Getting a haircut in another language is always an experience. After getting a Korean friend to write down what I wanted in hangul I headed off to the local beauty salon. The place was crawling with people. Mothers, fathers and little boys getting perms. I waited for about half an hour until I was instructed to "come 'ere" by the shampoo boy, who couldn't have been more than sixteen. His broken English was cute though and he gave me one heck of a head massage. They also put this creepy green Freddy Krueger mask on your face when you are getting your hair washed so your makeup isn't ruined. I kept wanting to sing "Music of the Night" but I managed to refrain.
After I was seated in the chair, the Korean scissor cowboy sauntered up behind me, armed with three hip-holsters full of scissors. He said a quick "Hello" and proceeded to cut my hair in a frenzied blur. When he was done he flicked up the back of my hair with a grunt of accomplishment, threw his hands in the air like a flamenco dancer and pranced off. It was fantastic.
And my hair looks pretty good too.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Thursday, April 21, 2005
The Saddest Zoo in the World
Today started out great and went downhill. I woke up this morning and Brian had bought me the coolest Swatch watch for our 8-week anniversary! It's really nice and was a great surprise. How good is Brian?!
We had to be at Ding Ding Dang early today because we were taking the kids on an outing to Dalseong Park, Deagu's oldest park. We arrived at school and got the hundreds of kids into the school buses and on our way. The weather has been really beautiful here lately and when we pulled up to the park (after 6 rounds of "The Wheels on the Bus") I was happy to see that all the flowers were in bloom. It was really beautiful.
How was I to know that nestled among the beautiful flowers and greening grass was the saddest site I have seen in a long time? In the park there is a zoo. That is apparently the main reason we were taking the kids to this park and so I had to be a part of parading the little kids past the animals. Animals in small, dirty cages. A lone elephant, eating what appeared to be dust. Three mangy seals in an empty pool. Lions and tigers with no space to roam, eat or find shade. A chimpanzee lying in the fetal position in the dirt. It was horrible. Even the kids, who tend to show a typically Korean lack of feeling for animals, were disturbed by what they saw. One of my students, Peter, remarked that all the animals were old and sick. Or suicidal I silently added.
Seeing the zoo made me so sad and I eventually gave in to tears standing across from the lions. Having seen them in the wild and the majesty with which they carry themselves, I couldn't handle staring and taking pictures of the sad, scrawny, tired cats.
It made me wonder a lot about humanity. On most days I have a lot of faith in people and in our capacity for compassion and kindness. But there are days, and today was one of them, where I can't believe some of the things we have done. How anyone could stand across from a primate, look into it's eyes that look so much like ours, and then laugh at their miserable condition escapes me. As a scientist, I know that humans are animals much like chimps, elephants or lions. Today I realized that we are sometimes more animal than human.
We had to be at Ding Ding Dang early today because we were taking the kids on an outing to Dalseong Park, Deagu's oldest park. We arrived at school and got the hundreds of kids into the school buses and on our way. The weather has been really beautiful here lately and when we pulled up to the park (after 6 rounds of "The Wheels on the Bus") I was happy to see that all the flowers were in bloom. It was really beautiful.
How was I to know that nestled among the beautiful flowers and greening grass was the saddest site I have seen in a long time? In the park there is a zoo. That is apparently the main reason we were taking the kids to this park and so I had to be a part of parading the little kids past the animals. Animals in small, dirty cages. A lone elephant, eating what appeared to be dust. Three mangy seals in an empty pool. Lions and tigers with no space to roam, eat or find shade. A chimpanzee lying in the fetal position in the dirt. It was horrible. Even the kids, who tend to show a typically Korean lack of feeling for animals, were disturbed by what they saw. One of my students, Peter, remarked that all the animals were old and sick. Or suicidal I silently added.
Seeing the zoo made me so sad and I eventually gave in to tears standing across from the lions. Having seen them in the wild and the majesty with which they carry themselves, I couldn't handle staring and taking pictures of the sad, scrawny, tired cats.
It made me wonder a lot about humanity. On most days I have a lot of faith in people and in our capacity for compassion and kindness. But there are days, and today was one of them, where I can't believe some of the things we have done. How anyone could stand across from a primate, look into it's eyes that look so much like ours, and then laugh at their miserable condition escapes me. As a scientist, I know that humans are animals much like chimps, elephants or lions. Today I realized that we are sometimes more animal than human.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Where the Chips Fall
What the hell is coming to the world? A monkey named after an online Casino? That is far worse than naming your child "Chip" or "Bubba" - this affects an entire species...forever! What were these people thinking? Okay, so maybe it's funny for the first five minutes but then when you stop to consider what has actually been done and what idiots we are going to look like a thousand years from now, it's shameful. Obviously I am not in tune with the rest of the world. Gays want to get married? Sure, why not? The Pope? Sad but inevitable. Sports scandals? Don't care. But a monkey named after an online gaming site? Now that pisses me off.
