Monday, April 21, 2008
Non Sequitur
Having a baby has changed the way I blog. Like those movies where things happen all out of sequence I sit down and write in fits and starts whenever I get a moment. I will start a post only to finish it a week later and it will be finished sooner than the one I started two weeks prior. I simply cannot sit down and devote a chunk of time to any one entry and so, I dabble. I always make sure the date is accurate but beyond that, it's anyone's guess as to when a post might appear live in its completed form. So now that you've been warned you will understand when 8 posts appear at once or why an entry from March might appear in April. It's not pretty, but it's life.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Home
Yesterday I went for a long walk with Paisley. We went to the 2nd hand bookstore where I looked unsuccessfully for Infinite Jest. That book is way too long to get on hold from the library. As I was leaving the store and heading to the coffee shop I smelled something that literally stopped me in my tracks. There were men re-tarring a roof across the street and the sticky hotness of melted tar filled the air. I was immediately back in Fort McMurray in the summer time. I would meet my Dad at the bus stop and he would pick me up and swing me around as soon as he stepped off the Diversified bus that took him and the other men to work and back each day. His clothes, his hair, his hands, all smelled like tar sands from being in the plant all day. It smelled like work and heat and oil and, well, home.
The Fort McMurray that I called home for more than 20 years is gone. It has doubled, nearly tripled, in size since I left and the house I grew up in is occupied by people I don't know. The community is in crisis and is bursting at the seams. The infrastructure is insufficient and the crime rate is high. It is congested, crowded and dingy.
When we were kids growing up in Fort Mac we knew everyone on our street. Almost every person we knew had immigrated from another country. I had friends from England, Africa, Guadalupe, Trinidad, South America, India and of course, Newfoundland. It was safe and small and friendly.
I am envious of people, like Brian, who have their childhood home to go back to. I don't know that they appreciate what they have. My parents and siblings have moved south so there is nobody left to visit. All of my memories are locked up in a city I never visit and a piece of me will always stay there, suspended. I often long to go back and lie in the grass of my backyard or play basketball on the courts outside the junior high. To see people who knew me when I was a kid and bump into old teachers at the mall. While there is something to be said for starting fresh it is nice to encounter your younger self every once and awhile.
Today while walking to Starbucks I had exactly that. A fleeting moment where I was a kid again. When the most exciting part of my day was hearing the bus engine rumble its way down the street and me and my brothers would go flying, barefoot, down to the corner to see our Dad emerge from the folding doors. All the men would saunter down the street and shout their good-byes as they took their children's hands and heading into their homes for dinner.
The Fort McMurray that I called home for more than 20 years is gone. It has doubled, nearly tripled, in size since I left and the house I grew up in is occupied by people I don't know. The community is in crisis and is bursting at the seams. The infrastructure is insufficient and the crime rate is high. It is congested, crowded and dingy.
When we were kids growing up in Fort Mac we knew everyone on our street. Almost every person we knew had immigrated from another country. I had friends from England, Africa, Guadalupe, Trinidad, South America, India and of course, Newfoundland. It was safe and small and friendly.
I am envious of people, like Brian, who have their childhood home to go back to. I don't know that they appreciate what they have. My parents and siblings have moved south so there is nobody left to visit. All of my memories are locked up in a city I never visit and a piece of me will always stay there, suspended. I often long to go back and lie in the grass of my backyard or play basketball on the courts outside the junior high. To see people who knew me when I was a kid and bump into old teachers at the mall. While there is something to be said for starting fresh it is nice to encounter your younger self every once and awhile.
Today while walking to Starbucks I had exactly that. A fleeting moment where I was a kid again. When the most exciting part of my day was hearing the bus engine rumble its way down the street and me and my brothers would go flying, barefoot, down to the corner to see our Dad emerge from the folding doors. All the men would saunter down the street and shout their good-byes as they took their children's hands and heading into their homes for dinner.
Monday, March 31, 2008
To Paisley: Two Months Old
In the past few weeks you have stopped looking like a newborn baby (and let's face it they all sort of look alike) and more like your own person. You are more awake and alert and definitely more vocal. You cry louder and harder than you used to and when Mom or Dad does something particularly annoying like dig around in your nose, you yell at us. It's both alarming and endearing at the same time. I have had this feeling from the very beginning that you were going to be a feisty little girl and this last month has only confirmed that. I feel like I am really starting to get to know you - your needs, what makes you happy, sad and angry. You are only a couple of months old and yet you manage to convey so much in your facial expressions. You make so many cute little faces and your dad and I laugh everyday and fall more and more in love each time.
Co-sleeping seems to be a very contentious subject in the world of parenting. Any mention of it on the internet or in conversations will elicit a strong response, it seems nobody has a neutral opinion about the subject so we've just avoided mentioning it all together. You sleep with us in our bed every night now and it has been going very well. It makes sense to us that you would feel most safe and most loved in between your Mom and Dad. You sleep soundly and you cry less...which means I sleep more soundly, and I cry less. This month you had a little bit of an incident in our bed however. I was lying with you against my chest after a late night feed and we were both falling back asleep...and then you promptly puked all over the bed. I jumped up and picked you up, only in time for you to spit up on the floor as well. I washed you, changed you and went back to the bedroom to assess the mess. In the dark I felt around and quickly realized that the situation was beyond a one-person job so I nudged your father awake to inform him he was sleeping in a pukey bed. He was so good; he turned on the light, took you and spoke to you gently while I stripped the bed and cleaned up. What could have been a bad situation being that we were both tired and were covered in spit-up ended up being one of those little moments I hope I never forget. I looked at your Dad, bed head and all, holding you with one hand and wiping up the mess with the other and I realized how lucky we are. We are not only parents to a beautiful little girl but we are a team.
