Car, job and a fixed address...

I've been made the official photographer at work...does life get any better than this? Yesterday I had an interview with the most amazing young woman, I'm doing more writing than I've ever done and today I get given a fancy new camera to play with. And I'm getting paid for this.

This past weekend my parents took Brian and I out for dinner at the Keg. The food was delicious but what I appreciated most was being able to spend time with my Mum and Dad. We headed out to Okotoks after dinner and ended up staying out there all day Sunday. Might have been because Mum cooked a big breakfast and then a chicken dinner, you can't really be sure. Either way it was really fun and relaxing. Dad and Brian went for a drive in the new car and talked engines and Mum and I just chatted. I have always gotten along really well with my parents (okay, not always but for the most part) but now we are entering a new phase it seems. They will always be my parents, and they've always been my friends but now we're all grown up and on equal footing. It's good.

The Error of My Ways

I can't believe I've been such an irresponsible pet owner. Shabba, things are going to change around here my little furry friend.

Don't even miss Dr. Phil...

I have a cubicle. I also have a computer, and a cork board, some filing cabinets and a really comfy desk chair. So far, so good.

I have been doing some really interesting work already and I'm feeling pretty excited about things. I have set up some interviews and worked on an ad campaign, done some web design and helped develop some creative material. I'm writing and branding and even did a SWOT analysis. I love it.

The people in my office are all really cool and nice. They're young and hip and go for drinks on Fridays. Welcome to Yuppieville...population? Whatever it was last week plus one.

Poetry?

MY CHILD HATES ME...

You betray me, I whisper in your ear
You ignore me, while I cry my silent tears

I spoil you and care for you when you are ill
But you forget, and once more my soul you kill

I do everything for you, I gave you my life
But your love for me is lost, overcome by strife

I know you are full of malevolence for me,
because I am not what you want me to be

Remember, if you need help I will be there
and no matter what happens, I always will care.

* Written by Me at Age 11. Was promptly referred to the counselor's Office.

UNTITLED

Do you weep Mr. Mulroney, do you weep?
Do you cry over us in your sleep?
Do you "boo", do you "hoo" as we are waiting
in queue, for the cheques, that are supposed
to come each week?
Do you weep Mr. Mulroney, do you weep?

* Age 13...where did I get this crap?

New and improved...

I've finally succumbed to the pressure that is Flickr and posted some pictures. Feel free to browse and leave comments...

Brian eats Crow...

barely.


I hope he chokes.

On the road again...

The past couple of days have been really incredible and I'm still on a high. We bought a car yesterday!! Its a VW Passat...which makes us official Calgary yuppies. It's really nice and although the colour (white) isn't exactly what I would have chosen it's already growing on me. We bought it from a really nice Chinese lady who is heading back to China this week and needed to sell it right away. That means we got a good deal and she sold her car. I felt really bad for her because she paid way too much for it...there's a reason car dealers get such a bad rep. Anyway, I think she was happy and we are definitely happy...and mobile!

Yesterday afternoon (about two hours after we bought the car)we headed out to Canmore in a snowstorm. Luckily the roads improved once we got into the mountains and everything was fine. We pulled up to our inn and fell in love almost as soon as we saw it. A Bear and Bison Inn sits on a hill in the shadow of the mountains surrounding the town. We went up to our room and couldn't believe how nice it was. It had a big fireplace in one corner and a jacuzzi tub in another. It had a huge four-poster bed with curtains on the side and a patio facing the mountains. It was absolutely stunning. We went out for a really nice dinner and then back to the Inn where we headed to the outdoor hot tub. It was just Brian and I and the snow was falling in big fat flakes. It was so relaxing and romantic. We drank champagne, chilled in the hot tub and just enjoyed each others company. The rest of the night also went well...

Camera pans from the bed to an open window...music crescendos...and cut.

This morning we got breakfast in bed and lazed about while the sun shone in the room. (Just so you know, I am fully aware this post sounds like a bad Harlequin - not that there are any good Harlequins- but I don't care. It's my anniversary and I can be as sappy as I like...) We walked around the town site and had a nice lunch. We also bought about $20 worth of fudge from a Dutch kid who got a real kick out of being a "professional fudge packer". Who knew a play on words could cross the language barrier so easily?

It was a perfect weekend and the perfect anniversary. On our way home we stopped at a Korean grocery store and were like two computer nerds at a Linux convention. We bought a bunch of stuff and the Koreans looked at us like we had perhaps stumbled into the wrong area of town. So we threw in some Korean and really left them baffled.

A new car, 50 lbs of fudge and a bucket of kimchi in the fridge. It's going to be a good weekend.

Quoth the Raven

It feels good to be right. Brian and I have had bets going on lately and so far I've won them all. First we had a disagreement that centered around how to make a bed. Brian insists that the top sheet should be tucked under the pillow so that when you grab it and pull back, your pillow is launched into the atmosphere like some down filled rocket ship. I, on the other hand, being well-versed in all things Martha, know how to properly make a bed. The top sheet should be folded down so that it can be pulled back without anything flying across the room. We made a bet to take a close look at how the bed in our hotel was made and lo and behold if I'm not owed a night out at the movies.

And...

Ravens DO TOO exist in North America. And that giant black bird tearing a large rodent to pieces on the side of the highway is NOT a crow but indeed, a raven.