It pisses off the monkeys too...they just don't know it yet. When they evolve enough to talk (and they will) there are going to be some very confused and angry talking monkeys out there.
It pisses off the monkeys too...they just don't know it yet. When they evolve enough to talk (and they will) there are going to be some very confused and angry talking monkeys out there.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
The war is not over yet, but another battle has been won. I have to say, that this issue is one that really perplexes me. Maintaining the definition of "traditional marriage"? As far as I know, traditional marriage doesn't have room for adultery or divorce either. Should we make those illegal too? Maybe the Tories would try to do exactly that if given a "mandate" (hip new word for freedom to destroy democracy and the separation of church and state), maybe they can try to reinstate the traditional role of women, or the traditional role of minorities too.
I wrote a letter to Paul Martin to thank him for all the hard work he has done in defense of the right to marry. This is my letter, followed by the response:
Anyway, it frustrates me to no end that the religious right and conservatives (who evidently have nothing better to do than run around trying to limit the rights of others) have engaged in a national letter-writing campaign and that whole churches will spend their Sunday school hours instructing five-year olds to write to the Dark Lord in Ottawa and stop the gays from taking over the world. The other side needs to say something too. That's the problem with being liberal, you tend not to get involved in other people's business. You tend to be more flexible and less stubborn. You tend to be less radical and therefore less vocal. Ultimately, you are less heard.
Incidentally, I interviewed Pat O'Brien (one of the loudest "defendants" of traditional marriage) several times about different topics and I found him to be intolerant and prejudiced, not to mention a little ignorant. He was opposed to sexual-orientation becoming protected under Canada's hate crime laws. That's right, he wanted to make sure that gay-bashing didn't result in harsher penalties. Because, otherwise, what would he and his friends do on a Saturday night?
He also spewed the same nonsense that homosexuality is a choice and that discussing it will make it a viable option for today's teens. Good Lord.
A shameless plug: Listen to my radio piece on gay rights in one Ontario school.
I wrote a letter to Paul Martin to thank him for all the hard work he has done in defense of the right to marry. This is my letter, followed by the response:
Pretty cool, huh?Dear Rt. Honourable Paul Martin,
I am a Canadian citizen currently living and working in South Korea. I have been following the
issue of gay marriage in Canada very closely and know that your government will table legislation this week, legalizing gay marriage. I want you to know how proud I am of you, the Liberal party and of Canada. Our willingness to extend rights, protection and respect to all members of society is what makes us great. In an increasingly conservative political climate, it takes guts to stand up and do what you know is right.
You are making our country greater and opening doors for people who have been knocking at them for a long time.
Thank you,
Sincerely,
Caroline E. Knox
Daegu, South Korea
Dear Ms. Knox:
On behalf of the Right Honourable
Paul Martin, I would like to acknowledge receipt of your recent e-mail regarding
same-sex marriage.
Please be assured that your comments have been carefully reviewed. Given his responsibilities for this matter, I have taken the liberty of forwarding your e-mail to the Honourable Irwin Cotler, Minister of Justice and Attorney General of Canada, who, I am certain, will also appreciate being made aware of your views and will wish to give them every consideration.
Thank you for writing to the Prime Minister.
L.A. Lavell
Executive
Correspondence Officer
Agent de correspondence
de la haute direction
Anyway, it frustrates me to no end that the religious right and conservatives (who evidently have nothing better to do than run around trying to limit the rights of others) have engaged in a national letter-writing campaign and that whole churches will spend their Sunday school hours instructing five-year olds to write to the Dark Lord in Ottawa and stop the gays from taking over the world. The other side needs to say something too. That's the problem with being liberal, you tend not to get involved in other people's business. You tend to be more flexible and less stubborn. You tend to be less radical and therefore less vocal. Ultimately, you are less heard.
Incidentally, I interviewed Pat O'Brien (one of the loudest "defendants" of traditional marriage) several times about different topics and I found him to be intolerant and prejudiced, not to mention a little ignorant. He was opposed to sexual-orientation becoming protected under Canada's hate crime laws. That's right, he wanted to make sure that gay-bashing didn't result in harsher penalties. Because, otherwise, what would he and his friends do on a Saturday night?
He also spewed the same nonsense that homosexuality is a choice and that discussing it will make it a viable option for today's teens. Good Lord.
A shameless plug: Listen to my radio piece on gay rights in one Ontario school.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Straight Life
A friend of ours recently returned from a trip home to America. It's pretty common, so we hear, to go home and encounter some reverse culture shock. I know that for me it will be getting used to the consumerism, the prices and the portion sizes at restaurants. It will be hard to remember to say "Excuse me" and not to push my way through. Brian asked our friend what he noticed the most and he didn't even hesitate, "The rules", he said.