You love sleeping with us so much that it would make sense that you now bathe with me as well. Rather than stick you in the little plastic tub that you never really liked I have started taking you into the big tub with me. You love floating in the water and seem to enjoy it far more than the other bath. We cuddle and sometimes I feed you in the tub. One day you lay against me, a tummy full of milk with your little feet still in the warm water and you looked up at me with this look on your face, like you were so relaxed you were drunk. You looked exactly the way I felt.
The soother made an entrance into our lives this month and you really love it. We laid a couple of ground rules regarding the soother and so far they remain unbroken. The first rule? It's a soother or a pacifier. We refuse to refer to it as a binky, a dummy or a sucky. Just because we are parents doesn't mean that we have start talking like babies. The other rule is that you don't get it to go to sleep. A few times you've fallen asleep with it in your mouth but once your last feed of the day is done, so is the soother. So far it seems to work and it means that we are not awoken at three in the morning because the thing fell out of your mouth and jarred you awake.
You have had a lot of visitors this month and your dad and I have eaten a lot of dessert! We decided the easiest way to entertain company would be to make dessert. It meant that I wasn't cooking dinner for everyone but that we could still have something to eat with our guests. In one week we had people over six nights out of seven...that's six cakes, pies and squares! We loved showing you off though and people have been so kind and generous. Friends from Brian's school, my work and family have all come to see you and welcome you to the world. You don't know it yet but you are very loved and very lucky. And your dad and I each have some weight to lose.
The most wonderful thing that has happened this month is that you have started to smile. You don't do it often but when you do it is enough to melt my heart. You fully recognize who we are now and will make eye contact for long periods of time. At night I will take you into the nursery and say my hellos before you start to eat and a few times now you have given me a huge gummy grin. It makes me want to cry it is so precious and so cute. So many people have made suggestions and given me advice on how I can nurse in bed and not have to get up with you or encouraged me to make the night feedings very business-like with little interaction. I wouldn't do that for the world. Although you are only two months old I have already realized how quickly this is all going to pass. You are going to grow up and each month you will be a little bigger and a little older until you are no longer nursing in the night. Right now, those moments in the dimly lit nursery, when it is just you and me and sometimes the radio, are the best part of my day. You are warm against my skin and I sing to you and talk to you and stroke your hair while you nurse. The rest of the world disappears and I feel nothing but love and calm. I often think that if the leaders of the world could see you in that moment of peace and vulnerability and get one look at that fleeting but perfect midnight smile, you could stop wars.
Love,
Mama
Co-sleeping seems to be a very contentious subject in the world of parenting. Any mention of it on the internet or in conversations will elicit a strong response, it seems nobody has a neutral opinion about the subject so we've just avoided mentioning it all together. You sleep with us in our bed every night now and it has been going very well. It makes sense to us that you would feel most safe and most loved in between your Mom and Dad. You sleep soundly and you cry less...which means I sleep more soundly, and I cry less. This month you had a little bit of an incident in our bed however. I was lying with you against my chest after a late night feed and we were both falling back asleep...and then you promptly puked all over the bed. I jumped up and picked you up, only in time for you to spit up on the floor as well. I washed you, changed you and went back to the bedroom to assess the mess. In the dark I felt around and quickly realized that the situation was beyond a one-person job so I nudged your father awake to inform him he was sleeping in a pukey bed. He was so good; he turned on the light, took you and spoke to you gently while I stripped the bed and cleaned up. What could have been a bad situation being that we were both tired and were covered in spit-up ended up being one of those little moments I hope I never forget. I looked at your Dad, bed head and all, holding you with one hand and wiping up the mess with the other and I realized how lucky we are. We are not only parents to a beautiful little girl but we are a team.
You love sleeping with us so much that it would make sense that you now bathe with me as well. Rather than stick you in the little plastic tub that you never really liked I have started taking you into the big tub with me. You love floating in the water and seem to enjoy it far more than the other bath. We cuddle and sometimes I feed you in the tub. One day you lay against me, a tummy full of milk with your little feet still in the warm water and you looked up at me with this look on your face, like you were so relaxed you were drunk. You looked exactly the way I felt.
The soother made an entrance into our lives this month and you really love it. We laid a couple of ground rules regarding the soother and so far they remain unbroken. The first rule? It's a soother or a pacifier. We refuse to refer to it as a binky, a dummy or a sucky. Just because we are parents doesn't mean that we have start talking like babies. The other rule is that you don't get it to go to sleep. A few times you've fallen asleep with it in your mouth but once your last feed of the day is done, so is the soother. So far it seems to work and it means that we are not awoken at three in the morning because the thing fell out of your mouth and jarred you awake.
You have had a lot of visitors this month and your dad and I have eaten a lot of dessert! We decided the easiest way to entertain company would be to make dessert. It meant that I wasn't cooking dinner for everyone but that we could still have something to eat with our guests. In one week we had people over six nights out of seven...that's six cakes, pies and squares! We loved showing you off though and people have been so kind and generous. Friends from Brian's school, my work and family have all come to see you and welcome you to the world. You don't know it yet but you are very loved and very lucky. And your dad and I each have some weight to lose.
