I have always had an intense and complicated relationship with the written word. At times, it has been my saviour, at others, an instrument of self-loathing. It tempts me, promises redemption and mocks me. It warms me, gives me purpose but often leaves me feeling vulnerable and unsatisfied. It has always been a part of who I am but I have to admit that it is a part that I have not always been quick to embrace. I have kept it at arms distance by either not writing at all or protecting myself from writing too much. I have dreamed of being a writer and at the same time, hidden any real writing away from any eyes but my own. The best writing I have done has been when I am down, restless and moody. Happy days do not invoke the written word.
I promised myself that this year would be different. I would let my writing go where it wanted; I would follow wherever it led me. I feel stronger than I ever had and more able to balance my life and my own mind. I have been writing everyday...poems, short stories, essays, scribblings. I have written dialogue, which is something I have always struggled with, and it has been good. I am enjoying it and surprising myself with what I can do. I am getting better and although I still cringe every time I read over what I have written and still feel like each word leaves my very being exposed and rotting in the open air, I am happy.
And I got a job today as a writer for a marketing and communications firm. Which means I am not just working at home, I am working from home. I like that. It justifies the Banana Republic dress I bought last week and allows for a whole new line in our family budget: Work Clothes.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Personal Inquisition
Neo-atheism, as it is increasingly called, tends to be loud, militant and, one could argue, even dogmatic. I have struggled with this version of atheism and with how my own beliefs and value fit within the community. When I first left the Catholic church (an act that required me to just stop going, as opposed to say, the Mormon Church which requires a letter and a formal resignation) and became an atheist I was more militant than I am now. I was quicker to dismiss believers, quicker to challenge people and their ideas. Now I am more willing to let things go and avoid the debate because I know that the likelihood of me actually changing any one's mind is near zero.
Having said that, I completely understand how angry and frustrated people like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens must feel. When you see things around you that are completely wrong or immoral and the people doing them are using religion as a defense, it is hard to stomach. (While both Dawkins and Hitchens take issue with all religion, they share a particular dislike of fanatical religions and admit that some believers are neutral, even benevolent, in their approach to religion.) As a preeminent evolutionary biologist, Dawkins must want to rip his own hair out when the very existence of evolution and its principles are challenged by some grade 5 science teacher. It would be like someone coming to me and saying "I don't believe in diabetes." What do you mean you don't believe in diabetes? It's a fact. I have it. Would you like to see my blood tests, blood-sugar readings, and doctors reports? "That stuff doesn't matter. I don't believe in it." The only thing worse would be if hundreds of thousands of other people didn't believe in my diabetes and were teaching their kids not to believe in it either.
Anyway, back to my point.
I sympathize with the way these atheists feel and with the vigour with which they attack religion. I do not believe that religion is a positive thing. I think it has been, and continues to be, bad for the world and for people's individual lives. I think it limits creativity, kindness, cooperation and growth. I think it stifles individualism and feminism and dampens the human spirit. I would love my daughter to grow up in a world without religion, where science and reason are valued above superstition and faith. But I also want her to grow up in a world where people are free to believe what they want.
Therein lies the rub.
Dogmatic atheism, while understandable, risks falling into the same category as the religions it vilifies. If people are to accept atheism as a morally sound and enticing way of life, it will come by honey, not by vinegar. The acceptance we are looking for will come from gentle conversations, respect and people seeing that there is another viable option.
I suppose both approaches serve a purpose and perhaps there is room for both in the atheism movement. We want the same thing and I have to credit both Dawkins and Hitchens for bringing the debate into the public and selling SO MANY books. I love both of them and think they are incredibly intelligent, persuasive, comical and convincing, even if they are a little condescending. I guess if your job title includes the word "intellectual" or "thinker" you're probably entitled to be a little condescending.
I am still struggling with how to approach this in my own life. I do not want to be silent when I hear people say stupid things ("We're fasting for rain this week" for example. I mean, there's a test you can't fail. Only one thing will end a drought: rain. You'll get it eventually...) but I don't want to be rude either. I recognize how hated atheists are and I know the only way to change that is to speak out and be proud, and like the gay movement, ensure that everyone I know knows they know an atheist. (Did you like that sentence?) I don't want to stand by and condone faulty ideas with my silence but I also don't want to be confrontational. Although it is perfectly socially acceptable to talk about Jesus or angels or church, it is not yet acceptable to deny Jesus existed or balk at the idea of your little girl being called an angel on the grounds that she clearly exists. But we'll never get there if someone doesn't start doing these things.
When you feel so strongly about something it is hard to be quiet and just be. I suppose that's what got religion going in the first place. The question that remains to be answered is, with the neo-atheists leading the next Crusades, whether I'll be taking up arms or locking my door.
Having said that, I completely understand how angry and frustrated people like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens must feel. When you see things around you that are completely wrong or immoral and the people doing them are using religion as a defense, it is hard to stomach. (While both Dawkins and Hitchens take issue with all religion, they share a particular dislike of fanatical religions and admit that some believers are neutral, even benevolent, in their approach to religion.) As a preeminent evolutionary biologist, Dawkins must want to rip his own hair out when the very existence of evolution and its principles are challenged by some grade 5 science teacher. It would be like someone coming to me and saying "I don't believe in diabetes." What do you mean you don't believe in diabetes? It's a fact. I have it. Would you like to see my blood tests, blood-sugar readings, and doctors reports? "That stuff doesn't matter. I don't believe in it." The only thing worse would be if hundreds of thousands of other people didn't believe in my diabetes and were teaching their kids not to believe in it either.
Anyway, back to my point.
I sympathize with the way these atheists feel and with the vigour with which they attack religion. I do not believe that religion is a positive thing. I think it has been, and continues to be, bad for the world and for people's individual lives. I think it limits creativity, kindness, cooperation and growth. I think it stifles individualism and feminism and dampens the human spirit. I would love my daughter to grow up in a world without religion, where science and reason are valued above superstition and faith. But I also want her to grow up in a world where people are free to believe what they want.
Therein lies the rub.
Dogmatic atheism, while understandable, risks falling into the same category as the religions it vilifies. If people are to accept atheism as a morally sound and enticing way of life, it will come by honey, not by vinegar. The acceptance we are looking for will come from gentle conversations, respect and people seeing that there is another viable option.
I suppose both approaches serve a purpose and perhaps there is room for both in the atheism movement. We want the same thing and I have to credit both Dawkins and Hitchens for bringing the debate into the public and selling SO MANY books. I love both of them and think they are incredibly intelligent, persuasive, comical and convincing, even if they are a little condescending. I guess if your job title includes the word "intellectual" or "thinker" you're probably entitled to be a little condescending.