This surprised me, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. There are no rules here. You can eat, drink, spit and ride your bike wherever you want. You can smoke anywhere. You can choose to buckle up, or not. You can ride your moped on the street or on the sidewalk and whether you wear a helmet or not is entirely up to you. Most traffic rules are merely suggestions and there is really no police presence to enforce the few rules that do exist. Even tax laws, citizen registration and medical benefits appear to be flexible.
Sounds chaotic doesn't it? Like fires, mayhem and crime would run rampant? Nope. It's safe and overall, incredibly well-behaved. People don't vandalize. They don't really use illicit drugs. They do have a higher traffic accident rate but I'm not sure what the direct cause of that is. People don't really steal or murder (I mean, it happens but at a much lower rate than in Western countries) and kids ride their bikes all over the place and I haven't seen one killed yet.
There is the flip side of course. They are rigid and don't adapt well to change. They don't question authority. They are restricted by far weightier consequences than the law. They are deathly afraid of shaming the family. They cannot think or process anything as an individual and always consider the group first. There are no privacy laws and people share everything. Your employer knows all your banking and medical information and dictates what hours you will work. There is no room for you only for us. You, as a person, are insignificant.
When I first came here I liked having rules and I thought the Canadian way was the right way. Now, I'm not so sure. I have seen both sides of it and there is something liberating about knowing that you can do what you want. A sense of personal accountability that has been sanitized at home. The government takes care of us and I used to love it. Now I think it's all a little weird. Having said that, things over here are a little crazy too.
Like most things in life (not to make this sound like a plug for mediocrity) the best way probably lies somewhere in the middle.
This surprised me, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. There are no rules here. You can eat, drink, spit and ride your bike wherever you want. You can smoke anywhere. You can choose to buckle up, or not. You can ride your moped on the street or on the sidewalk and whether you wear a helmet or not is entirely up to you. Most traffic rules are merely suggestions and there is really no police presence to enforce the few rules that do exist. Even tax laws, citizen registration and medical benefits appear to be flexible.
Sounds chaotic doesn't it? Like fires, mayhem and crime would run rampant? Nope. It's safe and overall, incredibly well-behaved. People don't vandalize. They don't really use illicit drugs. They do have a higher traffic accident rate but I'm not sure what the direct cause of that is. People don't really steal or murder (I mean, it happens but at a much lower rate than in Western countries) and kids ride their bikes all over the place and I haven't seen one killed yet.
There is the flip side of course. They are rigid and don't adapt well to change. They don't question authority. They are restricted by far weightier consequences than the law. They are deathly afraid of shaming the family. They cannot think or process anything as an individual and always consider the group first. There are no privacy laws and people share everything. Your employer knows all your banking and medical information and dictates what hours you will work. There is no room for you only for us. You, as a person, are insignificant.
When I first came here I liked having rules and I thought the Canadian way was the right way. Now, I'm not so sure. I have seen both sides of it and there is something liberating about knowing that you can do what you want. A sense of personal accountability that has been sanitized at home. The government takes care of us and I used to love it. Now I think it's all a little weird. Having said that, things over here are a little crazy too.
Like most things in life (not to make this sound like a plug for mediocrity) the best way probably lies somewhere in the middle.
Friday, April 08, 2005
A Life
Sometimes you take a picture that you are really happy with. This is one of my recent pictures...I'm venturing into portraits and so far I'm loving it. I love how you can see every line and every year he has lived, etched on his face.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Follow the Yellow Brick Road
The yellow dust from China is officially here...and it sucks. Apparently, the fine sand blows from 750 miles away, from the Gobi desert, onto the Korean peninsula and it has now settled in Daegu. I have been hearing that the "sand is coming" for the past couple of weeks but I didn't really know what to expect. One of my students said that it turns everything yellow. That's not true. What is true is that the air constantly feels like your driving down a country road behind a truck spewing dust in your direction...without the risk of a broken windshield.
I've always hated driving on dusty farm roads and now I live on one...for the next couple of weeks anyway. Apparently the Chinese have tried to cut down on the sand by planting grasses and plants in the desert but it hasn't exactly worked. It's a pretty big health concern here and in China because the sand is laden with heavy metals and causes eye and breathing problems. So, one asthma attack later, I might have to resort to the "asian face mask". Why not? I've already invested in a darth-vader sun visor.
On the bright side, Brian and I booked our tickets to Tokyo this week for June. We're climbing Mount Fuji! Me, Brian and the 20 pounds of sand we will have inhaled by then.
