My birthday is fast approaching and for the first time in my life I'm not feeling all that excited. In fact, you might even call it cold dread; if you were so dramatically inclined. Twenty-nine isn't a milestone year necessarily but after much thought I've realized that for me, it's a big one. This is the first birthday where I haven't had a world of opportunities facing me in the coming year. Last year I had just started a new job and still didn't know what it would hold. The year before that I was living in Asia and was getting married and going traveling. Before that, just got engaged and in grad school. I could go on and on all the way back to my teen years and every year has offered hope of the unknown. A year of opportunities and excitement and endless possibilities. I never knew for sure where I would be at the same time the following year. This year I think I can guess where I will be on Feb. 15th, 2008. In Calgary, probably living in the same place, maybe working at the same job and Brian will still be in school. I'll still be broke and not much will have changed. Obviously I can't be sure of any of this and things could always happen but I just feel like at this point in my life a lot of the big decisions are made. Marriage, a career, a house, a city. This is my life, my real life.
For so many years I looked forward to when my "real, adult" life started. I imagined what it would be like to own a home and put down roots and drive to the office everyday. At 25 I thought I would have a family by now and I would be at least a part-time writer, writing witty columns in the newspaper or plugging away on another book. I thought I would be shopping at nice stores and not worrying about the bills. It's not that I don't like my life because I do, I've just never had the same life for so long.
I think some of this is coming from the whole diabetes thing which has kind of bitch-slapped me when I least expected it. Just when I thought I was getting things together, something like that comes along and turns it all upside down. When I said I wanted a little more of the unexpected, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
I feel annoyed at myself because I've always loved birthdays and could never understand those people who moped around in stodgy anticipation of the big day. My birthday has always been a cause for celebration, another year behind and a fresh start with a new number attached to my identity. It's just such a cliche to feel the way I do. I hate cliches. (almost as much as I hate computer programs that refuse to automatically add the accent on the "e" in cliche).