I am still struggling with how to approach this in my own life. I do not want to be silent when I hear people say stupid things ("We're fasting for rain this week" for example. I mean, there's a test you can't fail. Only one thing will end a drought: rain. You'll get it eventually...) but I don't want to be rude either. I recognize how hated atheists are and I know the only way to change that is to speak out and be proud, and like the gay movement, ensure that everyone I know knows they know an atheist. (Did you like that sentence?) I don't want to stand by and condone faulty ideas with my silence but I also don't want to be confrontational. Although it is perfectly socially acceptable to talk about Jesus or angels or church, it is not yet acceptable to deny Jesus existed or balk at the idea of your little girl being called an angel on the grounds that she clearly exists. But we'll never get there if someone doesn't start doing these things.
When you feel so strongly about something it is hard to be quiet and just be. I suppose that's what got religion going in the first place. The question that remains to be answered is, with the neo-atheists leading the next Crusades, whether I'll be taking up arms or locking my door.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Green Giant
Yesterday my first Spud order came and I was quite chuffed with the whole process. I got a harvest box with fresh, local, organic produce and a few odds and ends. It gave me the total distance that my items had traveled in order to get to my door: 1411 km. I thought that seemed like a lot until I read that the average distance that things travel to get to the local grocery is just over 2500 km. Wow. Just another reason why someone needs to invent a machine like in Willy Wonka so you can send groceries across the country by breaking them into tiny pieces using television rays.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Hats Off
I won a CBC Olympic hat today on the radio. Seems that my nimble young fingers were able to out-dial all the crockety 80-year-old fingers who were also dialing in. Yay for me.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
To Paisley: Six Months Old
Last night I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep (why I don't know since I am perpetually tired) and I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the last six months. Only six short months ago I was awaiting your arrival (and still thinking I had plenty of time left!) and trying to imagine what you would look like and what it would feel like to be a Mom. I had only just finished work and did not yet know what my life as a stay-at-home-Mom would look like. It was just your Dad and I. We would lie in bed and talk about our day and invariably we would be interrupted by a kick or a hiccup and we would stop, and look in wonder at my giant belly. Who was in there?
Now, you are here and you are better than we ever imagined. I cannot really even remember being pregnant and the days of driving to work every day are long gone. Now, each day starts with you and ends with you. You wake up, sometimes crying but usually quite happy to lie in your crib and wait for us, and start my day with the most beautiful smile. Yesterday your dad snuck in early in the morning to get his suit out of your closet and found you happily lying there, beaming up at him. I get you up in the morning and we have a little chat. We usually stop at the mirror in the hall on the way downstairs and have a little mirror time. You love it when I run up very close to the mirror so that our noses are almost touching the glass and then run away again. We do this for about 5 minutes, or until you get bored, and make our way to the kitchen where I grab breakfast and get ready for the day. At night we cuddle and read stories and I usually feed you before bed. You immediately roll onto your side, stick your thumb in your mouth and that's it. You're asleep.
Your Dad started his job this month and for the first time since you were born our threesome became a twosome. The first week was the longest week of my life and so, by the second week, I had signed up for every mommy-related activity known to man. On Tuesdays we go to Salsa Babies, where we dance the merengue and the cha cha with all the other moms and babies. You love it because you're close to me and get to move for 45 minutes straight. I love it because I love dancing and it's a great workout. On Thursdays we do yoga under a tree in Riley park. Okay, I do yoga under a tree and you lie on the blanket and cheer me on. It's very calming and relaxing and you love being outdoors so you're happy. The other days are spent running errands, meeting friends for lunch, visiting with Grandma and Grandpa and sometimes, but rarely, just hanging out at home. I am still trying to figure out what our life is going to look like and I have to admit that some days are easier than others. On busy days I feel full and energized and happy. On dark days, where it is raining, or we have nothing planned, I feel sad and a little lost. It's hard to carve a life out for yourself when there isn't anyone else telling you what to do, where to be or when you can go home. I have reserved Sunday evenings for myself - I go and play beach volleyball and I am merely Caroline. Not "Paisley's Mom" or "Brian's Wife"...just me. It feels good.
You are the joy in my life and even though adjusting can be rocky, I have never regretted my decision to stay at home. Not once. You are laughing so much these days and some times you get going and all I have to do is look at you and you start all over again. You are eating everything in sight (except the food I try to give you. Last week you spat squash in my face. We laughed. And then I spat it back at you.) and you're favourite snack is still your fingers, with some toes for dessert. Your hair is growing in and it is soft, and downy and very blond. I am curious to see what it will look like as it grows. You still love your bath time and have recently discovered that you can kick to your heart's content in there. The water goes flying and you squeal and kick like a frog on speed. I would like to report that you are sleeping through the night, but alas, I cannot lie. You were sleeping the night and then all of a sudden, you decided you actually preferred to get up three times a night to yell at Mom. You've stopped crying at night and have started this seal-like barking. It's very demanding and a little bit rude but I can't help but laugh, even when I am barked awake at 4:00 AM. I suppose the barking comes along with the giggling so I'm happy to take it.
This is a very special time in our lives and although you won't remember it, I always will. You are my baby, my companion and the reason I do the things I do. You have helped me to become more outgoing and you make me laugh every day. Not a day goes by where I don't stop and look at you and take a mental picture because it's all going so fast. Not very long ago you couldn't even control your arms and now you are rolling over, propping yourself up, kicking, talking and growing. You are doing a wonderful job of being you.
Love,
Mama
Now, you are here and you are better than we ever imagined. I cannot really even remember being pregnant and the days of driving to work every day are long gone. Now, each day starts with you and ends with you. You wake up, sometimes crying but usually quite happy to lie in your crib and wait for us, and start my day with the most beautiful smile. Yesterday your dad snuck in early in the morning to get his suit out of your closet and found you happily lying there, beaming up at him. I get you up in the morning and we have a little chat. We usually stop at the mirror in the hall on the way downstairs and have a little mirror time. You love it when I run up very close to the mirror so that our noses are almost touching the glass and then run away again. We do this for about 5 minutes, or until you get bored, and make our way to the kitchen where I grab breakfast and get ready for the day. At night we cuddle and read stories and I usually feed you before bed. You immediately roll onto your side, stick your thumb in your mouth and that's it. You're asleep.
