Tuesday, November 06, 2007


With each week that passes my pregnant state becomes more and more obvious to myself as well as the rest of the world, and I am often left feeling overwhelmed and like this isn't real. There isn't really a person growing inside me is there? When you stop and think about it, about the cells dividing and the nutrients moving from my body into hers it becomes too much to comprehend. Too big, and yet, so normal.

I have felt so many emotions over the past few months and I often find myself checking in with my own head, "How are we doing?" You still okay with this?" Mostly, the answer is yes but I would be lying if I said there weren't days where I am panicked and terrified and want to hit the eject button. I feel fat and vulnerable and totally unprepared to become a mother. I liked the life that Brian and I had made for ourselves. I liked going for drinks on Friday's and sleeping in and going out for late-night meals. I liked knowing that we had a team of two to take on the world and planning our next vacation to a far away place. I'm scared to lose all of that.

At some level I know that we will gain so much more and that Brian and I will always be a team. It's the awkward stage in between where you can imagine all the things you love being gone but it is still too abstract to really envision what is to come. I know I'm pregnant, I feel the baby kicking and I am steadily preparing for her arrival but I still cannot really picture her or what my days will consist of. I am taking a giant leap into the unknown. I suppose, if she could, our baby would feel very much the same way.


Eileen said...

You know what? I absolutely love how brutally honest you are about being pregnant. I have some friends and acquaintances who have given birth in the last year and anytime I asked them how they were and how they were feeling during their pregnancy, I always got the "OhmyGodIamsoexcitedandcannotwaitobe
aMom". Finally, someone I know has the guts to come out and say that it's not all roses, that there are says when it's overwhelming and that you aren't too sure what to expect. I like it, it's great to hear how you are developing emotionally with each passing week.

KneuroKnut said...

Thanks Eileen...I hate how people, women it seems in particular, are dishonest with each other about pregnancy, marriage and all kinds of other things. I actually made a promise to myself when I first got engaged to be perfectly honest about how I felt when other women asked me. There were days I was scared, confused and worried. Pregnancy is much the same and I'm sure motherhood will be as well. I don't think it does any of us any service to sugarcoat something so important. Anyway, I'm glad you appreciate it and I'll do my best to keep it coming. :)