Poe's Lost Verse...

First he laughed then started jeering, sure of self and never fearing
That he may find himself locked in lengthy combat once more
Nothing further did she utter, though her heart was all a flutter
In silence bread from certainty, her foot tapped on the car floor
"When will you see that I am right!?", her eyes still on the car floor
Quoth the husband, "Nevermore".

Family Pies

I have to be honest and tell you that my birthday kind of sucked. I was home alone for most of the day, with no car, little money and way too much time to think and contemplate the passing of time. Most of my birthdays in recent years have included some kind of party...some friends, some alcohol and enough of a celebration to remind me that I'll always be young at heart. This year was quiet and that made me feel a little old.

But, things did get a lot better the day after my birthday. Craig (the eldest of my two younger brothers) surprised me at my front door! I was so happy to see him and we had a great time hanging out. He completely annihilated Brian and I in Risk but otherwise it was great. We went out to stay with my parents on Saturday night and I took them for Korean food. That didn't go over so well. My Dad and brother liked it (despite my dad's remark that the noodles were like "boiled rubber bands") but my Mum didn't fancy the strange flavours and combinations. I of course loved it and it made me miss Korea all over again.

Yesterday we drove out to Bragg Creek in my Mum and Dad's new car (so nice!) to enjoy the beautiful weather. The mountains looked radiant and the sun was shining over the foothills. It was perfect. We stopped at a little bakery and had a coffee and some fresh baked pies. It was a nice little day with my family and it reminded me of why we moved back home. Pies and my family on a sunny day in the mountains. That's reason enough.

My life in 15ths...

February 15, 1990

Dear Diary,

My birthday!! I'm twelve years old! I love New Kids on the Block, there (sic) rad! I'm going to keep this diary for the rest of my life. In the year 3000 I hope someone finds this. Bye!

February 15th, 1992

I am now 14!! A whole 14! This weekend we went to Edmonton and I got to go to Red Lobster for dinner and I had 30 shrimp! I love shrimp! Mom took me birthday shopping at West Ed. and I got a plaid shirt, a belt, shoes and an Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt! Mom and I got a model makeover too...it was marvy. Right now there are these really cool shoes called Doc Martens and they have union jacks on the toes but they are way too expensive. So this weekend I took an old pair of black shoes and I spray painted them with union jacks (Dad helped me) and they look great!
I can't believe I am already 14. Sometimes I get scared when I think how fast everything is going and other times it feels really slow and I can't wait to get older. Sometimes I hate being a kid. One day I'm happy and the next day I want to cry. None of the guys like me...they all like Aysha. They think I am weird. Antoine told me the other day that he likes me but that I'm not pretty enough. Screw him! He likes Aysha too. I wonder if I will ever be cool or if anyone will ever get me. I always feel like I am living on another planet...people tell me that I'm too smart. Sometimes I believe them but sometimes I think it's just a nice way of saying "You're weird."

Last week in gym class Mr.Senft made us play the most sexist game!!! Get this! It was sort of like basketball but the guys and ONLY the guys had to play with one hand behind their back, also the boys only had one hoop they could score on and the girls had three! Because I resented the rules I played with one hand behind my back. The boys beat us anyway but that isn't the point! I was so mad afterwards, but some of the girls told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing. No wonder today's society is so sexist against women - the women stand for it!

Anyway, gotta go...happy birthday to me!!

Some introspection...

I will not be starting my 28th year as an unemployed woman. That's right folks, I got a job. And not just any old job...a great job! I have been offered the position of Communications Coordinator for the head office of the Heart and Stroke Foundation of Alberta, NWT and Nunavut. I'm so happy and relieved and excited. This position will be great since it combines my science background with my journalism degree and even though I'm "crossing over to the dark side" it's not really the dark side...it's the fluffy pink side that tries to keep Canadians from dying of heart disease. And I can feel good about that.

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday and this is making me feel a little more introspective than usual. This past year has been a big one for me. I lived in Korea, did a lot of traveling and got married. Moved back to Canada, bought a new house, learned how to do electrical wiring (!!) and am now embarking on a new career. That's a lot in one year! I can only hope that 28 is as good to me as 27 was...with a bit more money thrown in. And maybe a pet pig. A girl can dream...

Howling at the Moon

Last night we went on a night hike at Station Flats in Kananaskis country. It was incredible. Brian, his brother Dave and I left at about 9:00 and didn't get home until nearly 2:00 in the morning. The hike itself was short, only about 5 km, but it was beautiful. The moon was full and it was shining through the trees. It was fairly warm out, although it was a nice break when we stopped for hot chocolate. It was so nice to be out in the cool night air, with the coyotes yipping in the otherwise dead silence. Maybe living in Calgary isn't so bad after all.