Your Dad started his job this month and for the first time since you were born our threesome became a twosome. The first week was the longest week of my life and so, by the second week, I had signed up for every mommy-related activity known to man. On Tuesdays we go to Salsa Babies, where we dance the merengue and the cha cha with all the other moms and babies. You love it because you're close to me and get to move for 45 minutes straight. I love it because I love dancing and it's a great workout. On Thursdays we do yoga under a tree in Riley park. Okay, I do yoga under a tree and you lie on the blanket and cheer me on. It's very calming and relaxing and you love being outdoors so you're happy. The other days are spent running errands, meeting friends for lunch, visiting with Grandma and Grandpa and sometimes, but rarely, just hanging out at home. I am still trying to figure out what our life is going to look like and I have to admit that some days are easier than others. On busy days I feel full and energized and happy. On dark days, where it is raining, or we have nothing planned, I feel sad and a little lost. It's hard to carve a life out for yourself when there isn't anyone else telling you what to do, where to be or when you can go home. I have reserved Sunday evenings for myself - I go and play beach volleyball and I am merely Caroline. Not "Paisley's Mom" or "Brian's Wife"...just me. It feels good.
You are the joy in my life and even though adjusting can be rocky, I have never regretted my decision to stay at home. Not once. You are laughing so much these days and some times you get going and all I have to do is look at you and you start all over again. You are eating everything in sight (except the food I try to give you. Last week you spat squash in my face. We laughed. And then I spat it back at you.) and you're favourite snack is still your fingers, with some toes for dessert. Your hair is growing in and it is soft, and downy and very blond. I am curious to see what it will look like as it grows. You still love your bath time and have recently discovered that you can kick to your heart's content in there. The water goes flying and you squeal and kick like a frog on speed. I would like to report that you are sleeping through the night, but alas, I cannot lie. You were sleeping the night and then all of a sudden, you decided you actually preferred to get up three times a night to yell at Mom. You've stopped crying at night and have started this seal-like barking. It's very demanding and a little bit rude but I can't help but laugh, even when I am barked awake at 4:00 AM. I suppose the barking comes along with the giggling so I'm happy to take it.
This is a very special time in our lives and although you won't remember it, I always will. You are my baby, my companion and the reason I do the things I do. You have helped me to become more outgoing and you make me laugh every day. Not a day goes by where I don't stop and look at you and take a mental picture because it's all going so fast. Not very long ago you couldn't even control your arms and now you are rolling over, propping yourself up, kicking, talking and growing. You are doing a wonderful job of being you.
Love,
Mama
Monday, July 28, 2008
No Balance without Compromise
When I first found out I would be having a baby girl it sort of threw me into a fit of particularly harsh self-analysis. For whatever reason I felt a lot more pressure about raising a girl than a boy. I felt like I had to be more educated, more accomplished, more independent and more determined than I found myself to be. I needed to hack out a path for her in this world, show her that women can have jobs, be educated and earn money. I wanted her to understand that I chose to stay at home but that I never had to and suddenly I felt very under qualified and to be honest, a bit ashamed.
It's hard enough to figure out what you want to be, never mind finding the time and money to do it all. All my life I wanted to be a doctor. It is a dream that still haunts me every time I go to the hospital or bump into someone who is in medical school. My stomach starts to churn and I feel sad. Having said that, I am fully aware of the time commitment that would take and I am not prepared to do it now that I have Paisley. I regret that I didn't do it right after my undergrad but I also know that I wasn't ready for it then and that had I done it I would have missed out on all the traveling I have done. My plan, once Brian was finished law school was to go back and get my PhD. This is still a possibility but even that has been put on the back burner for at least a year. Brian and I sat down yesterday and took a good look at the program and it just doesn't make sense to start it right now. I feel okay about that - it just didn't feel right and I certainly don't want to start anything until I'm sure it is exactly what I want.
I can't go to school full time and be a stay-at-home Mom. I can't give Paisley the gift of my time and presence and still be a full-fledged member of "the outside world". So, my plans as it stands right now is to relax. And enjoy Mom-and-Baby yoga class, and salsa dancing. Play my beach volleyball on the weekend and take a web design course in the fall. And write. Writing was always something that lurked behind everything else in my life, popping its head out every once and awhile. Now it will be given ample time and dedication and hopefully, the opportunity to grow and improve. Above all I want to enjoy the time I have with P - this quiet, special time with just her, me and a whole world to explore.
I can conquer the world on her behalf next year.
Okay, I lied, I'm not entirely okay with this. I hate making big decisions.
It's hard enough to figure out what you want to be, never mind finding the time and money to do it all. All my life I wanted to be a doctor. It is a dream that still haunts me every time I go to the hospital or bump into someone who is in medical school. My stomach starts to churn and I feel sad. Having said that, I am fully aware of the time commitment that would take and I am not prepared to do it now that I have Paisley. I regret that I didn't do it right after my undergrad but I also know that I wasn't ready for it then and that had I done it I would have missed out on all the traveling I have done. My plan, once Brian was finished law school was to go back and get my PhD. This is still a possibility but even that has been put on the back burner for at least a year. Brian and I sat down yesterday and took a good look at the program and it just doesn't make sense to start it right now. I feel okay about that - it just didn't feel right and I certainly don't want to start anything until I'm sure it is exactly what I want.
I can't go to school full time and be a stay-at-home Mom. I can't give Paisley the gift of my time and presence and still be a full-fledged member of "the outside world". So, my plans as it stands right now is to relax. And enjoy Mom-and-Baby yoga class, and salsa dancing. Play my beach volleyball on the weekend and take a web design course in the fall. And write. Writing was always something that lurked behind everything else in my life, popping its head out every once and awhile. Now it will be given ample time and dedication and hopefully, the opportunity to grow and improve. Above all I want to enjoy the time I have with P - this quiet, special time with just her, me and a whole world to explore.
I can conquer the world on her behalf next year.
Okay, I lied, I'm not entirely okay with this. I hate making big decisions.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Punctuated Equilbrium
I am just finishing Lynn Truss' book Eats, Shoots & Leaves and I have really enjoyed it. What I have enjoyed most is the vindication I feel. All my life I have struggled with the idea of punctuation and quotation marks. When I was young it made me avoid dialogue entirely. I remember in the seventh grade I wrote a 22 page story (the assignment called for three) and never wrote a single line of dialogue. This technique worked but not for long. It is very hard to avoid using quote marks in journalistic writing. I was forever struggling with this, which was weird because I've always been good with all other aspects of grammar and spelling. To me, the punctuation should go outside the quotes when it ends the whole sentence and within if it ends the quote.
Why did she say "you'll never see me again"?
Nobody heard her yell "Where are you?"
(That last example still bugs me because the sentence doesn't have en end punctuation. It needs a period but it looks crazy next to the ? in the quotes. Arrgghhh.)