The most wonderful thing that has happened this month is that you have started to smile. You don't do it often but when you do it is enough to melt my heart. You fully recognize who we are now and will make eye contact for long periods of time. At night I will take you into the nursery and say my hellos before you start to eat and a few times now you have given me a huge gummy grin. It makes me want to cry it is so precious and so cute. So many people have made suggestions and given me advice on how I can nurse in bed and not have to get up with you or encouraged me to make the night feedings very business-like with little interaction. I wouldn't do that for the world. Although you are only two months old I have already realized how quickly this is all going to pass. You are going to grow up and each month you will be a little bigger and a little older until you are no longer nursing in the night. Right now, those moments in the dimly lit nursery, when it is just you and me and sometimes the radio, are the best part of my day. You are warm against my skin and I sing to you and talk to you and stroke your hair while you nurse. The rest of the world disappears and I feel nothing but love and calm. I often think that if the leaders of the world could see you in that moment of peace and vulnerability and get one look at that fleeting but perfect midnight smile, you could stop wars.
Love,
Mama
Monday, March 17, 2008
An open book that no one wants to read...
I think I may have written about this before but I have made a vow to be honest about my experiences of becoming a mother. I hate how so many women sugar coat their lives for the benefit of those around them. Getting engaged can throw you into a tailspin of self-doubt and stress. Being married is fantastic but there are bumps in the road. Being pregnant, while a wonderful experience, also comes with a side order of hemorrhoids, sleepless nights and thighs that touch where they never used to. Being honest about these things does not detract from the experience. It just helps to make others feel less guilty about their own feelings and everyone feel less alone.
So, I have made a point of telling people the truth about how I am adjusting to being at home with Paisley. I love it. It is way better, more interesting and fun than I ever thought it could be. I don't feel exhausted or depressed and I'm not really struggling with the adjustment. Obviously there are days where I feel frustrated because I can't get things done or overwhelmed by everything but these moments tend to be short and fleeting. My recovery from surgery has been quick and I have not been crippled like I was told to expect. The experience so far has been wonderful and I am feeling happy and positive.
People don't really want to hear that. Nobody believes me when I tell them things are good! After all this effort to be truthful and open about how I feel I am constantly being lumped in with all the uber-positive fakers out there. It's a little ironic that by being genuinely happy I have left some people feeling annoyed that I can't just be honest.
What's a girl to do?
So, I have made a point of telling people the truth about how I am adjusting to being at home with Paisley. I love it. It is way better, more interesting and fun than I ever thought it could be. I don't feel exhausted or depressed and I'm not really struggling with the adjustment. Obviously there are days where I feel frustrated because I can't get things done or overwhelmed by everything but these moments tend to be short and fleeting. My recovery from surgery has been quick and I have not been crippled like I was told to expect. The experience so far has been wonderful and I am feeling happy and positive.
People don't really want to hear that. Nobody believes me when I tell them things are good! After all this effort to be truthful and open about how I feel I am constantly being lumped in with all the uber-positive fakers out there. It's a little ironic that by being genuinely happy I have left some people feeling annoyed that I can't just be honest.
What's a girl to do?
Monday, March 10, 2008
Formula One
I think I may just have the only doctor in the world who does not support breastfeeding. Most doctors (along with, oh I don't know, the Pediatric Associations and the World Health Organization) encourage women to breastfeed, if possible, for as long as they can. I took Paisley to the doctor today (9lbs!) and this is what I was told:
"Sometimes babies just don't like to nurse."
"Breastfeeding can very boring for babies...just imagine, the same thing for breakfast, lunch and supper!"
"Don't worry about giving formula - it's practically as good as breast milk these days."
"Breastfeeding makes you feel like a cow."
And so on. Now, I can see why she might say these things if I had decided not to nurse and needed some positive feedback to assuage me of my guilt but I am nursing and it's going really well. So why would you try and convince a successfully breastfeeding mother to move to formula after one month? Because she stopped breastfeeding at one month. If I've learned anything about the world of motherhood it's that women have this weird desire to convince others that what they did was the right thing. Women who don't nurse feel guilty and so they tend to oversell the benefits of formula. Women who breastfed exclusively tend to judge those who didn't. It's too bad. I feel like I have made a choice that works for me and if and when it stops working for me I will reevaluate. I completely understand why some women cannot or choose not to breastfeed and it's okay with me. After all, it's not my baby they're feeding and who am I to judge?
Women. If we could all just be a little nicer to one another this world would be a kinder place.
"Sometimes babies just don't like to nurse."
"Breastfeeding can very boring for babies...just imagine, the same thing for breakfast, lunch and supper!"
"Don't worry about giving formula - it's practically as good as breast milk these days."
"Breastfeeding makes you feel like a cow."
And so on. Now, I can see why she might say these things if I had decided not to nurse and needed some positive feedback to assuage me of my guilt but I am nursing and it's going really well. So why would you try and convince a successfully breastfeeding mother to move to formula after one month? Because she stopped breastfeeding at one month. If I've learned anything about the world of motherhood it's that women have this weird desire to convince others that what they did was the right thing. Women who don't nurse feel guilty and so they tend to oversell the benefits of formula. Women who breastfed exclusively tend to judge those who didn't. It's too bad. I feel like I have made a choice that works for me and if and when it stops working for me I will reevaluate. I completely understand why some women cannot or choose not to breastfeed and it's okay with me. After all, it's not my baby they're feeding and who am I to judge?
Women. If we could all just be a little nicer to one another this world would be a kinder place.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
A Book Suggestion
Books are normally something I deal with on my other blog but every once and awhile there is a book good enough to straddle the line between sites. This is one of those books:
The Street of a Thousand Blossoms by Gail Tsukiyama
Seriously - so good. It's the story of a family in Japan and it spans the time before the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and extends into the 80's. It's just one of those books like The Corrections that tells a simple story about people's lives and leaves you feeling lonely for your new found friends when you close the back cover.
