Thursday, May 13, 2004

I am up late again. The days have been really hot and at night the rain keeps me awake. Mostly because it is coming through the ceiling above my bed. Only a few more nights in this apartment before I leave.

I like this apartment, despite its dripping roof. I like the yellow walls. I like that it is so small - it's cozy. I like that you have to duck so you don't hit your head coming into the bedroom. I love the squirrels that play outside my window. I love that it is mine. This could very well be the last place I live in that belongs entirely to me. I can walk around naked, and I do. I can get up in the middle of the night to make waffles, and I have. I can take three baths a day. I can have a dance party. I can clean like a neurotic obsessive compulsive or let the dishes pile up to the ceiling. I can put on my music as loud as I like. I can set my alarm for whatever ridiculous hour I please. I can vacuum at midnight.

I have been packing like a maniac all day. I miss Brian and I am worried about everything. I try not to be. I try to stay positive and I feel pretty happy, but there is a nagging fear that will not go away. I could easily be mistaking uncertaintly for fear...I have done that before. I don't know where we are moving or when and he and I have been apart for so long. It is hard to stay together when, well, when you never are. It is hard to stay on the same track when you only see each other every few weeks. If Brian and I make it through this, and I hope we do, it will have been the hardest thing I have ever done.

I was watching Dr.Phil the other day (my addiction to him deserves an entire entry if not its own blog) and he said that the way he measures himself as a husband and as a man is when he can say that if his wife were standing in a room full of a thousand other women, he knows that she would feel certain that none of them are treated better than she is. I thought about that when he said it and realized that I have exactly that. That makes me pretty lucky and sometimes I am far too quick to forget how lucky I am.

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