Anyway, at least part of my dilemma has been solved. My friend in j-school used to say, "What's so hard? All punctuation goes inside the quotes!" but that is not entirely true. That is only true in America. In the UK the same hard and fast rule doesn't exist and they are far more flexible with their approach. Being that Canada adheres to many, but not all of, British language conventions I am still not entirely sure where we stand. I am relieved to know however, that my confusion comes from somewhere other than my own mind.
Why did she say "you'll never see me again"?
Nobody heard her yell "Where are you?"
(That last example still bugs me because the sentence doesn't have en end punctuation. It needs a period but it looks crazy next to the ? in the quotes. Arrgghhh.)
Anyway, at least part of my dilemma has been solved. My friend in j-school used to say, "What's so hard? All punctuation goes inside the quotes!" but that is not entirely true. That is only true in America. In the UK the same hard and fast rule doesn't exist and they are far more flexible with their approach. Being that Canada adheres to many, but not all of, British language conventions I am still not entirely sure where we stand. I am relieved to know however, that my confusion comes from somewhere other than my own mind.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Alberta: Stuck in a Rut
The Alberta government is currently developing a new license plate that is set to be releases in 2009. I have been following this story ever since I found out about it and participated in the survey for the new plate. I was asked what images, if any, I would like to see, what colours etc. I was very clear that the only images I didn't want to see on the plate was oil rigs or cowboys. We'll see if I get my way.
Slogans were another issue on the survey. Currently it is "Wild Rose Country" which I have to admit, is a little lame. The front runner right now is "Strong and Free". If that's the slogan I think I might just have to remove my vehicle from the road in protest. I hate that slogan! First of all, it doesn't make any sense. Strong? How? How are we stronger or weaker than any other province? Free? That's the really annoying part. Free from what exactly. We live in a democratic nation - we are all free. It smacks of the Alberta separation movement and sounds a bit American. "Strong and free" are words found in their national anthem, on many license plates and in the Declaration of Independence. Surely we could come up with something a little less inflammatory...a median must exist between a wimpy pink flower and a manifesto.
Monday, July 07, 2008
At least I don't have bifocals anymore...
Being a joiner isn't easy. Part of being a stay-at-home-Mom for me is being more than just that. I promised myself that this year would also be an opportunity for me to make friends, learn new things and have some fun. So, I have been joining things. I joined a few Mom's groups and do yoga in the park on Thursday's. I joined a sports league and had my first beach volleyball game last night. As I stood there, not knowing anyone, waiting to be introduced to my team mates I felt like I was in Junior High all over again. What if I'm at the wrong place and I have to walk out in front of everyone? What if they're really good and I am really bad? What if they don't like me? They weren't necessarily conscious questions but I'm sure they were at the root of that uncomfortable, queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nobody likes to be the new kid and it doesn't get better when you are thirty. I can see why many people don't join things, why it's easier to keep the friends you have than to put yourself out there all over again. I have a renewed sense of sympathy for people who find themselves dating again after being "on the shelf" for awhile. It is not pleasant; it is humbling.
As it turned out (as it almost always turns out), my team was very nice and I had a great time. And next week I'll be the girl at the swimming pool asking everyone who walks in, "Are you with the hip mama group?" and I will feel stupid each and every time. It's hard but every time I think about not going, not registering, not bothering I tell myself that there are some things that are even more difficult than this. Namely, staying at home all day with a baby, with no life, few friends and nothing to show for your time.
As it turned out (as it almost always turns out), my team was very nice and I had a great time. And next week I'll be the girl at the swimming pool asking everyone who walks in, "Are you with the hip mama group?" and I will feel stupid each and every time. It's hard but every time I think about not going, not registering, not bothering I tell myself that there are some things that are even more difficult than this. Namely, staying at home all day with a baby, with no life, few friends and nothing to show for your time.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
An Order of Evil...Served Hot
"So, did you hear? My boyfriend is receiving the order of Canada?"
"Morgentaler is your boyfriend?"
"No. Peter. The hottest guy on TV next to Ian Hanomansing."
"Oh. Well congratulations, I guess."
So go the conversations around out house. In all seriousness, I'm pretty proud of Peter for this accomplishment and just as happy that Morgentaler is receiving the same award. On the radio this morning I heard an excerpt from Henry Morgentaler's reaction speech and he said "I deserve this award. It's about time that my accomplishments were recognized." I loved that. Fake humility is so overdone and really, so unnecessary. If you win a huge award for a lifetime of achievement you better think you deserve it, or someone might reconsider.
I remember being told my a Catholic man I used to know that you could see the devil in Morgentaler's eyes. Well, I guess the devil just received the Order of Canada.
"Morgentaler is your boyfriend?"
"No. Peter. The hottest guy on TV next to Ian Hanomansing."
"Oh. Well congratulations, I guess."
So go the conversations around out house. In all seriousness, I'm pretty proud of Peter for this accomplishment and just as happy that Morgentaler is receiving the same award. On the radio this morning I heard an excerpt from Henry Morgentaler's reaction speech and he said "I deserve this award. It's about time that my accomplishments were recognized." I loved that. Fake humility is so overdone and really, so unnecessary. If you win a huge award for a lifetime of achievement you better think you deserve it, or someone might reconsider.
I remember being told my a Catholic man I used to know that you could see the devil in Morgentaler's eyes. Well, I guess the devil just received the Order of Canada.
Monday, June 30, 2008
To Paisley: Five Months Old
Having a newborn is a sleepless but magical time. Your baby depends on you for everything and is helpless and delicate. Those nights spent holding you when you were only 7 lbs and barely able to focus on my face were quiet and enchanting. That little newborn is gone, and now, in her place I have the funniest, sweetest little baby I could have ever asked for. In the past month your personality has really started to shine though. You are happy and love to smile. You will sometimes start to laugh and I can't help but laugh along with you. Your tiny little shoulders start to shake and if you find something really amusing you may even treat us to a little snort. Sometimes, if something is too funny and you've laughed just a little too long you will start to cry. I have no idea where you get that from. It certainly wouldn't be from me. Nope.
This month saw your first flight! We flew on our first family trip out to Vancouver Island. Your Dad has been home from school/work for the past two months and it has been wonderful to spend so much time with him. We had such a great time on the Island and you were a joy to be with. It was definitely different traveling with a baby but like most things in life attitude plays a huge role. We did whatever it was we wanted to do and then we made accommodations for you. This trip saw many other firsts for you: your first dip in the ocean, the first time you had sand between your toes, your first IMAX experience (I don't know what was bigger the screen or your eyes!), and your first experience with male pattern balding. While we gained so much on our trip in terms of memories, you lost a lot of hair. If you want to find it when you're older just head to the Super 8 on Douglas Street in Victoria.