It is beautifully written, poignant, profound, inspiring and personal. I have never read Tsukiyama before but I will certainly read her again.
The Street of a Thousand Blossoms by Gail Tsukiyama
Seriously - so good. It's the story of a family in Japan and it spans the time before the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and extends into the 80's. It's just one of those books like The Corrections that tells a simple story about people's lives and leaves you feeling lonely for your new found friends when you close the back cover.
It is beautifully written, poignant, profound, inspiring and personal. I have never read Tsukiyama before but I will certainly read her again.
Friday, February 29, 2008
To Paisley: One Month Old
Today is your due date and it's hard to believe that you have already been here for a month. People told me while I was still pregnant that once you arrived we would have a hard time remembering what our life was like before you existed. In some ways that is true but there other days, quick moments, where I look at you in your bassinet or hear you cry and I am still caught a little off guard. A new person who belongs to you, is part of you, is sometimes too much to really grasp.
This month has easily been the most monumental of my life. From the moment they passed you to me and your Dad and I looked into your eyes, to that first night in the hospital when they brought you in at 2 am and I was still doped up and exhausted and thought you were mentally handicapped because you couldn't keep your eyes straight - you have changed me. I had heard so often that it takes days, even months for women to bond with their babies and that it was a myth that it happened immediately. So, I was prepared to feel somewhat apathetic when I first held you. Paisley, I loved you the second I first saw you and felt such a strong desire to protect you and keep you safe that I thought my heart was going to explode.
Before I had you I liked to sleep - a lot. I was always someone who needed eight hours and if I was tired enough I would cry, get angry and if push came to shove, I would have quit a job rather than go into a work with no sleep. Now, I wake up every two hours to feed you and believe it or not, it is a joy. I feel grumpy when I first hear you cry but by the time I have you in my arms and I am looking down at your little face I am cooing and smiling and genuinely happy to see you. I've never been happy to see anyone at 4:00 in the morning. We go into the nursery and I feed you while I sing you songs. I have developed an impressive repertoire of children's songs and when I run out I resort to reading you magazine articles in a sing-song voice. I figure I've got some time before you understand what I'm actually saying. It feels good to know that I am feeding you and my singing seems to calm you but it also calms me. Being your Mom has taught me patience and a gentleness that I've never really had to tap into before.
You and I hang out during the day and as I walk around the house trying to get odds and ends done I narrate. "Mommy is going to have some cereal isn't she? Yes, she is." It feels a bit funny sometimes but it makes sense to talk to you and hearing my voice makes you happy. You'll probably grow up to be that annoying kid who always speaks in the third person but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
This month has held many firsts for you. You had your first bath and although you didn't really like it you tried to be cooperative. You have started making eye contact and we can tell that you know who we are and that you at least like us. You make little elephant sounds now and I think it's your way of trying on this new voice that you've only just discovered. You reached 8 lbs this month and we were so chuffed that you were growing well and were healthy. You slept in your bed for the first time and you slept in our bed for the first time and I can tell you that it didn't take you long to determine which you preferred. As soon as you lie down next to your Mom or Dad and are cuddled up between us you fall into a deep sleep. And so do we because it feels so good and so right to be a family.
Having a baby makes you think a lot about your own life and who you are as a person. Having you has made me want to be better, to set goals for myself and achieve them because I know that you will be watching. It has made me more determined to be the person I have always wanted to be because suddenly, all the things I do or don't do, they really matter.
I think you and I are going to be good friends and I am excited for all the things ahead of us. This world has so many wonderful things to offer and we each have a lot of growing to do.
Love,
Mama
This month has easily been the most monumental of my life. From the moment they passed you to me and your Dad and I looked into your eyes, to that first night in the hospital when they brought you in at 2 am and I was still doped up and exhausted and thought you were mentally handicapped because you couldn't keep your eyes straight - you have changed me. I had heard so often that it takes days, even months for women to bond with their babies and that it was a myth that it happened immediately. So, I was prepared to feel somewhat apathetic when I first held you. Paisley, I loved you the second I first saw you and felt such a strong desire to protect you and keep you safe that I thought my heart was going to explode.
Before I had you I liked to sleep - a lot. I was always someone who needed eight hours and if I was tired enough I would cry, get angry and if push came to shove, I would have quit a job rather than go into a work with no sleep. Now, I wake up every two hours to feed you and believe it or not, it is a joy. I feel grumpy when I first hear you cry but by the time I have you in my arms and I am looking down at your little face I am cooing and smiling and genuinely happy to see you. I've never been happy to see anyone at 4:00 in the morning. We go into the nursery and I feed you while I sing you songs. I have developed an impressive repertoire of children's songs and when I run out I resort to reading you magazine articles in a sing-song voice. I figure I've got some time before you understand what I'm actually saying. It feels good to know that I am feeding you and my singing seems to calm you but it also calms me. Being your Mom has taught me patience and a gentleness that I've never really had to tap into before.
You and I hang out during the day and as I walk around the house trying to get odds and ends done I narrate. "Mommy is going to have some cereal isn't she? Yes, she is." It feels a bit funny sometimes but it makes sense to talk to you and hearing my voice makes you happy. You'll probably grow up to be that annoying kid who always speaks in the third person but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
This month has held many firsts for you. You had your first bath and although you didn't really like it you tried to be cooperative. You have started making eye contact and we can tell that you know who we are and that you at least like us. You make little elephant sounds now and I think it's your way of trying on this new voice that you've only just discovered. You reached 8 lbs this month and we were so chuffed that you were growing well and were healthy. You slept in your bed for the first time and you slept in our bed for the first time and I can tell you that it didn't take you long to determine which you preferred. As soon as you lie down next to your Mom or Dad and are cuddled up between us you fall into a deep sleep. And so do we because it feels so good and so right to be a family.