Caroline's Life - January 28th, 1991

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile but I seriously lost you! So many things have happened since the last time I wrote. I went into junior high , got new friends, and new clothes, gone to at least 10 parties, got my hair cut short and I'm about to turn 13!! A teenager at last!! The school I switched to is Birchwood school and my favourite teacher is Mr. Jette. There are 36 kids in my class! And a lot of guys to choose from. But Mum won't let me date or let me invite boys to my party. Who ever said age 13 is a hard age was right! I wish I was cooler and people (guys) liked me but I'm too ugly for that, with my glasses and flat chest! I'm stuffing my shirt right now, 2 kleenex a day! I don't know what I'm going to do cuz next week we have a pool party! There are a lot of nice guys in the class like (exhaustive list of practically every guy in my class) NONE of the guys will ever like me more than a friend and even that is disputable. I'm so UGLY!! And I'm too hyper and weird. Mum and Dad bought a pool table - it's fun! Got to go, bye!

Agonizing...absolutely agonizing.

Brokeback Mountain

What can I say? I tried to reserve judgment about this movie and was afraid that after all the hype I would leave the theatre disappointed. I didn't. I left sad and frustrated and angry at people and the way they treat other people. I was awed by the performances and humbled by the scenery. It wasn't my favourite movie of all time but it was probably one of the best I've seen. Does that make sense? My favourite movies tend to be ones I would watch over and over again. I wouldn't watch this twice but I sure am glad I saw it. I hope the people who refuse to watch this movie because they "don't want to watch two guys kissing" challenge themselves and their beliefs and go to this film. They'll be better off for it.

Creatith the lightith...

I have conquered the unconquerable. This past weekend I rewired the electrical outlets and light switches on the main level. Now, the past few months have been a journey of self-discovery for me. I have gained skills I never thought I would have and a man hand that could bitch slap a walrus. I now feel comfortable in any aisle in Rona or Home Depot and could at least hazard a guess as to what most of their products do. I rest comfortably knowing that if the next great plague were to hit tomorrow and I was saved and forced to repopulate the earth, that I could build a nice little hut out of left over construction materials. And the interior would be creatively but not gaudily decorated.

But, the wiring? Wiring is guy stuff and I did it. I wasn't electrocuted, the lights work and the new rocker panels look lovely.

And on the seventh day she rested.

Maybe marriage is a mood stabilizer...

I think I'm seeping personality from my pores. (That would at least explain why my cat is always sniffing at me...that and a severe nipple fetish) As I get older I feel more normal every day. I feel less intelligent and I'm satisfied with that. I feel less kooky and that's not a problem either. I used to feel so full of emotion that just staring out the window for too long would make me cry and nights would be spent contemplating my own existence. I would become so overjoyed with the smell of fresh sheets that I would weep because I couldn't handle so much happiness all at once.

I used to hope that this would happen one day - that the waves of emotion that would carry me from black hole to brilliant high would even out and I could sail calm water into my thirties. Who knew it would actually happen? It sounds like a sad thing, a decent into mediocrity, but it doesn't feel sad. It feels wonderful. I'm happier existing in the middle.

Now don't get me wrong...when I do get angry I still want to rip my hair out and when I'm hurt I feel like there is a gaping, bloody hole in my chest. It all just happens less often.

Pathetic Ascetic

Things I live without:
cable, a microwave, disposable income, a stereo, a sandwich press, a vehicle, g-strings, call waiting and voicemail

Things I refuse to live without:
CBC radio, my hair straightner, my husband, my cat, a camera, a computer, the internet, running shoes and my library card

On the verge of employment?

I got a job interview!! I'm not going to say where in case I jinx it (nice skeptic I am...jinxes and such)but I am so happy...I want this job. Even if I don't get it though, getting the interview after sending out my resume 1,000 times is awesome. I will at least get the chance to talk with people and leave the house...whoopeee!

This post is so unpolitical it's groovy...

I've been feeling really great lately and I kind of want to bottle some of it and save it for a day when I'm feeling lousy, because eventually it will come. I feel happy and positive and optimistic and although I wasn't exactly in the depths of despair before Christmas, I wasn't feeling too confident either. I didn't want to throw myself in front of a bus so much as just trip into one so that people noticed I existed. "Did you see that crazy bitch? She just fell into the side of the bus! Look her face is all smooshed up against that hemorrhoid ad!"

I'm training for a sprint triathlon (which involves a 750m swim, 20 km bike and a 5 km run)this summer and so far it's going well. I'm starting off slowly and that's probably a good thing. In the past, whenever I have embarked on some kind of fitness program I have gone a little psycho at the beginning, only to peter out in the middle. This time I am going to swallow my pride and start as slow as they want me to. Anyway, I'm excited about it and curious to see how it all goes. I have my first swimming class this weekend, followed by my first U of C intramural volleyball game on Sunday night.

I'm working on some jobs and I am hoping so badly that I get the one I'm after. I will keep you posted. I feel better now then I did before though. Partly because I am actually going to places in person and talking to people. So even if I don't get the position I've left the house, interacted with another human being and possible left an impression. It's all good.

The house is coming along really well and I promise I will put some pictures up soon. There is a reason, however, why you don't see makeover "during" pictures. During usually doesn't look much better than "before"...it's the "after" we're after.

The West is in...quick, someone shut the door!

Sweet relief. I'm not going to complain or get on my soap box about how much I hate the Conservative party. He's on a short leash and I'm satisfied with that. Now the Liberals can get their shit together and prepare for the great battle in the years to come. I want to know where all those riding are that voted NDP...cuz' I'm moving there.

If I were Prime Minister...