This month brought our first Walk to Cure Diabetes. You, me, Dad, my Mom and Dad and my brothers all raised money (nearly $1000!) to help fund research for Juvenile Diabetes. I have had type 1 diabetes for nearly two years now and I think about a cure at least once a week. Sometimes I think of myself and how much easier my life would be without the insulin and the injections and the blood testing but mostly I want to be sure that this never happens to you. We still don't know whether my illness has any genetic component and when you're older we may get you tested to find out, but right now I am doing what I can to keep you healthy. Breastfeeding you is one of the most important gifts I can give you for your health and so far I'm happy with how well that is going.
You've started grabbing onto things lately and can hold your toys and bring them to your mouth. Where, apparently, everything belongs. One day you were holding your little toy giraffe and I said to you, "Say Hi to Sophie the Giraffe" and you looked right up at me and said "Hi" on cue. Your Dad was right there and the two of us just looked at each other and started to laugh. You've got good timing my love. You are getting better at sitting up, although you still need help. You still aren't sleeping through the night although last week you slept from 11:00 until six in the morning. I woke up with a start and ran into your room (okay, I didn't run. I couldn't run. There were rocks where my boobs had been only hours before) to find you still asleep, like an angel. I would have kissed you if I wasn't afraid it would wake you. I tried to go back to bed but was so full of energy from my SEVEN HOURS OF SLEEP!! that your Dad growled at me to stop being so happy so early. No matter what time you wake me up though, I have to say that one of my favourite parts of my day is the big grin on your face when you see my head emerge over the top of your crib. I don't think anyone has ever been so happy to see me.
There are days when I miss the mewing and squeaking sounds you used to make when you were new, and the little newborn cry. But these sounds have been replaced with laughter - both yours and mine- and an exciting sense that you are really starting to explore and appreciate this world around you..and you are helping me to explore and appreciate this world too.
Love,
Mama
This month saw your first flight! We flew on our first family trip out to Vancouver Island. Your Dad has been home from school/work for the past two months and it has been wonderful to spend so much time with him. We had such a great time on the Island and you were a joy to be with. It was definitely different traveling with a baby but like most things in life attitude plays a huge role. We did whatever it was we wanted to do and then we made accommodations for you. This trip saw many other firsts for you: your first dip in the ocean, the first time you had sand between your toes, your first IMAX experience (I don't know what was bigger the screen or your eyes!), and your first experience with male pattern balding. While we gained so much on our trip in terms of memories, you lost a lot of hair. If you want to find it when you're older just head to the Super 8 on Douglas Street in Victoria.
This month brought our first Walk to Cure Diabetes. You, me, Dad, my Mom and Dad and my brothers all raised money (nearly $1000!) to help fund research for Juvenile Diabetes. I have had type 1 diabetes for nearly two years now and I think about a cure at least once a week. Sometimes I think of myself and how much easier my life would be without the insulin and the injections and the blood testing but mostly I want to be sure that this never happens to you. We still don't know whether my illness has any genetic component and when you're older we may get you tested to find out, but right now I am doing what I can to keep you healthy. Breastfeeding you is one of the most important gifts I can give you for your health and so far I'm happy with how well that is going.
You've started grabbing onto things lately and can hold your toys and bring them to your mouth. Where, apparently, everything belongs. One day you were holding your little toy giraffe and I said to you, "Say Hi to Sophie the Giraffe" and you looked right up at me and said "Hi" on cue. Your Dad was right there and the two of us just looked at each other and started to laugh. You've got good timing my love. You are getting better at sitting up, although you still need help. You still aren't sleeping through the night although last week you slept from 11:00 until six in the morning. I woke up with a start and ran into your room (okay, I didn't run. I couldn't run. There were rocks where my boobs had been only hours before) to find you still asleep, like an angel. I would have kissed you if I wasn't afraid it would wake you. I tried to go back to bed but was so full of energy from my SEVEN HOURS OF SLEEP!! that your Dad growled at me to stop being so happy so early. No matter what time you wake me up though, I have to say that one of my favourite parts of my day is the big grin on your face when you see my head emerge over the top of your crib. I don't think anyone has ever been so happy to see me.
There are days when I miss the mewing and squeaking sounds you used to make when you were new, and the little newborn cry. But these sounds have been replaced with laughter - both yours and mine- and an exciting sense that you are really starting to explore and appreciate this world around you..and you are helping me to explore and appreciate this world too.
Love,
Mama
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Life Bytes
Our hard drive crashed. And I mean CRASHED. We bought an enclosure hoping we could pull the data off the drive and there is nothing there. So, I'm hoping that the directory is wiped but that the data is still there. Either way it's going to be a bitch to recover. All of Paisley's pictures are on there - her birth, the pictures of her being weighed and all the pictures we've taken since then. And of course all of our pictures from Korea, China, Japan, Hawaii, Journalism school and well, pretty much my whole life since it went digital.
Damn. And I had been planning on buying a big external hard drive for back up as soon as Brian started work and we had some money. Typical isn't it? Makes me think I should be getting that glass coverage for the car that I keep thinking about.
We had a wonderful time on the island but I have delayed posting about it because I wanted to load the pics and obviously, that won't be happening for awhile now. Will post about trip when I'm not so mad - all of this could have been avoided if I had just backed everything up. Procrastination is an ugly thing. Which is why I am putting off my vacation post. Somethings never change.
Damn. And I had been planning on buying a big external hard drive for back up as soon as Brian started work and we had some money. Typical isn't it? Makes me think I should be getting that glass coverage for the car that I keep thinking about.
We had a wonderful time on the island but I have delayed posting about it because I wanted to load the pics and obviously, that won't be happening for awhile now. Will post about trip when I'm not so mad - all of this could have been avoided if I had just backed everything up. Procrastination is an ugly thing. Which is why I am putting off my vacation post. Somethings never change.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Walk to Cure Diabetes 2008
This weekend my whole family got together to participate in the JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes. It was the first time we did it but I am hoping it will become a yearly tradition. I have to say that a number of times along the 5km route I glanced around to see the people I love most in the world, all walking beside me and tears came to my eyes. You know that feeling you get at the end of a really great movie where your heart swells because it feels like it could just burst with...something? Joy? Love? Wonder? Anyway, that was how I felt on Sunday. There were a lot of little kids there and a lot of families and it felt good to know that we were helping to raise money (nearly $900!!) and that my family was supporting me in the process. I am a very lucky girl, even if I do have diabetes.