Having a baby makes you think a lot about your own life and who you are as a person. Having you has made me want to be better, to set goals for myself and achieve them because I know that you will be watching. It has made me more determined to be the person I have always wanted to be because suddenly, all the things I do or don't do, they really matter.
I think you and I are going to be good friends and I am excited for all the things ahead of us. This world has so many wonderful things to offer and we each have a lot of growing to do.
Love,
Mama
Friday, February 15, 2008
Sucky...
I feel like I am usually a positive person but this will not be a positive post. Today was my 30th birthday and it sort of sucked. I was home alone with Paisley for most of the morning and tonight I am too tired to really do much of anything. None of my clothes fit properly and I feel fat and ugly and old. I also happen to feel like a dairy cow these days. There aren't any big celebrations and I can't really have a drink and my facebook account was hacked into. If some robot wants me to post "pimp-ass ring tones" on the walls of every person I know, did it really have to be done on my birthday?
Your 30th birthday is a big one. I had always promised myself that I would so something really BIG for this birthday. For Brian's 30th we climbed Fuji. I wanted to be either in a plane going somewhere spectacular or jumping out of a plane. I don't want to sound too pissy because I do realize that having a baby is pretty big and that Paisley is the best birthday present I could have ever asked for - I get that. But she doesn't come in wrapping paper and she isn't an activity that has made me feel young and cool like I needed to.
I am fully aware that how I am feeling is largely due to hormones and having been in my house for two weeks straight. That is why I am going to pretend today didn't happen and focus on tomorrow. Tomorrow will be good. My brothers are coming from Edmonton to meet the baby and we are having a small birthday celebration at my parents house. I will be surrounded by the people I love and who love me, and I will feel better I'm sure. And I'll be just as 30 as I am today.
Your 30th birthday is a big one. I had always promised myself that I would so something really BIG for this birthday. For Brian's 30th we climbed Fuji. I wanted to be either in a plane going somewhere spectacular or jumping out of a plane. I don't want to sound too pissy because I do realize that having a baby is pretty big and that Paisley is the best birthday present I could have ever asked for - I get that. But she doesn't come in wrapping paper and she isn't an activity that has made me feel young and cool like I needed to.
I am fully aware that how I am feeling is largely due to hormones and having been in my house for two weeks straight. That is why I am going to pretend today didn't happen and focus on tomorrow. Tomorrow will be good. My brothers are coming from Edmonton to meet the baby and we are having a small birthday celebration at my parents house. I will be surrounded by the people I love and who love me, and I will feel better I'm sure. And I'll be just as 30 as I am today.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Intervals
As a diabetic I have lived the last year of my life in 2-hour intervals. I always have to know what time I ate, how many units of insulin I took and then test my sugars two hours after each meal. My life with Paisley is lived in increments of 3 to 3.5 hours. She feeds every 3 hours roughly which takes about 40 minutes. I used to take my "bedtime" insulin before I went to sleep and then test in the morning when I woke up. Since day and night are indistinguishable from one another and I no longer have a bedtime or a wake up time the whole exercise has become a bit of a farce. At night I sleep for two hours between feeds and during the day I try to get little things done (like a load of laundry or a shower) between feedings. I have found it incredibly difficult to balance both schedules and have found myself missing meals, eating dinner at 11:00 at night and sleeping through countless blood sugar readings. While being a new Mom is going very well, being a diabetic Mom is harder than I thought it would be.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
How Things Have Changed...
It is a cliché to say that life after a baby will never be the same, but after knowing
I now understand how my parents must have felt when they first met me. I always knew they loved me but I never really understood how much until now…
I now understand why people steal the children they cannot access and how painful it must be to not be able to see your child whenever you want…
I can sympathize with those crazy Christians who want to protect their children from the evils of the world. While our definition of evil may differ I can understand how you would not want such purity and innocence to be exposed to the realities of today’s world…
I love Brian more than anything but I have never before experienced such a deep, selfless love. She is reliant on me for life and I have never before been so important and so humbled all at once…
Hours can be spent just watching her, she is so perfect and with every little twitch of her mouth or gurgle, I fall even more in love…
I looked at
I feel more vulnerable than I ever have. I have always felt things strongly and I have come to realize that without knowing or without meaning to, this baby is going to break my heart.
One week in and I am already lost in her. She has become the centre of our family and the joy in my world. Just wait until she can actually do something.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Paisley Elizabeth Knox West
On January 31st at 1:44pm I became a Mom to the most perfect little girl I have ever seen. She was early and so unexpected that I refused to believe I was in contractions for at least five hours but she came anyway and I couldn't be happier.
I went into labour on the afternoon of January 30th. I was so tired all day and getting increasingly mad at myself for being so lazy when there was so much to be done. By the time Brian arrived home from afternoon classes I was in agony but insisted that it was probably just bad gas. I sent him to the store to secure some relief and only after that didn't work and the pain intensified to what surely would have been the worst gas in human history, I demanded to be taken to the hospital. We packed the hospital bags that we had been meaning to pack for weeks and headed to the hospital (where a part of me was still sure they would tell me it was a false alarm). They checked me out and sure enough, I was having contractions and was dilated 3cm.