If I were the PM of this wonderful country, this is what I would do:

1. I would revamp the education system and introduce a media and advertising course. I would have children learn about their role in the economy and the tactics used by those who wish to turn them into life-long consumers. I would have them study different advertising and marketing techniques and learn to critically evaluate the information they are bombarded with in the course of the day.

2. I would bring back physical education...and not just for young people. Grown ups could benefit from a daily 20 minute exercise recess too.

3. I would ban handguns. Those who use them for sports can either lock them up at an on location storage facility (if they are target shooters they have to go to the shooting range anyway, so why not store their guns there?) or move to America.

4. I would introduce creative sentencing and introduce tougher drinking and driving charges. First offense: license gone for a year. Second offense: gone for life. Third offense: charge them and send them to jail. I would provide good, effective addictions counseling in prisons. I would allow all prisoners to vote. They made mistakes, they are still citizens of this country.

5. I would provide financial incentives for those who choose public transportation. I would tax gas and I would invest in public transport and fuel alternatives.

6. I would remove the GST from feminine products...that's gander biased. We have to buy cotton rockets whether we like it or not. I would also remove it from books.

7. I would stop buying medical supplies from overseas. I would introduce a standardized medical supply production company and open factories in area of low employment. Said products (gloves, scissors, bedpans etc...) would be distributed across the country. Everyone would have access to the same supplies, the cost of healthcare would decrease dramatically (right now we pay $80 for each pair of American-made suture scissors...sheesh) and it would provide work where people need it most.

8. I would introduce a charge fee at the emergency room. Chronic illness and those suffering real emergencies would not have to pay the charge. Those with a runny nose would.

9. I would introduce a pay-work system in the government, similar to what already exists in the military. The government helps you pay for school provided you work in the civil service industry for a certain number of months/years.

10. I would provide more funding for low income housing and senior home care. Senior citizens would be paired up with low income families on a volunteer basis. Seniors feel like they have someone that cares about them, and single mothers get the help they need. The children end up with more involved adults and someone to come home to after school.

11. I would open more spots in medical school and work to make them less elitist. You shouldn't have to know at 21 what you want to be and have already taken all the pre-requisite courses. I would do away with American based standardized tests (LSAT,MCAT,GMAT,GRE etc.) and introduce similar tests, developed in Canada, and free to anyone who wishes to study and take them.

12. I would say "No, absolutely no, what the hell are you thinking" to the Americans with respect to the Missile defense program.

13. I would fund the CBC to the teeth. I would set up the written equivalent of the CBC and have a national newspaper, publicly funded and as unbiased as possible.

14. I would introduce exact proportional representation. Each vote would count for one vote in parliament. If in a riding the Liberal candidate received 5,000 votes but did not win the election, those 5,000 votes would be distributed to other liberal MP's. Each riding would still elect a representatives but the other votes would never be wasted. This means that parties like the Green Party that may only have one elected representative would still have the power of the 6% of Canadians who voted for them.

15. I would set up a free and voluntary exchange program for students across Canada. Students from all across the country would get the opportunity to live in another province for one semester. This would allow children to develop a national understanding and perspective. This would be especially helpful for the Quebec situation.

That's it for now, but I'm working on some more points. If this platform keeps developing at the rate it has been I'll be running in 2010..."Vote for me...I'm as sick of politics as you are!!"

Depletion in the Blogosphere...CFC's to blame?

Where have all the bloggers gone? Is blogging getting boring? It seems to me (and I include myself in this) that people have stopped blogging with the same intensity they used to. Maybe it's just the blogs I read and maybe it's because one of my bloggers is on vacation in China, with his Mum, but the craze appears to be dwindling. Don't get me wrong, there will always be blogging, just like there will always be hoola hoops and pogo sticks. I just want to know what everyone is doing with their free time....

So far 2006 is a mediocre year...

It's a New Year and I can't sleep. I've been up since about 4:00 for no good reason...maybe it's all those unacknowledged and unvocalized New Year's resolutions swimming around my head. Last year my resolution was to do the splits by 2006. I don't think I worked on it...even once. These are my resolutions for this year:

1. Quit smoking. (I figure that starting with something I already did a long time ago will start me off on the right track...)
2. Blog more and blog better...starting tomorrow.
3. Get a job. Way to aim high.
4. Lose some weight and eat better.
5. Call my friends more often.
6. Go somewhere I have never been before.
7. Learn a new skill. This is where my killer harmonica comes in...
8. Volunteer more.
9. Enjoy the moment.
10. Befriend a troop of mountain gorillas.
11. Remember not to get caught up in the life that is Calgary.
12. Be nicer to others and to myself.

How cool is this? It's my little brother's first academic paper and it's a very important one. I'm so proud of him. This is way better than that time he pretended to be a doctor on some online chat groups and convinced hundreds of people to abandon their medications.

God Rest Ye Merry Heathens

I'm sitting here at my brother's house in Edmonton, pecking away at his beautiful iBook...Mac makes amazing things. We drove up to Edmonton yesterday on a sunny, warm winter day. The prairies were never prettier and it was great to hang out with Brian (and my new Eminem CD).

The flooring is down in our living room and dining room! Brian worked all day Thursday and when I came home, he had installed all the flooring. It looks so great and the house is really starting to come together. I stood there on Wednesday evening with the Christmas tree lights on and I almost started to cry. Our house looks like a home.

