someone waking up at 45 and not knowing what the hell has happened. It leads to mediocrity.

Reality is limiting. We are limited by time and money, two very crucial things. Brian's work schedule is difficult but there isn't much we can do (at this point in the game) to change it. And he likes it. We don't have the money to travel or explore or get away for a few days even. We have to be creative within the confines of our lives.

This is not a unique situation. Across the city and the planet, young families are feeling this way and many of them are far worse off than we are. At the same time, knowing that other people are in the same position as me doesn't make me feel better. It makes me even more motivated to make sure we don't stay this way - living by default, in a crowd.

2 comments:

Jessica said...

Hey Caroline,
Chin up. Once they turn 2, life comes back. I feel like I can do everything again and Atticus listens to me and can tell me what he wants. Life is good. So, now we are venturing into number two land. I just keep telling myself, "two more years and I get my life back."

Traveling is definitely not even close to fun these days, though. It pretty much consists of camping and resorts with babysitting. But, soon they will be old enough to enjoy family adventures and traveling abroad.

I do remember feeling like you are now at about the same age that Paisley is now, when Atticus was that age. Tomás was doing baseball and I felt trapped and bored. I mean the zoo and children's museum are fun for kids, not really adults. We were in a new city and I didn't have many friends. I felt like I never saw Tom and days were stressful and boring. Of course I loved and cherished my little one, but sometimes, well actually quite often, we need adult fun. By this I mean drinking wine and discussing something other than our kids with other adults. The kids can be playing there, too, but they are NOT the focus. Now I have this and I don't get frustrated and lonely.

Good luck, it will get better.

Eileen said...

It's not a rut. It's a bridge to the next extraordinary moment in your life.

This is how I am looking at things these days. So much happened to Ian and I over the last four years that the concept of 'settling down' has been daunting. If not mind numbingly boring.

It is as if life has been dropped a gear and things no longer seem as fast paced and exciting. But, they are! In a much more sedate fashion.

I know you don't want to be a Mom Blogger, but, for the time being your number one role is Mom!! You are doing something so many of my friends here would love to do- you are home each day with your little girl. Wowzers!

I can empathize with Brian and long work hours. It makes time for you and him 'scheduled' as opposed to spontaneous and spicy. Again, I view this a minor blip on the ulitmate life plan.

Enjoy the time with your adorable little lady and that with Brian! It will be gone before you know it!!!