I've always hated driving on dusty farm roads and now I live on one...for the next couple of weeks anyway. Apparently the Chinese have tried to cut down on the sand by planting grasses and plants in the desert but it hasn't exactly worked. It's a pretty big health concern here and in China because the sand is laden with heavy metals and causes eye and breathing problems. So, one asthma attack later, I might have to resort to the "asian face mask". Why not? I've already invested in a darth-vader sun visor.
On the bright side, Brian and I booked our tickets to Tokyo this week for June. We're climbing Mount Fuji! Me, Brian and the 20 pounds of sand we will have inhaled by then.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Terri Schiavo
What is it about the Schiavo case that everybody is so interested in? What qualified it to be a major news story...for the networks to devote hours to her story? I've been thinking about this a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that it's not actually a major news story...despite what you may see on the news.
Being connected to a feeding tube isn't news. Neither is dying (despite what I may have been told in journalism school). It's not even really an assisted-suicide issue because what happened to Schiavo wasn't assisted suicide. Had she had a living will, dictating that her feeding tube be removed, there would have been no legal reason to keep her alive. A recent Canadian case, where a terminally-ill man wanted to kill himself, didn't get near the coverage that Schiavo did...and it was more of a story. The story didn't lie in her parents begging the government to save their daughter's life...just ask any parent of a death-row inmate how much the TV cameras care. What's interesting is that the story wasn't even a case of a popular uprising, where Americans en masse, demanded that Terri live. This story was self-servingly orchestrated by the religious right and then amplified by the media. What I can't believe is how many news organizations bought into it. This pack mentality is the second worst thing to happen to journalism (with media consolidation being the first) and nobody even seems to have noticed.
There were stories in the Schiavo case, don't get me wrong. A closer examination of the Bush brothers' capital punishment history butted up against their ridiculous comments about "erring on the side of life" might have been a good angle. But that's just me.
In other news, Alternet does it again.
Being connected to a feeding tube isn't news. Neither is dying (despite what I may have been told in journalism school). It's not even really an assisted-suicide issue because what happened to Schiavo wasn't assisted suicide. Had she had a living will, dictating that her feeding tube be removed, there would have been no legal reason to keep her alive. A recent Canadian case, where a terminally-ill man wanted to kill himself, didn't get near the coverage that Schiavo did...and it was more of a story. The story didn't lie in her parents begging the government to save their daughter's life...just ask any parent of a death-row inmate how much the TV cameras care. What's interesting is that the story wasn't even a case of a popular uprising, where Americans en masse, demanded that Terri live. This story was self-servingly orchestrated by the religious right and then amplified by the media. What I can't believe is how many news organizations bought into it. This pack mentality is the second worst thing to happen to journalism (with media consolidation being the first) and nobody even seems to have noticed.
There were stories in the Schiavo case, don't get me wrong. A closer examination of the Bush brothers' capital punishment history butted up against their ridiculous comments about "erring on the side of life" might have been a good angle. But that's just me.
In other news, Alternet does it again.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Featured
Today I was a blog of the day! How cool is that? I've always had a hard time writing for other people, and so I decided to turn to the anonymous beauty of blogging. (Okay, so it's not always anonymous.) I've always written and I've always hated being read. It stems from a couple of (apparently deeply-rooted) childhood memories:
1. In the fifth grade I sold poems for money. It made me feel like a whore...a ten-year-old nerdy whore, but a whore nonetheless.
2. A few years later I decided to bare my soul and allow myself to be vulnerable. I read my newest short story to my mother while she was brushing her hair. It was about horses. She said she didn't "get it".
3. A sneaky high school teacher entered one of my poems into a competition without my consent. I won the contest and was forced to attend a writers workshop with some famous author. He proceeded to analyze my writing to the point where I didn't even recognize it anymore. Pacifist tendencies...futility of war...feminist leanings. WTF?
Anyway, my husband (okay, I'll admit it - that feels weird) loves what I write, when I'm bold enough to share, and he always talks about the day when I will publish. I used to silently swear that would never happen and that the first order of business to be carried out upon my death would be the cremation of every word I'd ever set to paper or screen. I have recently begun to soften. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
People, who I don't know, read my blog. And they liked it. I don't feel like my soul has been left to rot in the open air and I haven't been ridiculed. It just felt nice...like somewhere out there, somebody gets it. And that, after all, is what it's all about.
1. In the fifth grade I sold poems for money. It made me feel like a whore...a ten-year-old nerdy whore, but a whore nonetheless.
2. A few years later I decided to bare my soul and allow myself to be vulnerable. I read my newest short story to my mother while she was brushing her hair. It was about horses. She said she didn't "get it".
3. A sneaky high school teacher entered one of my poems into a competition without my consent. I won the contest and was forced to attend a writers workshop with some famous author. He proceeded to analyze my writing to the point where I didn't even recognize it anymore. Pacifist tendencies...futility of war...feminist leanings. WTF?