I went to the library last week and it was like I had died and gone to Chapters. Twelve bucks a year and I can take out 99 items at a time! I'm a quick and voracious reader but I don't think I could read 99 books in a three week loan period. At any rate, it's nice to know the possibility exists. There were about a dozen Mormon missionaries at the library, all checking their email and writing home. A whole flock of them were standing right next the evolutionary biology section and I couldn't help but giggle at the irony. Elder's Smith and Tanner leaning on the likes of Darwin and E.O. Wilson...it was too much to handle.

It's my Mum's birthday today! When she was a child she used to think she was a day older than Jesus.

Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays and spending time with friends and family. Have a wonderful Christmas and remember, keep the "mas" in Christmas.

The Election

As a "stay at home worker" I am able to listen to the radio all day long while I sand and paint. There have been times in my life where I have wished that I could be put into traction, just so I could lie there all day and listen to the CBC. This is better than traction. And what better timing? The lead up to a national election...

Now as a Calgarian, I am expected to vote Christian Heritage and if I insist on being a left leaning patsy, to at least vote Conservative. There is basically no hope in hell of anyone but the Conservatives winning any of the ridings in this city. Albertans talk a lot about being excluded and voiceless in the political system...they should try being a non-conservative in this province. When people ask me how I am voting and I tell them they always look a little shocked. I know they just wanted to hear their own rhetoric come back at them so as to confirm their views but that's not going to happen. "But what about Gomery?!" they usually sputter. To which I reply, "What about Gomery?"

It's not that I'm not aware of AdScam or that I don't care. It's just that to me, the ad scandal doesn't even come close to outweighing all the good the Liberals have done. I am proud of Canada and of the Liberal legacy. Twelve years of surplus, 40,000 new jobs, and $60 billion paid to the deficit. We stood up to the Americans and kept our troops (limited as they may be) home. We've given homosexuals rights that they deserve to have. We've worked hard on Kyoto, on crime and on international relief. It hasn't been perfect but it's pretty good. It all comes down to priorities. Social policy vs. fiscal policy. To me, social policy and practice take precedence.

I don't need the Liberal party to make me scared of the Conservatives. they can do that on their own. One look at their platform and I'm convinced. But that is exactly the problem...people in Alberta do agree with them. There is a chasm of values across this country and I don't know how any party will fix it. In the meantime, I'll just stand on my side of the great divide and hope "the others" don't throw me over.

Back Like Bacon...

I never thought a couple of weeks could feel like an eternity. I also never realized how pathetically reliant I am on the internet to keep me connected to...life. I've had this little ball of anxiety flip-flopping in my stomach since I "left" and it's only now starting to dull in intensity. I couldn't email my friends, I couldn't read my blogs and I couldn't access all the newsy bits of information I like to digest with my coffee. (Keeps me regular.) But last night, Brian set up our new modem and I am good to go...

I have been working full time on our new place and loving every minute of it. I never knew how much I enjoyed "house stuff". I've always enjoyed houses, as in staying in them and hiding from the outside world, but this is new. I've painted ceilings, ripped up flooring, sanded, stripped, primed and painted walls. I'm on a first name basis with the guys at Rona and I have a man hand. My right hand is bigger than my left and all swollen from the work it's been doing. It's got cuts, calluses, blisters and scrapes. Every morning I wake up, fashion it into what has become a very strong claw and threaten Brian with the man claw. I look at my new hand and I feel alive...visual evidence of hard work and projects completed.

It's good that my hands have been kept busy because my head's been busier than it needs to be. When I was younger I used to try and describe my "busy head" as a train going through at high speed and never stopping. Loud. Unsettling. It's gotten much better in the past few years and the trains have been few and far between. It's not back yet but I can hear it coming down the track. The busier I am, the softer the train. I am stuck in one of those places that probably seem necessary and even humorous when you look back on them at 60 but are devastating at 27. I have no idea what I want or who I want to be. I am so stuck that I have considered being a manicurist, a writer, a birth coach, a nurse and a contractor...all in the last few weeks. And the only way to sort through everything is to just keep thinking...oh goody. All aboard!

Spaced Out

We moved into our new place this weekend and so far, so good. I have been working non-stop on painting, scrubbing and general fix-ups. The person who lived in the house before us must have been color blind and cross-eyed because everything clashes and is crooked. The electrical outlets are installed upside down, the bathtub had never been cleaned and the shelves aren't actually attached to the wall...just sort of wedged in there.

The only bad thing is that we haven't go our internet hooked up at the new house yet and so I'm at my Mum's writing this. I apologize in advance for all the unchecked blogs and unanswered email, both past and future. Blame Telus. When I get my internet up and running and I can converse again in the cyber realm, you will hear from me.

Oompas Loompas Dissapoint

When my "real life" starts next week and I've moved in to my own place things will be better. Right now I can't write. I can't think properly and my writing has taken a serious nose dive. I have all these plans...new blog template...audio blog...fiction contests and actually sending things away to be read, rejected, rejected, rejected and eventually published. As I sit writing this I am in our office/bedroom/closet/living room that has served as our "area" for the past few months. It's been so generous of my parents to let us stay here but our lives are so unsettled and I can't get the words on the page any more organized than the room I'm sitting in.