Labour is a normal (and very useful) part of having a baby but when said baby is breech and has her head tucked neatly under your ribs instead of in your pelvis, it raises some major concerns. They tried to stop the labour by giving me morphine (Hallelujah!) and while that worked to slow things down they were still progressing. The Doctors were really torn about whether or not to c-section right away...I, on the other hand, was not. Brian and I repeatedly asked the doctors to proceed since I was probably going to be sectioned within the next 2 weeks anyway and I had already been in labour for 12 hours. They eventually concluded that they had no choice and assured us we would be next in line for the operating room.
We waited another agonizing 4 or 5 hours after that due to an emergency twin c-section and while I wandered in and out of my morphine haze, Brian managed to sleep for a few presumably uncomfortable hours on the hospital room floor. Soon enough they brought Brian his booties and surgical hat and we were rolled into the delivery room. The whole procedure didn't last longer than half an hour. At the point at which the doctors grabbed the baby's feet and started to pull her out Brian was invited to stand up and look over the drape. I will never forget the look of wonder on his face and the tears that started to well up as soon as he saw his little girl. We were both crying and when I heard her cry and knew that everything was okay, I completely lost it. They cleaned her up and handed her to Brian who took her to me and the two of us held our baby together for the first time. Words cannot describe how that felt - to know that this new little person was half of me and half of him and that we were embarking on this new journey together was without a doubt the biggest moment of my life.
The baby was originally named Hannah after my Grandma who passed away last year. Grandma was my best friend and a huge influence in my life and so I wanted to honour her by giving my baby girl her name. After calling her Hannah for a couple of days though it just didn't seem to fit. The name Hannah will always make me think of my Grandma and the more I thought about it the more I realized that this new baby was a new person and deserved her own name. My Grandma was one of the most interesting, funny and special people I have ever known and I thought it best to leave the name with her. It was hard to call my Mom and tell her that we had changed her mind but as always she was very understanding and she made me feel much better when she said "Grandma would have killed herself laughing about this!" and she's right. That the way Hannah was.
Paisley is the name of the Scottish town where my Grandma is from. My great-grandma lived there, my grandparents were married there and I was baptized there so it has a lot of significance for me. Not to mention that Brian and I loved the name and as it turns out, she looks like a Paisley.
Because of my diabetes Paisley had some struggles in the hospital with her blood sugars. The first two days were long as we struggled to get 3 good sugar levels in a row. Each test required a heel poke which hurt her and Brian was getting increasingly frustrated (and protective) with every poke. Each time we got a bad sugar we would have to start back at square one. Eventually though we did get it and her little pancreas woke up and realized it was on its own. She had some jaundice as well which necessitated another 24 hours in the hospital. It was long but she was a tough little cookie and we came home yesterday afternoon - 5 days since Brian and I first arrived in the maternity ward.
I can't believe how quickly we have fallen in love with her and how it almost feels as though she was always here. For 29 years I lived without her, and now that she's here, it sort of all feels like a blur. It could be hormones or a severe lack of sleep but it's just as likely that sometime between January 30th and today, I have truly become a Mom.
I went into labour on the afternoon of January 30th. I was so tired all day and getting increasingly mad at myself for being so lazy when there was so much to be done. By the time Brian arrived home from afternoon classes I was in agony but insisted that it was probably just bad gas. I sent him to the store to secure some relief and only after that didn't work and the pain intensified to what surely would have been the worst gas in human history, I demanded to be taken to the hospital. We packed the hospital bags that we had been meaning to pack for weeks and headed to the hospital (where a part of me was still sure they would tell me it was a false alarm). They checked me out and sure enough, I was having contractions and was dilated 3cm.
Labour is a normal (and very useful) part of having a baby but when said baby is breech and has her head tucked neatly under your ribs instead of in your pelvis, it raises some major concerns. They tried to stop the labour by giving me morphine (Hallelujah!) and while that worked to slow things down they were still progressing. The Doctors were really torn about whether or not to c-section right away...I, on the other hand, was not. Brian and I repeatedly asked the doctors to proceed since I was probably going to be sectioned within the next 2 weeks anyway and I had already been in labour for 12 hours. They eventually concluded that they had no choice and assured us we would be next in line for the operating room.
We waited another agonizing 4 or 5 hours after that due to an emergency twin c-section and while I wandered in and out of my morphine haze, Brian managed to sleep for a few presumably uncomfortable hours on the hospital room floor. Soon enough they brought Brian his booties and surgical hat and we were rolled into the delivery room. The whole procedure didn't last longer than half an hour. At the point at which the doctors grabbed the baby's feet and started to pull her out Brian was invited to stand up and look over the drape. I will never forget the look of wonder on his face and the tears that started to well up as soon as he saw his little girl. We were both crying and when I heard her cry and knew that everything was okay, I completely lost it. They cleaned her up and handed her to Brian who took her to me and the two of us held our baby together for the first time. Words cannot describe how that felt - to know that this new little person was half of me and half of him and that we were embarking on this new journey together was without a doubt the biggest moment of my life.
The baby was originally named Hannah after my Grandma who passed away last year. Grandma was my best friend and a huge influence in my life and so I wanted to honour her by giving my baby girl her name. After calling her Hannah for a couple of days though it just didn't seem to fit. The name Hannah will always make me think of my Grandma and the more I thought about it the more I realized that this new baby was a new person and deserved her own name. My Grandma was one of the most interesting, funny and special people I have ever known and I thought it best to leave the name with her. It was hard to call my Mom and tell her that we had changed her mind but as always she was very understanding and she made me feel much better when she said "Grandma would have killed herself laughing about this!" and she's right. That the way Hannah was.
