Saturday, January 31, 2009

To Paisley: Twelve Months Old

A year - I have been putting off this post because I find it a bit daunting, scary even. There are so many things I want to say and want to tell you. What an incredible year this has been and how loved you are and I am fearful that I will fail miserably to express it in words.

When I first found out I was pregnant I didn't feel excited. We had been through three miscarriages already and I was afraid to feel excited. I felt hopeful and wanted you more than anything. After we passed the 12 week mark I allowed the excitement to seep in, little by little until it started to grow as quickly as my belly. Maybe that's what that extra 70 lbs was - just a lot of excitement? I remember trying to imagine what you would look like and who you would be. What would our life look like at 1 month, 3 months, a year? It seemed so far away and now, here we are. Here you are - we made it kiddo!

You are a real little person now and growing more willful and independent by the day. You are standing up and cruising on everything and love the stairs. One evening, while I was making dinner and you were playing in the living room I looked down for a nanosecond only to look up again and see that you had disappeared. I didn't worry because you are always trying to get into the toilet so I went around to the bathroom. Nothing. I couldn't see or hear you anywhere and I started to panic "I lost my kid! In my living room! What kind of horrible mother am I!?" I looked up the stairs and you weren't there either. Then I heard a giggle. I walked up the stairs and around the corner on the landing and there you were - upstairs, laughing your head off. Other things that make you laugh include sneezing, unpacking newly folded laundry from the basket, throwing your head back violently and chucking things off the edge of your change table. You have a devilish streak in you that I both recognize (sorry Mom!) and love. You make this crazy face and I still can't decide if it's really ugly or incredibly's probably both.

You had an early birthday party this year and your Dad's family came to Okotoks from Raymond to celebrate you. I made the ugliest cake in the history of mankind. I promise when you are older and it really counts that I will make you nice cakes that you can be proud of. My Mom always made great birthday party food and I look forward to doing the same for you. I'll even put rum in the punch if it will help your party get off the ground. It was so nice to see you with both sets of grandparents (and your beautiful Aunt Kaylee came too) and to know that you are so loved. You are really starting to recognize people now and you lapped up the attention. That trait also seems vaguely familiar I'm afraid.

There are days when I question my decision to stay home. Days when a friend calls me and all I can think to tell them is that you did this or that and how cute you are. I hear myself and I wonder if I am sacrificing too much to be at home with you. I live a small life it seems and that is not something I ever imagined for myself. But then you will smile at me, or we will be out at the grocery store and I will catch a glimpse of you and it is like the whole world has stopped. I am left breathless by the amount of love that I have in my heart. Sunny days seem brighter because it means we are going for a long walk together, music is sweeter because you are hearing it and the world is more fascinating because you are discovering it. Finishing a project or getting a paycheck never made me feel such reverence or peace. Before you came into my life I thought it had meaning - I didn't even know the meaning of meaning.

Happy Birthday!

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