Monday, November 14, 2005

The TV Lies

Despite what you may have seen on television and on the commercials, couples cannot walk hand in hand in their matching fleece jackets, down the aisles of Home Depot and not get into a fist fight by the time they hit plumbing supplies. In fact, what will happen is this:

W: Look at this nice carpet...I wonder how much it is? Maybe I should go and ask.
M: Well, are you going to buy it today?
W: No...I just thought it might be a good idea to ask so we have an idea of what kind of price we're looking at.
M: Humph.
W: Fine. Forget it.
M: Well, no, seriously...what are we even doing here? We've been here an hour.
W: An hour? That's nothing. I still haven't seen half the store. We have a lot of things to buy you know and so far (voice rises a pitch) I've been doing it all alone. I thought you might want to help.
M: What have you done all by yourself?
W: Everything! I've picked out the sheets, the paint colours, the duvets, the appliances...
M: That's because I don't care about that stuff.
W: (Jaw drops...followed closely by tears of injustice. She grabs the cart, swivels and stomps away to the lighting department where she proceeds to wipe her eyes under the glow of a thousand lightbulbs.)
M: (Gets angry that W just walked away...he heads to the screwdriver department. Not to think...just to look at screwdrivers.)

A reunion is conducted by cell phone and text messages. The reunion doesn't go so well because W is still upset and M is still thinking about screwdrivers.

M: I have told you a hundred times...I don't like shopping.
W: But this is Home-freakin-Depot. I thought it would be different!
M: It's not. I hate shopping.
W: How can you hate shopping...isn't this "manly stuff" (obviously still struggling with the concept)
M: I hate shopping for everything.
W: Oh. (Thinking..."Did you hate shopping for my wedding ring?...you jerk)

The couple leaves Home Depot never to return again...at least not together. The music crescendos...orange and white Home Depot sign appears. The end.

1 comment:

terri said...

This is why Dan isn't allowed to come grocery shopping with me anymore. He can't deal with my being anal (although I maintain that there is clearly a way one should go through a grocery store) and spending stupid amounts of times price-comparing and reading food labels, I get mad when he puts things in the cart and messes with my budget. I like all shopping, including grocery shopping, and he hates all shopping, even grocery shopping.