I have been wanting to see the new "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (with Johnny Depp) for ages now and last night we finally sat down and watched it. I was bitterly disappointed. I read and loved the books as a child (Roald Dahl is wonderful...I swear, if you haven't yet read "Fantastic Mr. Fox" you should do so quickly) and of course, loved the original film with Gene Wilder. Although Depp did a good job I can't help but feel he was mis-directed by Burton. The original Willy Wonka was kooky but warm and he loved children and the magical world only they could live in. He was a candy-making romantic. Depp was just dark, crazy and a little mean. They cut some important parts out of the film and it all sort of lost its charm. And the oompa loompas sucked. There was no bouncy little diddy following each child's disappearance...nope, they modernized that part. At one point all the oompa loompas (who, incidentally were carbon copies of a little Indian man) broke out into a disco/rap thing. Highly unimpressive.

The TV Lies

Despite what you may have seen on television and on the commercials, couples cannot walk hand in hand in their matching fleece jackets, down the aisles of Home Depot and not get into a fist fight by the time they hit plumbing supplies. In fact, what will happen is this:

W: Look at this nice carpet...I wonder how much it is? Maybe I should go and ask.
M: Well, are you going to buy it today?
W: No...I just thought it might be a good idea to ask so we have an idea of what kind of price we're looking at.
M: Humph.
W: Fine. Forget it.
M: Well, no, seriously...what are we even doing here? We've been here an hour.
W: An hour? That's nothing. I still haven't seen half the store. We have a lot of things to buy you know and so far (voice rises a pitch) I've been doing it all alone. I thought you might want to help.
M: What have you done all by yourself?
W: Everything! I've picked out the sheets, the paint colours, the duvets, the appliances...
M: That's because I don't care about that stuff.
W: (Jaw drops...followed closely by tears of injustice. She grabs the cart, swivels and stomps away to the lighting department where she proceeds to wipe her eyes under the glow of a thousand lightbulbs.)
M: (Gets angry that W just walked away...he heads to the screwdriver department. Not to think...just to look at screwdrivers.)

A reunion is conducted by cell phone and text messages. The reunion doesn't go so well because W is still upset and M is still thinking about screwdrivers.

M: I have told you a hundred times...I don't like shopping.
W: But this is Home-freakin-Depot. I thought it would be different!
M: It's not. I hate shopping.
W: How can you hate shopping...isn't this "manly stuff" (obviously still struggling with the concept)
M: I hate shopping for everything.
W: Oh. (Thinking..."Did you hate shopping for my wedding ring?...you jerk)

The couple leaves Home Depot never to return again...at least not together. The music crescendos...orange and white Home Depot sign appears. The end.

My Brilliant Little Man

I know I'm a left leaning liberal bordering on communist (according to some) but I have something to say about this whole AdScam thing and about the Gomery report in general. I'm glad the report was done and of course it spared Paul Martin but what nobody is saying is this...I didn't think AdScam was that big a deal. I thought it was sneaky and financially misleading but I also thought it was quite smart. I feel like nobody is taking into account the context of the times. The country was being pulled apart at the seams. Quebec was teetering on the edge of Canada and Jean Chretien was responsible for hauling them back over to solid ground. Not an easy job. So the ingenious little guy from Shawinigan finds a way to funnel money to Quebec (thus helping his party maintain it's position in the province), appear to help Quebec-Federal relations and get the money back at the end of the day. Jeez.

I think Chretien is a good man and I think he made an important comment during his "screw you all" speech following the release of the report. Because of his government we aren't counting body bags or struggling to find enough soldiers to send to Iraq. We are talking about the Ad scandal. I'm not saying that AdScam was okay, it wasn't. It was Canada's money and we should have known about it....BUT...most people don't ever know what their money is being spent on and for the most part they don't care. It's only when Joe Blow tells him to care that he's up in arms about his tax dollars. The Chretien Liberal government made a mistake. Show me a leadership that hasn't.

Bring on the Boxes

Giving my notice at the Bay was harder than it should have been. Man do I hate confrontation...that's why I make such a crappy journalist. I would rather avoid putting someone in an awkward position than ask them a though question. I never feel like it's my business even though I understand the idea of public life, the role of the media in democracy etc. Quitting was similar in that I felt guilty for leaving and afraid of what they would say. So I lied and told them I had a sick relative who needed me to take care of them. It's true in a sense, we are all related in an ethereal way to freedom and I need to take care of mine.

My last day of work is November 17th (next Thursday) and then it's all about the big move. I have been packing boxes and buying supplies like a crazy woman. I am trying not to get too excited because I still have a while to go and when I reach a certain level of anticipation I cease being reasonable and I start to get agitated. I want my new house and all the things that will come with it. Lots of space...time alone with Brian...baking in my own kitchen...decorating...house parties...all my books on a shelf.

My plan is to work full time on the house for the first few weeks after I quit. We are re-flooring and painting the entire house and of course it will need to be cleaned from top to bottom. That sounds like a full-time work to me. In a fun kind of way.

I quit.

Gimme Some Credit...

Today I was told that I belonged to The Bay. They are annoyed that I need an hour on Sunday's to go to hip hop (don't they understand, that's my church?) and an hour on Wednesday nights to skate. Apparently having a life, even a life that is only two hours long, outside of work is unacceptable. Oh, and they want me to work Christmas and New Years. Something tells me that I won't be there very long.