Anyway, my husband (okay, I'll admit it - that feels weird) loves what I write, when I'm bold enough to share, and he always talks about the day when I will publish. I used to silently swear that would never happen and that the first order of business to be carried out upon my death would be the cremation of every word I'd ever set to paper or screen. I have recently begun to soften. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
People, who I don't know, read my blog. And they liked it. I don't feel like my soul has been left to rot in the open air and I haven't been ridiculed. It just felt nice...like somewhere out there, somebody gets it. And that, after all, is what it's all about.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Frank Rich does it again. Sometimes it makes so much sense and I just can't understand what people don't get.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Shivers
Sunday's earthquake in Japan sent shockwaves through the Korean peninsula and I didn't feel a thing. The quake measured just over a 4.0 here in Daegu and all of my students were talking about their swaying apartment buildings and things falling off the wall. Me? Nothing. What a rip off. The worst part is that this is the second earth quake I have missed in my life. There was a pretty big one when I was in California as a kid. Apparently my 12 year old sleeping mind assumed it was still on the rides at Disneyland.
I'm up and I can't sleep. Better yet, I can't sleep, so I am up.
I'm up and I can't sleep. Better yet, I can't sleep, so I am up.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Ding, Ding, Hell
My God - how could I forget to mention work? It sucks. In fact, it licks goat scrote...that's pretty bad. We have been fighting with the bosses for week and they just keep piling the work on. Meetings, reports about nothing, presentations about even less...it's never ending and it's all busy work. Koreans are procedure oriented not goal oriented so they always make us do this shit to keep us doing something. I could seriously sit there all day and do nothing and I would be better off than if I came in for 5 hours, worked my tail off and went home. Anyway, another co-worker has also been kicking up a fuss and recently received this warning which I thought summed up the Korean attitude pretty well:
"There is an old Chinese proverb that says that if theMinions? That would be us. Rising up? Asking for fair treatment. Beheading? Your guess is as good as mine.
minions rise up, beheading one of them will make the rest fall into line."
Moving to Cow Town
After a week of agonizing and flip-flopping, we finally decided where we will me moving in September. Our first choice was Victoria but after a lot of research we realized that it was way out of our price range. It's a nice idea, but the only thing we could afford was a fishing wharf. Now, I actually pitched the idea to Brian of living on said fishing wharf but was promptly refused. Now the book flap with my picture on it won't have the cool little blurb about living on a floating rat trap while I struggled to make two sentences meet. Ah well...
So, we are moving to Calgary. Which at first really disappointed me since I don't want to be in Alberta but I have come around to the idea somewhat. It's closer to our families and will hopefully allow us to still travel and enjoy the outdoors. It's not Hippyville BC (in fact, it's the complete opposite) but maybe I can open my own little commune. With a Starbucks of course, and lots of MEC gear. Sheesh.
Anyway, can't complain because Brian got into law school (at every school he applied to - yay Brian!) and we are going to buy a house and have a life and all that jazz. I might even get a job. Watch out.
So, we are moving to Calgary. Which at first really disappointed me since I don't want to be in Alberta but I have come around to the idea somewhat. It's closer to our families and will hopefully allow us to still travel and enjoy the outdoors. It's not Hippyville BC (in fact, it's the complete opposite) but maybe I can open my own little commune. With a Starbucks of course, and lots of MEC gear. Sheesh.
Anyway, can't complain because Brian got into law school (at every school he applied to - yay Brian!) and we are going to buy a house and have a life and all that jazz. I might even get a job. Watch out.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Bull Negotiations?
This past weekend we went to the International Bullfighting Festival in Cheungdo. It was pretty cool. I was a little apprehensive at first because I didn't want to see an animal gore another animal, but it was far more peaceful than that. Being Korean bulls, they were basically just stubborn pacifists. It was great day out in the countryside and once again I ended up on the news. White happy face...like bees to honey.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Proof!
We are still waiting to get our professional pictures back...but here is a teaser wedding shot for you!
Brian, Caroline and Kahu Silva
Brian, Caroline and Kahu Silva
World Wide Weird
Am I the only one who thinks the official North Korean webpage is a strange combination of creepy and humorous? I know Kim Jong Il is a nutcase and has killed people, divided families and snuffed out democracy, but he has a weird magnetism about him. He's like a naive, socially retarded, megalomaniac.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
What's in a Name?
I didn't change my name after I got married. I had never really thought about it to be honest. I didn't see any good reason for it, and Brian said he didn't mind either way, so I just kept it. I didn't do it to make a point, or because I am not fully committed to my husband. I am not a radical feminist (although, I don't think feminism is a dirty word, like some). I am not even opposed to the idea of changing your name, I just didn't think it was right for me.
