We had a long talk last night. About our life and the fact that we are in a rut. It is hard to avoid. Our life contains a toddler and a restrictive work schedule on Brian's part. We are not unhappy but we are not overly happy either. We just are.
Just being is something that Brian and I have fought against, both as individuals and as a couple, from the very beginning. We travelled, we ditched lives when they weren't working and found new ones. We ditched churches when they weren't working. We got married when it was right for us and chose careers when we were sure of what we wanted. We did things our way. To be fair, we are not now in a situation we didn't choose. We really wanted a baby and I wouldn't change that for a second. Having Paisley is the best thing I've ever done. But we chose to settle down for the time being and put down roots. Life is funny - when you travel and live in so many places it is is exciting but lonely. When you stay put you feel so...put. But, I also feel like I am a part of something, part of my community and of the city. It has taken nearly 4 years for me to feel like that.
I want more for us. I don't want to live completely independent lives during the week, only to have beautiful collisions on the weekend. I don't want to have to pencil conversations or sex into my planner to ensure it gets done. To check the boxes. I don't want for us to be so tired all the time. This kind of life is what leads to someone waking up at 45 and not knowing what the hell has happened. It leads to mediocrity.
Reality is limiting. We are limited by time and money, two very crucial things. Brian's work schedule is difficult but there isn't much we can do (at this point in the game) to change it. And he likes it. We don't have the money to travel or explore or get away for a few days even. We have to be creative within the confines of our lives.
This is not a unique situation. Across the city and the planet, young families are feeling this way and many of them are far worse off than we are. At the same time, knowing that other people are in the same position as me doesn't make me feel better. It makes me even more motivated to make sure we don't stay this way - living by default, in a crowd.