Which leads me to divulge the following insider information, free to anyone who chooses to use it:

1. They don't want your money, they just want you to sign up for the credit card. That's how they make their money. You can use this to your advantage; sign up for the card, get the discount and then pay it off immediately at the till. Yes, you can do that. Then you get the money off and they never get a red cent in interest. (Which sits at a criminal 23% I might add)

2. The Bay will adjust your price for two weeks. If you buy something and it goes on sale within two weeks, you can take your receipt in and get the difference back. And guess what? That applies to Boxing Day too...go in, get your pick of styles, colours and sizes and then spend your boxing day having your sales associate work for you.

3. It's illegal to adjust prices up but the Bay does it. They cut the old price ticket out and print up a new one. If you see a gaping hole where a price should be, pretend to call your MLA or lawyer and see what happens.

So there you go...use it as you will. And tell them associate # 14351464 sent you.

Hostile Takeover Sours Lunch Break

What can I say about life in the retail industry? It's a little mind numbing (not in a smoke a joint and play some video games kind of a way) but it passes the time. The people I work with are very nice and have actually told me I should leave and get a better job. The woman who told me that has been working at The Bay for nine years...maybe she should follow her own advice.

I'm feeling a little demoralized lately, despite all the "When I graduated I had to make falafel pitas for 12 hours a day to make money" pep talks. They aren't really working. I think it's because I know that deep down, I'm too lazy to do what it takes to get a better job. I could go knocking door to door, volunteer for shifts at CBC radio and pitch freelance stories to the newspapers. But I don't. I just put on my black Bay vest and name tag and head off for work. Where I smile all day and have a laugh with the girls and don't have to think about anything. It's Valium for the working girl.

The Gomery report came out today and didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. It was Halloween yesterday and I don't think I saw a single home made costume...how sad. What else? I started my ice skating class last week and I'm a SUPERSTAR. At least mediocrity hasn't followed me on to the ice.

Buzzin behind bars...

For the first time in history, Ralph Klein has done something I actually agree with. I was reading the newspaper the other day and on the front page was a story about how the Alberta prison director had decided to cut all caffeine from the prisons...the following week. No real rhyme or reason except for vaguely mentioned "health reasons" and with insignificant time to wean yourself off of your 15 coffees a day. This story bothered me on several levels...first, it was going to result in a seriously pissed off prison population within the week. Already in jail and recently banned from smoking, these poor people are going to be edgy. Secondly, it triggered an area of underlying frustration I have in the North American prison system. A frustration I plan on elaborating on, right now:

Historically, prisons were designed for two reasons. To hold criminals until they could go to court and to protect the rest of society from the really bad people. In my opinion, our perspectives on incarceration have gotten so twisted that everyone who ever makes a mistake of an illegal nature is sent behind bars. How cruel and utterly unimaginative.

People who go to prison should be people who are guilty of serious crimes and who are more than likely going to re-offend. They need to be put behind bars to protect those in front of bars, not to punish said offenders. There are so many other, more beneficial and less punitive ways of dealing with people. This was my objection to Martha Stewart being jailed...that is not who jail is for. It is also not for the 15 year old girl who, in a fit of rage, runs over her abusive boyfriend with a car. Chances are, she won't ever do that again and in different circumstances, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. Jail is not for the guy who is so hooked on meth that he breaks into some house and is so high that he can't find his way out again and is caught having a nap in the bath tub.

Now, this is not to say that these people shouldn't be punished or helped. Have them do community service, have the young, abused murderer go to schools and talk about domestic violence and young people. Have the drunk driver give talks on how it feels to know you killed someone. The courts seem to neglect the power of human emotion...guilt goes a long way and shouldn't be ignored. Most people suffer enough from the nights spent wondering how they could do what they did, and the "What ifs?"...they don't need to lose their freedom any further.

Which brings me to my next point. Human freedom is the most sought after, fought for, desired, treasured and basic of human rights. To remove freedom for tax evasion is cruel and unnecessary. It's expensive for tax payers, there is no evidence whatsoever that it acts as a deterrent and it usually introduces troubled people to even more troubling ideas. A tax evader would be better served by having to give free financial counseling to poor, single mothers, or by having to work for the community to pay off what he owes, then by being incarcerated. And so would the rest of society.

Leave jails for the sociopaths who cannot show compassion and for repeat offenders who are a danger to the rest of us.

Okay...now back to the caffeine thing. So, it isn't bad enough that these people are in jail, now they also can't have a cup of coffee. Nice. Ralph Klein read the same news story I did and was "dismayed" by what he read...and he put a stop to it real quick. And that is what he did to make me think, that maybe (just maybe) he's not such a jerk after all.

Down by the Bay, where the disenchantment grows...

I'm trying really hard to like living here and more specifically, to like my life. I don't hate Calgary or my existence but I do sometimes feel a lack of excitement about them. The sunrises in the morning are probably some of the most fantastical on earth...I usually produce a muffled "Humph" to compete with the louder "Ooohs" and "Ahhhs". I catch myself being impressed with the mountains caught in my rear view mirror but it never lasts as long as I feel it should.