Paisley is the name of the Scottish town where my Grandma is from. My great-grandma lived there, my grandparents were married there and I was baptized there so it has a lot of significance for me. Not to mention that Brian and I loved the name and as it turns out, she looks like a Paisley.
Because of my diabetes Paisley had some struggles in the hospital with her blood sugars. The first two days were long as we struggled to get 3 good sugar levels in a row. Each test required a heel poke which hurt her and Brian was getting increasingly frustrated (and protective) with every poke. Each time we got a bad sugar we would have to start back at square one. Eventually though we did get it and her little pancreas woke up and realized it was on its own. She had some jaundice as well which necessitated another 24 hours in the hospital. It was long but she was a tough little cookie and we came home yesterday afternoon - 5 days since Brian and I first arrived in the maternity ward.
I can't believe how quickly we have fallen in love with her and how it almost feels as though she was always here. For 29 years I lived without her, and now that she's here, it sort of all feels like a blur. It could be hormones or a severe lack of sleep but it's just as likely that sometime between January 30th and today, I have truly become a Mom.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Simple
My New Eco-Friendly Shoes:
How cool is that? New shoes that are good for the environment...and people thought sliced bread was a good invention.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Time Together
This journey through pregnancy has been full of emotions; highs and lows and jig jags and admittedly a few side trips to crazy land. The only map one really has is the knowledge that millions of women have been there before you. The biggest problem is realizing that half of the women's advice is crucial and the other half is completely bogus and that it's up to you to discern what is what.
As I near the end of this journey I am finding myself overwhelmed with different emotions and some of them reside for too short of a time for me to even grasp that they've been. I am excited to meet this little person who insists on kicking me and tucking her head under my ribcage for so much of the day. I am scared of the changes she will bring with her. I have always valued my time with Brian above almost all else and I'll admit that there have been times where I have been envious of women who seem not to care if their husbands work 80 hours a week. I miss him when he's gone and there is no one else I would rather spend my time with...it's why I married him. I'm scared to lose that time and although I know we will only be gaining another member of the "team" it won't be the same. Maybe it will be better, but it won't be the same.
I am anxious about the unknown world I am about to leap into. Diapers, teething, drooling, breastfeeding...an entirely different world from the one in which I now reside. I know that with those things come joy, laughter, wonder and a love so deep I most likely have never experienced anything like it thus far. I know that at some point this baby is going to grab on to my heart so tightly that I will be forever changed and all of my priorities will be rearranged. I know that most of this will happen to me and I will have very little control in the process.
I look forward to Brian, Baby and I going to the park...a family. I am excited to see Brian be a Dad and lift his little girl onto his shoulders and throw her in the air, always catching her, just right. I can't wait for the cold, winter nights when Baby is bathed and still damp and put to bed. Where we read her a story, the light is amber in the room and she falls asleep to the sound of our voices. I see these things and I can't help but feel like my heart just boarded a run away train that won't ever stop.
My body is tired at this point and stretched to its limits, quite literally. I cannot sleep and I am never comfortable and I haven't seen my toes in months. But, when I lie in bed and she kicks inside me, doing tumbling acts that I can only imagine, I smile and take a moment to appreciate the wonder of it all. That our baby is safe and happy in her mother's womb and that she has no idea of all the things coming her away. I guess it reminds me that above all else, her and her parents, we are in this thing together.
As I near the end of this journey I am finding myself overwhelmed with different emotions and some of them reside for too short of a time for me to even grasp that they've been. I am excited to meet this little person who insists on kicking me and tucking her head under my ribcage for so much of the day. I am scared of the changes she will bring with her. I have always valued my time with Brian above almost all else and I'll admit that there have been times where I have been envious of women who seem not to care if their husbands work 80 hours a week. I miss him when he's gone and there is no one else I would rather spend my time with...it's why I married him. I'm scared to lose that time and although I know we will only be gaining another member of the "team" it won't be the same. Maybe it will be better, but it won't be the same.
I am anxious about the unknown world I am about to leap into. Diapers, teething, drooling, breastfeeding...an entirely different world from the one in which I now reside. I know that with those things come joy, laughter, wonder and a love so deep I most likely have never experienced anything like it thus far. I know that at some point this baby is going to grab on to my heart so tightly that I will be forever changed and all of my priorities will be rearranged. I know that most of this will happen to me and I will have very little control in the process.
I look forward to Brian, Baby and I going to the park...a family. I am excited to see Brian be a Dad and lift his little girl onto his shoulders and throw her in the air, always catching her, just right. I can't wait for the cold, winter nights when Baby is bathed and still damp and put to bed. Where we read her a story, the light is amber in the room and she falls asleep to the sound of our voices. I see these things and I can't help but feel like my heart just boarded a run away train that won't ever stop.
My body is tired at this point and stretched to its limits, quite literally. I cannot sleep and I am never comfortable and I haven't seen my toes in months. But, when I lie in bed and she kicks inside me, doing tumbling acts that I can only imagine, I smile and take a moment to appreciate the wonder of it all. That our baby is safe and happy in her mother's womb and that she has no idea of all the things coming her away. I guess it reminds me that above all else, her and her parents, we are in this thing together.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Absinthe Without Leave
I think getting used to this maternity leave thing is going to be a little harder than I thought. At first I was all like, "Wow! Weeks and weeks of free time to do what I want, when I want?! Wahoo!" I had a long list of things to do, from working on my new website and writing more to cleaning every nook and cranny of my house with a toothbrush. Some of the things on my list have been accomplished, other things obviously have not.