I have been surprised by the reaction to this choice. Koreans, of course, think nothing of it. Women here never change their names. Some of my friends have been supportive, others haven't seemed to feel one way or another and some have been surprised. Surprised bordering on scornful. I don't think either set of parents are overly happy about it. Seeing the impact of my decision has forced me to re-evaluate my choice.
I am certainly not alone in struggling with this decision. Women in this century have made so many advances in their struggle for equality, but it's not over yet. Did you know that in 1972 it was illegal to get a driver's license or vote under your maiden name, in America. 1972!! That's nuts!
I have always been a Knox and the idea of suddenly changing my identity because of my marital status, bugged me. It just felt weird. I have finished two degrees and published under my name. I have made friends and contacts under my name. It is who I am. Brian agreed. He said that the idea of his name suddenly changing from one day to the next was strange and that if he doesn't have to do it, why should I? Good question.
I have to admit that I find being addressed as Mrs. Brian West, rather insulting. I know it's traditional and that people aren't intentionally being disrespectful, but really, think about it! I am a thinking, breathing individual who suddenly disappears because I get married. I always feel torn about these kinds of moral semantics. Part of me thinks "Sheesh, it's just a tradition. Why get so worked up about it?" The other part of me knows that if people don't try to change the little things, the big things (like pay inequality, under-funding of women's healthcare and international torture) don't stand a chance. The little things make up the foundation for sexist attitudes and assumptions. It makes certain attitudes acceptable, and these attitudes ultimately lead to inequality. I don't want to make "a mountain out of a molehill" but I do want my daughter to know that she can be anything or anybody that she wants. I want her to think of marriage as empowering, not an abandonment of self.
Let me reiterate that I do not think changing your name is the wrong thing to do. My mother did it, and the majority of women still do it. People have lots of reasons for adopting the tradition - the desire to share a family name, because they prefer their husbands to their own, but mostly, because it's what you do. I guess that is what bothers me. If you think about it, consider the options, and then decide to do it, that's great. It's the automatic acceptance of a tradition rooted in sexism, ownership and paternal descent, without rational consideration that continues to irk me.
Who knows? Maybe one day I will change my mind, and my name along with it. Until then, I am just happy being me...and married.
I have been surprised by the reaction to this choice. Koreans, of course, think nothing of it. Women here never change their names. Some of my friends have been supportive, others haven't seemed to feel one way or another and some have been surprised. Surprised bordering on scornful. I don't think either set of parents are overly happy about it. Seeing the impact of my decision has forced me to re-evaluate my choice.
I am certainly not alone in struggling with this decision. Women in this century have made so many advances in their struggle for equality, but it's not over yet. Did you know that in 1972 it was illegal to get a driver's license or vote under your maiden name, in America. 1972!! That's nuts!
I have always been a Knox and the idea of suddenly changing my identity because of my marital status, bugged me. It just felt weird. I have finished two degrees and published under my name. I have made friends and contacts under my name. It is who I am. Brian agreed. He said that the idea of his name suddenly changing from one day to the next was strange and that if he doesn't have to do it, why should I? Good question.
I have to admit that I find being addressed as Mrs. Brian West, rather insulting. I know it's traditional and that people aren't intentionally being disrespectful, but really, think about it! I am a thinking, breathing individual who suddenly disappears because I get married. I always feel torn about these kinds of moral semantics. Part of me thinks "Sheesh, it's just a tradition. Why get so worked up about it?" The other part of me knows that if people don't try to change the little things, the big things (like pay inequality, under-funding of women's healthcare and international torture) don't stand a chance. The little things make up the foundation for sexist attitudes and assumptions. It makes certain attitudes acceptable, and these attitudes ultimately lead to inequality. I don't want to make "a mountain out of a molehill" but I do want my daughter to know that she can be anything or anybody that she wants. I want her to think of marriage as empowering, not an abandonment of self.
Let me reiterate that I do not think changing your name is the wrong thing to do. My mother did it, and the majority of women still do it. People have lots of reasons for adopting the tradition - the desire to share a family name, because they prefer their husbands to their own, but mostly, because it's what you do. I guess that is what bothers me. If you think about it, consider the options, and then decide to do it, that's great. It's the automatic acceptance of a tradition rooted in sexism, ownership and paternal descent, without rational consideration that continues to irk me.
Who knows? Maybe one day I will change my mind, and my name along with it. Until then, I am just happy being me...and married.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Paradise...and Back
Hawaii was better than I thought it would be. I knew it would be beautiful, hot and full of native English speakers (a real bonus at this point in our lives) but I also thought it would be a bit too touristy for my taste. It wasn't. It was more beautiful than I had imagined and less busy and congested. There were plenty of empty beaches to walk along and not too much traffic. I fell in love.