Friday, May 30, 2008
To Paisley: Four Months Old
I can't believe four months have passed already. We are moving into summer now and I remember when I was still pregnant I would try to imagine this summer and what it would be like. What you would be like. Now we are here and it all seems to have come so quickly.
This month I celebrated my first Mother's Day. Both of my brothers drove from Edmonton to surprise our Mum and we had a great afternoon at our house. Mum was so surprised and touched and at one point I was sitting next to her on the couch with you in my arms and it felt so good to be both a daughter and a mother to my own little girl - like somehow life had worked out just the way it is supposed to.
This month also brought the final step in your Dad's academic career. His convocation was held on a Thursday afternoon and our family cheered him on as he stepped onto the stage to receive his law degree. You were very good, and even better after I nursed you under a stairwell in the lobby. Your Dad looked so handsome in his cap and gown and I couldn't stop from crying when I heard his name called - law school has been a long and difficult road at times and to be on the other end of it, holding you, made me feel so proud and happy.
Now that Dad is done school and doesn't start work until July he has been home with us a lot. The three of us hang out and go on walks and for picnics in the park. It's wonderful that we all get a chance to spend time together and I know how much he values this time with you. He likes to wear you around the house in the Baby Bjorn, which he calls his "man girdle" and plays the balancing game with you far more often than your poor mom can handle.
Up until this month your schedule had been a bit of a free for all. You went to bed in our room in your bassinet and then into our bed, and back into your bassinet and the time varied every night. We decided that having a routine would be better for you and better for us and we moved you into your crib in your own room! At first I was a bit sad not to hear your every movement and squeak at night but that sadness quickly dissipated when I realized I could get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time. Now we feed you, put you in pyjamas and read you your books every night at about 10:30. We read you a story ofyour our choosing and then always finish with Good Night Moon. You really seem to enjoy this time with us and love looking at the pictures. This routine has worked so well and for the first time since you came home you have slept for 5-6 hours on a couple of occasions. You still get up at about 6am to play and we're working on that but mostly we just accommodate you and enjoy every minute of it.
You found your voice this month...and it was in Montana this whole time! We went down the US so that you could meet your cousins, Sophie and Eden. We all went for dinner to Applebees and all of a sudden, from your car seat, you started babbling away to us. You had talked to dad and I a bit before, mostly when you were getting your diaper changed, but never anything like this. You cooed away and smiled and giggled and squealed. We were all so entranced by your cuteness and I couldn't stop hitting your Dad on the arm and saying, "Did you hear that!?" Poor man couldn't eat his dinner he was getting whacked so much. The talking continued all the way home from Montana and hasn't stopped. It is so cute and it's nice to know that you want to talk to us, even if you do have a Montana accent.
On the way home from Montana we stopped in Raymond at Grandma Patt's place and you got a chance to meet your cousin Freya. She is only a few months older than you and lives in Vancouver. You two hit it off right away and although not much was said, we could all tell that you guys shared some meaningful connections.
You are getting much stronger and when we pick you up we no longer have to cradle your head to ensure it follows your neck. You produce more drool than I ever thought possible...I am convinced that at least a third of the milk you drink gets directly converted to drool. You can sit up in your Bumbo now and still love your swing more than anything. You have also learned how to navigate your thumb into your mouth consistently and oh boy, do you love to suck that thumb! The smacking slurping sounds that emerge from that tiny little mouth when you're trying to jam that fist in there can be quite loud and have interrupted many a conversation.
I never told anyone this, mostly because I knew it didn't make any sense, but I used to worry when you were smaller that you wouldn't be happy. Now that you are able to smile and express yourself better I have no doubts anymore that you are a very happy little person. You grin at us and squeal when we talk to you and nothing in the world could make me feel happier or more loved. You make me laugh everyday and no matter how tired I am or how drooly you are, holding you and kissing your little face is the best thing in my life. I'm so happy that we get to be happy together.
Love,
Mama
This month I celebrated my first Mother's Day. Both of my brothers drove from Edmonton to surprise our Mum and we had a great afternoon at our house. Mum was so surprised and touched and at one point I was sitting next to her on the couch with you in my arms and it felt so good to be both a daughter and a mother to my own little girl - like somehow life had worked out just the way it is supposed to.
This month also brought the final step in your Dad's academic career. His convocation was held on a Thursday afternoon and our family cheered him on as he stepped onto the stage to receive his law degree. You were very good, and even better after I nursed you under a stairwell in the lobby. Your Dad looked so handsome in his cap and gown and I couldn't stop from crying when I heard his name called - law school has been a long and difficult road at times and to be on the other end of it, holding you, made me feel so proud and happy.
Now that Dad is done school and doesn't start work until July he has been home with us a lot. The three of us hang out and go on walks and for picnics in the park. It's wonderful that we all get a chance to spend time together and I know how much he values this time with you. He likes to wear you around the house in the Baby Bjorn, which he calls his "man girdle" and plays the balancing game with you far more often than your poor mom can handle.
Up until this month your schedule had been a bit of a free for all. You went to bed in our room in your bassinet and then into our bed, and back into your bassinet and the time varied every night. We decided that having a routine would be better for you and better for us and we moved you into your crib in your own room! At first I was a bit sad not to hear your every movement and squeak at night but that sadness quickly dissipated when I realized I could get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time. Now we feed you, put you in pyjamas and read you your books every night at about 10:30. We read you a story of
You found your voice this month...and it was in Montana this whole time! We went down the US so that you could meet your cousins, Sophie and Eden. We all went for dinner to Applebees and all of a sudden, from your car seat, you started babbling away to us. You had talked to dad and I a bit before, mostly when you were getting your diaper changed, but never anything like this. You cooed away and smiled and giggled and squealed. We were all so entranced by your cuteness and I couldn't stop hitting your Dad on the arm and saying, "Did you hear that!?" Poor man couldn't eat his dinner he was getting whacked so much. The talking continued all the way home from Montana and hasn't stopped. It is so cute and it's nice to know that you want to talk to us, even if you do have a Montana accent.
On the way home from Montana we stopped in Raymond at Grandma Patt's place and you got a chance to meet your cousin Freya. She is only a few months older than you and lives in Vancouver. You two hit it off right away and although not much was said, we could all tell that you guys shared some meaningful connections.
You are getting much stronger and when we pick you up we no longer have to cradle your head to ensure it follows your neck. You produce more drool than I ever thought possible...I am convinced that at least a third of the milk you drink gets directly converted to drool. You can sit up in your Bumbo now and still love your swing more than anything. You have also learned how to navigate your thumb into your mouth consistently and oh boy, do you love to suck that thumb! The smacking slurping sounds that emerge from that tiny little mouth when you're trying to jam that fist in there can be quite loud and have interrupted many a conversation.