I suppose it's a matter of figuring out what my life is going to look like as I fumble along. I have always done well with a schedule and some consistency. I don't need a ton of routine but I need some. Getting to bed and getting up at roughly the same time every day makes me function better and that is certainly not happening. My nights are a blur of Braxton-Hicks contractions, being kicked from the inside, frequent (i.e. hourly) trips to the bathroom and a lot of tossing and turning. This means I usually end up sleeping for a few hours in the day which inevitably makes me feel lazy and unproductive and I am very hard on myself. At some level I know that there is no point in working on a routine anyway since any day now it will be thrown upside down and inside out. I suppose it also doesn't help that I have no idea when I am going to have this baby...tonight after dinner? During Hockey Night in Canada next weekend? Weeks and weeks from now? I have a friend who is so afraid that I'll go into labour when I'm with him that he honestly won't meet me for lunch or coffee unless it's at one of the hospitals. My life, at least for the next few weeks, is out of my control.
Yesterday I cleaned like a mad woman...which felt great. The bedroom looked better than it had in years and I knew that if I could keep things going at that rate I'd have the whole house in perfect condition by the weekend. Fast forward to about 9:00 last night when my hips seized up and the pain in my lower back was enough to make me wince with every step. I couldn't sit, or stand, or lie down without going into spasms and I knew (mostly because Brian was standing over me telling me so) that I had pushed myself too far. But it felt so good! So today I did practically nothing except berate myself with my inner mean voice and bemoan my unpainted toes, my growing belly, my hairy legs and the fact that none of my maternity clothes even fit me any more. Basically I threw myself a pity party but didn't even get junk food because I hurt too much to go to the store.
So...what does tomorrow bring? If all goes according to plan, balance. A little bit of work and a little bit of relaxing should allow me to keep up the momentum on the house without killing myself and also hopefully give me some down time to work on my less physically taxing projects (like learning Spanish). That's the plan anyway...but for all I know I could get hit by a bus, or better yet, have to push a baby out of my vagina.
I suppose it's a matter of figuring out what my life is going to look like as I fumble along. I have always done well with a schedule and some consistency. I don't need a ton of routine but I need some. Getting to bed and getting up at roughly the same time every day makes me function better and that is certainly not happening. My nights are a blur of Braxton-Hicks contractions, being kicked from the inside, frequent (i.e. hourly) trips to the bathroom and a lot of tossing and turning. This means I usually end up sleeping for a few hours in the day which inevitably makes me feel lazy and unproductive and I am very hard on myself. At some level I know that there is no point in working on a routine anyway since any day now it will be thrown upside down and inside out. I suppose it also doesn't help that I have no idea when I am going to have this baby...tonight after dinner? During Hockey Night in Canada next weekend? Weeks and weeks from now? I have a friend who is so afraid that I'll go into labour when I'm with him that he honestly won't meet me for lunch or coffee unless it's at one of the hospitals. My life, at least for the next few weeks, is out of my control.
Yesterday I cleaned like a mad woman...which felt great. The bedroom looked better than it had in years and I knew that if I could keep things going at that rate I'd have the whole house in perfect condition by the weekend. Fast forward to about 9:00 last night when my hips seized up and the pain in my lower back was enough to make me wince with every step. I couldn't sit, or stand, or lie down without going into spasms and I knew (mostly because Brian was standing over me telling me so) that I had pushed myself too far. But it felt so good! So today I did practically nothing except berate myself with my inner mean voice and bemoan my unpainted toes, my growing belly, my hairy legs and the fact that none of my maternity clothes even fit me any more. Basically I threw myself a pity party but didn't even get junk food because I hurt too much to go to the store.
So...what does tomorrow bring? If all goes according to plan, balance. A little bit of work and a little bit of relaxing should allow me to keep up the momentum on the house without killing myself and also hopefully give me some down time to work on my less physically taxing projects (like learning Spanish). That's the plan anyway...but for all I know I could get hit by a bus, or better yet, have to push a baby out of my vagina.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Mooooo!
So there I was this morning, tummy full of French toast and happily writing an email when I noticed a little wet spot on my shirt. No big deal, I probably just spilled something...except I'm not drinking anything.
And then I realized that the spot was located directly over my boob and that it was coming from me. Reality came crashing down very quickly as the puzzle pieces fell in place. My body is no longer mine and my life will never be the same. I am making milk.
And then I realized that the spot was located directly over my boob and that it was coming from me. Reality came crashing down very quickly as the puzzle pieces fell in place. My body is no longer mine and my life will never be the same. I am making milk.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Move Baby Move
This baby is breech and despite my best efforts to roll and move and twist her into place, she's not moving. It's like she's stuck with her head under my ribcage. If she stays this way I will have to have a c-section and her head will have taken on the shape of, well, my ribs I suppose.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Winter Showers
Yesterday we watched the birthing video and practiced labour positions at our prenatal class. It was weird and scary and made everything seem very real and increasingly closer to actually happening. Gulp.
I also had my baby shower yesterday at work and loved every minute of it. I never really thought I would have a baby shower since I don't have any friends who know each other and those that do know each other are all guys. (Although they did offer me a shower...complete with strippers.) The ladies at work were very generous and it felt nice to be surrounded by people I know very well and care about and know that they are excited for me and to meet the baby.
Did you know that Tim Horton's now makes hash browns? It's about freggin time.
I also had my baby shower yesterday at work and loved every minute of it. I never really thought I would have a baby shower since I don't have any friends who know each other and those that do know each other are all guys. (Although they did offer me a shower...complete with strippers.) The ladies at work were very generous and it felt nice to be surrounded by people I know very well and care about and know that they are excited for me and to meet the baby.
Did you know that Tim Horton's now makes hash browns? It's about freggin time.
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