We stayed at a great little place on the Windward side of the island. The cottages were right on a private beach...every morning I would walk along the beach, the aqua water on one side, palm trees on the other. Some mornings, I wouldn't see a single other person. It was like I was on my own private island...just me and my family. We decided to get married right where we were staying...on the beach, under a palm tree. Does it get any better than that?
There were a million things I wanted to do on the island, and sadly, I only managed to fit in a couple of them. I guess that means I will have to go back! I did manage to do a couple of cool things though:
1. I shopped my ass off at a really great mall. Didn't have a lot of money, but was loving brand names I could recognize. The food court was the best part of all...Brian and both walked right past the Korean BBQ joint. No way, no how.
2. I went swimming with turtles! We went to Turtle Beach and got really close to them. Later in the week, I went snorkeling and swam right into one. Coulda kissed it.
3. I ate fantastic food, on the beach.
4. I read to my hearts content.
5. I spent a lot of time with my family. It's never enough but I enjoyed every minute of it.
6. We went and watched a pro-surf competition and the world famous Banzai pipeline. That was impressive.
7. I swam in the ocean and did some boogie-boarding!
8. Did I mention the food?
9. We went to the International Marketplace in Waikiki...very cool.
10. I watched a sunset at Sunset Beach and swam in Waiamea Bay.
11. Ohhh...and I got married. :-)
We stayed at a great little place on the Windward side of the island. The cottages were right on a private beach...every morning I would walk along the beach, the aqua water on one side, palm trees on the other. Some mornings, I wouldn't see a single other person. It was like I was on my own private island...just me and my family. We decided to get married right where we were staying...on the beach, under a palm tree. Does it get any better than that?
There were a million things I wanted to do on the island, and sadly, I only managed to fit in a couple of them. I guess that means I will have to go back! I did manage to do a couple of cool things though:
1. I shopped my ass off at a really great mall. Didn't have a lot of money, but was loving brand names I could recognize. The food court was the best part of all...Brian and both walked right past the Korean BBQ joint. No way, no how.
2. I went swimming with turtles! We went to Turtle Beach and got really close to them. Later in the week, I went snorkeling and swam right into one. Coulda kissed it.
3. I ate fantastic food, on the beach.
4. I read to my hearts content.
5. I spent a lot of time with my family. It's never enough but I enjoyed every minute of it.
6. We went and watched a pro-surf competition and the world famous Banzai pipeline. That was impressive.
7. I swam in the ocean and did some boogie-boarding!
8. Did I mention the food?
9. We went to the International Marketplace in Waikiki...very cool.
10. I watched a sunset at Sunset Beach and swam in Waiamea Bay.
11. Ohhh...and I got married. :-)
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Wife!
So, I am officially married! Can you believe it? It still doesn't feel real. In a way I expected to feel different, although I know this makes no sense, but I don't. I just feel like regular old me...not that that's a bad thing.
The wedding was perfect. I know that is a big claim to make but in my mind, it was everything I could have ever dreamed of. I went to bed on the 23rd and was feeling anxious and a little ill. Not nervous so much as emotionally drained. Buying a dress and getting ready for a wedding can be very tiring! As I lay in bed I kept trying to wrap my head around the idea that I was getting married and I really couldn't. I fell asleep to the sound of rain against the windows. I woke up to the sound of rain. Uh oh.
It rained all morning. The makeup artist, Leslie Gallagher, showed up at 8:00 and started working on Bobbi, Patt and my Mum. She was really great. I couldn't stop moving and pacing all morning...my stomach kept doing flip flops. The boys and girls had been separated, so the men were all getting ready upstairs and the women were downstairs. At one point I looked out my window and Brian was out snorkeling in the ocean! I was pacing and he was snorkeling. That's the difference between men and women!
At about 10:30, all of the "wedding people" started to arrive. The musicians (ukelele and guitar), the photographer, my wedding planner, Tammy, and the officiant, Kahu Silva. I started to get excited and nervous and happy all at the same time. It was a strange mix of emotions - my family was all there and excited, the sun was starting to shine and I was in my dress.
Brian and I decided early on that we wanted a traditional Hawaiian style wedding. Kahu Silva is a Hawaiian spiritual guide and master chanter and does a really neat wedding that combines Hawaiian and western traditions. About 20 minutes before the wedding started, the sun came out and lit up our beach. Kahu Silva, Brian and Craig started down by the ocean and Kahu Silva chanted them in from the beach and onto the grass. This symbolized the Hawaiian belief that all life began in the ocean. After they were positioned, the musicians began to play the Hawaiian wedding song which was my cue. My maid of honour, Bobbi, walked out first and my Dad and I followed. It was beautiful. The music was perfect, the sun was shining, our families were all there in a big welcoming circle and Brian was standing there waiting for me. He looked amazing.