I never told anyone this, mostly because I knew it didn't make any sense, but I used to worry when you were smaller that you wouldn't be happy. Now that you are able to smile and express yourself better I have no doubts anymore that you are a very happy little person. You grin at us and squeal when we talk to you and nothing in the world could make me feel happier or more loved. You make me laugh everyday and no matter how tired I am or how drooly you are, holding you and kissing your little face is the best thing in my life. I'm so happy that we get to be happy together.
Love,
Mama
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Parallel Universe?
We went to Montana last weekend to visit our nieces and do some cross-border shopping (read: bought Kalispell's entire stock of gdiaper liners) and had a nice visit. That area of Montana is very pretty and rugged and so completely different from Alberta that it's weird. I mean, they are only separated by a barely-patrolled border and very little distance and yet it's like an alternate universe down there. I don't know quite what it is but it feels different. The buildings are different and the streets are different and the radio stations are WAY different.
America is a weird and wonderful country. I have spent a fair amount of time there in many different states (18 at last count!) and of course, Brian has lived there for years at different points in his life. And between the two of us we still struggle to understand the place. It annoys him that he doesn't have a better grasp of who and what the country is and it perplexes us to the point of frustration. We know so many Americans who have similar political/religious views as us and who are like any other Canadians or Europeans we might know. But the country, the way it thinks, votes, prays and behaves does not seem to reflect the people we know. Who are those people who put bumper stickers of the ten commandments on their truck? Who believe that American soldiers are being killed by Iranians and that it sounds like a good idea to build a fence between the US and Mexico? Who still think Saddam had something to do with 9-11? Who are the people who watch and worse yet, believe, Fox news? Who think abstinence is the only sexual education that should be taught in schools and who know so little about the world outside of America? I have wanted to dismiss these people in the past as a fringe group, as right-wing nuts, but they are not easily dismissed. Based on the last two elections I can only assume they make up the majority.
Brian and I spend a lot of our time wondering about these things, especially when we are visiting our neighbours to the south. American policies and attitudes often reveal a shocking ignorance of the world outside of its borders. Many really buy into the idea that America has much to teach other countries and nothing to learn. They believe that America is democratic and righteous and envied by the rest of the world. We've considered the education system as a possible culprit but we know too many smart and well-educated people from the States. America produces some of the sharpest minds in the world and has contributed positively to our social and technical advancement is so many ways. Is it its Puritan beginnings or lack of independent media? I haven't a clue. So, if anyone can shed some light on this issue I would be grateful.
America is a weird and wonderful country. I have spent a fair amount of time there in many different states (18 at last count!) and of course, Brian has lived there for years at different points in his life. And between the two of us we still struggle to understand the place. It annoys him that he doesn't have a better grasp of who and what the country is and it perplexes us to the point of frustration. We know so many Americans who have similar political/religious views as us and who are like any other Canadians or Europeans we might know. But the country, the way it thinks, votes, prays and behaves does not seem to reflect the people we know. Who are those people who put bumper stickers of the ten commandments on their truck? Who believe that American soldiers are being killed by Iranians and that it sounds like a good idea to build a fence between the US and Mexico? Who still think Saddam had something to do with 9-11? Who are the people who watch and worse yet, believe, Fox news? Who think abstinence is the only sexual education that should be taught in schools and who know so little about the world outside of America? I have wanted to dismiss these people in the past as a fringe group, as right-wing nuts, but they are not easily dismissed. Based on the last two elections I can only assume they make up the majority.
Brian and I spend a lot of our time wondering about these things, especially when we are visiting our neighbours to the south. American policies and attitudes often reveal a shocking ignorance of the world outside of its borders. Many really buy into the idea that America has much to teach other countries and nothing to learn. They believe that America is democratic and righteous and envied by the rest of the world. We've considered the education system as a possible culprit but we know too many smart and well-educated people from the States. America produces some of the sharpest minds in the world and has contributed positively to our social and technical advancement is so many ways. Is it its Puritan beginnings or lack of independent media? I haven't a clue. So, if anyone can shed some light on this issue I would be grateful.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
My Paisley Pendant
I bought this on Etsy as a Mother's day present for myself. I can already foresee a life full of Paisley printed items. Maybe we'll name our next little one Gingham.
Monday, May 19, 2008
This Moment
Living in the moment is something we probably all aspire to. I find it hard to so sometimes - there is always an upcoming adventure or event or stage to reach. I remember in high school I always thought my real life would start in university. And then in university I believed it would start after I graduated. Then I went to grad school, and that became the barrier between me and my reality. Then it was getting married. I think that is why I had such a hard time with turning 29. I knew then that school (for the time being anyway) was complete. I was married, owned a house and would be living in Calgary for the foreseeable future. This is my real life. It wasn't so much that I didn't like it but that the arrival was for some reason unforeseen and a little anticlimactic.
This morning I woke up to a slight breeze blowing in the window...it carried with it that indescribable smell of summer. Paisley was sound asleep next to me. Brian was up and painting and I could hear his music. Saturday's Globe and Mail lay next to the bed, ready to be devoured and I could already smell the pot of coffee I was about to put on. It was so perfect that it made me hold my breath for just a second. A moment I wish I could live in for a little longer.
This morning I woke up to a slight breeze blowing in the window...it carried with it that indescribable smell of summer. Paisley was sound asleep next to me. Brian was up and painting and I could hear his music. Saturday's Globe and Mail lay next to the bed, ready to be devoured and I could already smell the pot of coffee I was about to put on. It was so perfect that it made me hold my breath for just a second. A moment I wish I could live in for a little longer.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Me and Thelma and Louise
Today, all day, I felt a need to escape. I don't really know where to or what I would do when I got there but for the last few days I have been feeling so stuck. I look out the window and see the same empty parking lot every day and the houses full of people we still don't know. Nobody in our neighborhood (and I use that term loosely) seems to spend any time outside, except for the man across the street who walks the garbage to the dumpster in bare feet. Even in winter. I drive the same roads weekly to go to the same grocery store and buy the same food. I cook the same meals and wear the same clothes and sleep in the same bed. I wake up in the morning and I do it all over again. I can't help but think that right now, at this very moment, there are people living amazing and exciting lives in Dubai, Paris, New York and Tokyo and I am, here in Ranchlands doing, well, let's face it - a whole lot of nothing.
It's my fault that I feel this way. I have all kinds of things I could and should be doing and I feel like I just never get around to it. Some of it is because I'm often spending time with Paisley but if I am honest with myself, it is more that that. It's the way I've always been - full of grandiose ideas and plans and shy on motivation and self-discipline. I have a website to work on but have found myself tragically short on talent, knowledge and time. I have a baby book to work on and of course, writing. So much writing that never gets written. I am supposed to run 5 times a week and I don't. I was going to start to cook all kinds of ethnic and adventurous foods in my kitchen. I wanted to spend time learning more about photography. I have foreign languages to conquer and books to read. I have places to go and a person that I am supposed to be.
I am terrified. I am scared that this is it and I am going to wake up in ten years and my most recent trip will have been a cruise to Disneyland rather than an overland adventure through Argentina. I am scared that all the stories and books I want to write will remain unwritten and that my life will consist of the same grocery stores, the same rooms and roads and quiet evenings and all that will change is the view outside my window.
It's my fault that I feel this way. I have all kinds of things I could and should be doing and I feel like I just never get around to it. Some of it is because I'm often spending time with Paisley but if I am honest with myself, it is more that that. It's the way I've always been - full of grandiose ideas and plans and shy on motivation and self-discipline. I have a website to work on but have found myself tragically short on talent, knowledge and time. I have a baby book to work on and of course, writing. So much writing that never gets written. I am supposed to run 5 times a week and I don't. I was going to start to cook all kinds of ethnic and adventurous foods in my kitchen. I wanted to spend time learning more about photography. I have foreign languages to conquer and books to read. I have places to go and a person that I am supposed to be.
I am terrified. I am scared that this is it and I am going to wake up in ten years and my most recent trip will have been a cruise to Disneyland rather than an overland adventure through Argentina. I am scared that all the stories and books I want to write will remain unwritten and that my life will consist of the same grocery stores, the same rooms and roads and quiet evenings and all that will change is the view outside my window.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Strongasaknox.com
So...here is my new domain with my blog redirected to it. Do you like that? Strong as a Knox? Sounds like "ox". Anyway...
What I really want to do is create my very own stand alone website where I can blog, post pictures and basically plan my world takeover. But alas, my recent attempts at Dreamweaver, FTP uploads and index file thinga-ma-bobbers has left me feeling completely unqualified and depressed. I have mastheads designed and the whole site mapped out...but don't have the skill to do it. I'm a blind painter without a brush. So, until I find a kind-hearted web designer to teach me some magic or stoop to stealing a site...enjoy.
What I really want to do is create my very own stand alone website where I can blog, post pictures and basically plan my world takeover. But alas, my recent attempts at Dreamweaver, FTP uploads and index file thinga-ma-bobbers has left me feeling completely unqualified and depressed. I have mastheads designed and the whole site mapped out...but don't have the skill to do it. I'm a blind painter without a brush. So, until I find a kind-hearted web designer to teach me some magic or stoop to stealing a site...enjoy.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
My First Mother's Day
Having had Paisley has made me think so much about what things must have been like for my own Mother when she had me. It's kind of neat that she had me at almost exactly the same time as I had Paisley because it's easier to imagine. I know how pregnant she was in the fall or at Christmas and what sort of things I was doing as the season changed from winter into summer. I have it better than she had it though and I didn't really realize that until now. My Mom had only been in Canada a short time before they had me. She moved to Fort McMurray in September of 1977 and I was born the following February. She knew nobody. It was dark and cold in Fort Mac in the winter and my Dad worked long shift hours. My Mom spent her time in a small apartment with no TV and only the radio to keep her company. It's no wonder I love CBC as much as I do. I imagine the 27 year-old version of my mother and I feel for her. She most have felt overwhelmed, in a new country with her own mother so very far away. With little money and no help or support or friendship. No mommy bloggers or baby websites to turn to with fears or questions. No fancy car seats and strollers and no where to go with them.
I wish I could travel to that time and place and show up at her door. I would take baby Caroline in my arms (who by all accounts was a very energetic little one) and put on a pot of tea and we would chat. I would let her take a nap or tell her a funny story. I would take her to a movie or watch the baby so she and Dad could go out. I would tell her that it would be get better and that soon she would make wonderful friends that she would still have 30 years from now. And I would tell that little baby how lucky she is and to be good. To think twice before she heated the marbles in the frying pan next to the brand new (very meltable!) counter top. To refrain from starting the petition against the choirmaster at school or throwing Dad's gold ring down the air vent. That she should never get a perm and that air drying her hair will always produce the best results. And I would tell her to always appreciate how lucky and blessed she is to have such a kind and wonderful mother. I would tell little baby Caroline that she would sometimes feel misunderstood and alone but that she would one day realize she had never really been either and that she and her Mother would become the best of friends. And I would tell that 27-year-old woman to stop and appreciate the small moments and laugh as much as she could because very soon her little baby girl would be all grown up and have a daughter of her own.
Even though I am now a Mom I know that the hardest parts are yet to come. Right now I have to feed Paisley and cuddle her and make sure she is comfortable. I do not have to discipline her or help her to navigate difficult situations. I can only hope that by the time I get there I will feel a lot more equipped and a little more rested.
Oh, and I finally got my copy of Infinite Jest...thanksBrian Paisley.
I wish I could travel to that time and place and show up at her door. I would take baby Caroline in my arms (who by all accounts was a very energetic little one) and put on a pot of tea and we would chat. I would let her take a nap or tell her a funny story. I would take her to a movie or watch the baby so she and Dad could go out. I would tell her that it would be get better and that soon she would make wonderful friends that she would still have 30 years from now. And I would tell that little baby how lucky she is and to be good. To think twice before she heated the marbles in the frying pan next to the brand new (very meltable!) counter top. To refrain from starting the petition against the choirmaster at school or throwing Dad's gold ring down the air vent. That she should never get a perm and that air drying her hair will always produce the best results. And I would tell her to always appreciate how lucky and blessed she is to have such a kind and wonderful mother. I would tell little baby Caroline that she would sometimes feel misunderstood and alone but that she would one day realize she had never really been either and that she and her Mother would become the best of friends. And I would tell that 27-year-old woman to stop and appreciate the small moments and laugh as much as she could because very soon her little baby girl would be all grown up and have a daughter of her own.
Even though I am now a Mom I know that the hardest parts are yet to come. Right now I have to feed Paisley and cuddle her and make sure she is comfortable. I do not have to discipline her or help her to navigate difficult situations. I can only hope that by the time I get there I will feel a lot more equipped and a little more rested.
Oh, and I finally got my copy of Infinite Jest...thanks
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