My Dad gave me away to Brian and we stood and faced Kahu Silva. The ceremony was really beautiful but difficult to describe. A lot of it was in Hawaiian and then translated in English. Hearing the Hawaiian was really neat...it flows so softly off the tongue. Kahu Silva talked about "Aloha", the spirit of love, and how to incorporate it into our lives. We did a traditional ring exchange ("With this ring, I thee wed...) as well as a Hawaiian lei exchange, where the lei's represent unity and eternity. Finally we did a "hone hone", a Hawaiian version of the wedding kiss. We touched nose and inhaled slightly, which represented an exchange of our souls, or spirits. Then we kissed the good old fashioned way and were married!
After hours of getting our pictures taken, the limousine showed up and took us to the reception, which was onboard the Star of Honolulu. The ship was anchored at Waikiki Harbour and was absolutely beautiful. I couldn't believe how lucky I was! We boarded the ship and made our way to the third deck. Our table was on the sunset side of the boat and as we left the harbour, the food (wine, lobster, filet mignon...) started to arrive. It was so good! We watched the sun set over Diamond Head, danced to great music and had a fantastic time.
After the boat returned to shore, the limousine took us to our hotel and Brian and I bid farewell to our families. We walked into the hotel (still wearing gown and tux) and I was greeted with a single rose by the bellboy. The hotel was the nicest place I had ever been! We checked in and were promptly upgraded two scales to an oceanfront room. A perfect ending to a perfect day.
And the rest, as they say, is history. ;-)
The wedding was perfect. I know that is a big claim to make but in my mind, it was everything I could have ever dreamed of. I went to bed on the 23rd and was feeling anxious and a little ill. Not nervous so much as emotionally drained. Buying a dress and getting ready for a wedding can be very tiring! As I lay in bed I kept trying to wrap my head around the idea that I was getting married and I really couldn't. I fell asleep to the sound of rain against the windows. I woke up to the sound of rain. Uh oh.
It rained all morning. The makeup artist, Leslie Gallagher, showed up at 8:00 and started working on Bobbi, Patt and my Mum. She was really great. I couldn't stop moving and pacing all morning...my stomach kept doing flip flops. The boys and girls had been separated, so the men were all getting ready upstairs and the women were downstairs. At one point I looked out my window and Brian was out snorkeling in the ocean! I was pacing and he was snorkeling. That's the difference between men and women!
At about 10:30, all of the "wedding people" started to arrive. The musicians (ukelele and guitar), the photographer, my wedding planner, Tammy, and the officiant, Kahu Silva. I started to get excited and nervous and happy all at the same time. It was a strange mix of emotions - my family was all there and excited, the sun was starting to shine and I was in my dress.
Brian and I decided early on that we wanted a traditional Hawaiian style wedding. Kahu Silva is a Hawaiian spiritual guide and master chanter and does a really neat wedding that combines Hawaiian and western traditions. About 20 minutes before the wedding started, the sun came out and lit up our beach. Kahu Silva, Brian and Craig started down by the ocean and Kahu Silva chanted them in from the beach and onto the grass. This symbolized the Hawaiian belief that all life began in the ocean. After they were positioned, the musicians began to play the Hawaiian wedding song which was my cue. My maid of honour, Bobbi, walked out first and my Dad and I followed. It was beautiful. The music was perfect, the sun was shining, our families were all there in a big welcoming circle and Brian was standing there waiting for me. He looked amazing.
My Dad gave me away to Brian and we stood and faced Kahu Silva. The ceremony was really beautiful but difficult to describe. A lot of it was in Hawaiian and then translated in English. Hearing the Hawaiian was really neat...it flows so softly off the tongue. Kahu Silva talked about "Aloha", the spirit of love, and how to incorporate it into our lives. We did a traditional ring exchange ("With this ring, I thee wed...) as well as a Hawaiian lei exchange, where the lei's represent unity and eternity. Finally we did a "hone hone", a Hawaiian version of the wedding kiss. We touched nose and inhaled slightly, which represented an exchange of our souls, or spirits. Then we kissed the good old fashioned way and were married!
After hours of getting our pictures taken, the limousine showed up and took us to the reception, which was onboard the Star of Honolulu. The ship was anchored at Waikiki Harbour and was absolutely beautiful. I couldn't believe how lucky I was! We boarded the ship and made our way to the third deck. Our table was on the sunset side of the boat and as we left the harbour, the food (wine, lobster, filet mignon...) started to arrive. It was so good! We watched the sun set over Diamond Head, danced to great music and had a fantastic time.
After the boat returned to shore, the limousine took us to our hotel and Brian and I bid farewell to our families. We walked into the hotel (still wearing gown and tux) and I was greeted with a single rose by the bellboy. The hotel was the nicest place I had ever been! We checked in and were promptly upgraded two scales to an oceanfront room. A perfect ending to a perfect day.
And the rest, as they say, is history. ;-)
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