I miss Korea more than I thought I would. I don't miss all of it...just the excitement of living overseas. I miss the food and of course, the prices. I miss always having loads of money. I miss my little Susie. I miss knowing that within the next few months I'll be visiting China, or Japan or both. I miss hearing another language. I miss having Brian to myself every day and I miss him and I having our own little life, all to ourselves.

I have the travel bug again and I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I'm starting to wonder if it isn't some pathology, this desire to always be going somewhere else. Why do so many people seem so content to stay put while I am not?

In other news (and probably not unrelated news) I got a job at the Bay. I lied by omission and neglected to tell them about my Master's degree. I told them I was in Korea for the past two years to explain that missing year of employment. Then, when they asked me what my plans were I told them I was going to work for the next few years to support my husband and then go back to school to be a kindergarten teacher. Or go on a shooting rampage during your next big White Sale...whatever happens first.

Hey Ralph...Buck Off!

Now, anyone who routinely reads my blog will know that I am not a big fan of Ralph Klein. I don't hate him as much as I used to but he still bugs me. The way he maniacally cut social programs and then degraded the people who couldn't get jobs bugged me. The way he takes credit for all of Alberta's money and ignores the fact that our primary resource is at $65 a barrel bugs me. The fact that he ignores Alberta voters, snubs his nose at referendums and shouts "Not withstanding clause" at every opportunity bugs me but this? This really bugs me.

I think the idea of giving each Albertan $400 is a poor one. His Ralph bucks have worked in the past though so I guess I can't blame him for trying. But to sell the idea by spending an additional $65,000?! The province should be outraged, but apparently, they're not. According to the most recent polls only about 14% of Albertans want the $400 cheque. Now Ralph is taking out newspaper ads to convince people that they should want the money. When do we get to take out ads to convince Ralph to spend the money on the social programs he so easily cut? Or better yet, when do I get the chance to have a 30 second TV spot to "encourage" Klein to remove the crown from his head and the stick from his ass and retire?

With a vengeance...

I never thought I would be so happy to hear the voice. It has always amused me and I've always enjoyed his deep throated wittisisms but today it was like I heard Jesus himself on the radio. Actually, it was more like a herald angel I suppose since it was what followed that left me truly excited. That's right, the angel of news radio herself, Anna Maria Tremonti. Welcome back Anna Maria and Bernard and Shelagh. I've missed you Peter and Ian and Mr. Bryson.

And to make things even better, Anna Maria is discussing labour relations on today's show. I love it.

Zero Percent Down

Some good news...Brian and I bought a house!! Our very first real-life-married-people house. It's a three bedroom townhouse near the University and we are really excited about it. It needs some work, which only makes it better because now I get to throw on a kerchief and some overalls and live out my mortgage commercial dream. You know, the one with the young couple painting their first house together, all youthful and glowing with anticipation. Or post coital flush...it's hard to tell in only 30 seconds. Bad part is we don't get to move in until the 20th of November. Good part is that gives me plenty of time to shop.

I go in for surgery tomorrow. After some run ins with the doctors (who apparently think people know nothing about basic medicine) and a twelve hour stint at the Emergency room on Saturday it will all be over. Hopefully. I'm feeling nervous but I'll be glad when this is finished. I've been feeling like shit for the past few weeks and it feels like this whole episode has lasted years instead of a month. I just hope they give me some sweet drugs when I wake up. The last time I had surgery I woke up so loopy that I actually believed I had the power to make people disappear and reappear from the room just by blinking my eyes. Imagine that.

Amoto quaeramus seria ludo...

First of all I have to say that I feel pretty damn lucky. I have some great friends from all around the world and although I have always known that I was reminded of it this week. Thank you to all the wonderful people who emailed me with their words of encouragement. For some reason I have always had a really hard time hearing kind words directed my way. They make me feel embarrassed and a little queasy. But this time it just felt good.

Things are going well. I am scheduled for surgery next Wednesday and although I hate going under (not intended as a slight towards any Aussies) it will be good to have it all over and done with. Hopefully nothing progresses naturally in the meantime because I have been warned by nurses and doctors alike "If you start to bleed go directly to the hospital." Got it. I haven't really asked what would happen if instead I decided to make a seven course meal and play some football but I can imagine.

In other news, this experience has caused me to have a religious transformation. I have come to realize that building my life around a lack of belief is not constructive. I am now a believer.

Lost and Found...and Lost again.

I haven't written for awhile...not because I haven't had anything to write about but because it's been too hard to write about. I'm not going to get into the details but basically this is what happened:

1. Found out I was pregnant. Cried because my life was over. "What about all our plans to be a yuppie city couple who go for downtown drinks on Friday nights?"
2. Wrapped our heads around the idea that we were going to be parents.
3. Started to get really excited. Saw ourselves differently and started to plan. I adapted to the idea of being a yuppie mother who does downtown prenatal yoga on Friday afternoons.
4. Had a miscarriage.
5. Went for an ultrasound and was told "No! Everything is still there...you didn't miscarry." They showed me the image of a perfect little mini-baby...it all felt real for the first time.
6. My newly adapted mommy heart lept for joy.
7. "There is no heartbeat." My leaping heart stopped leaping and just started to flutter out of confusion. It finally settled on numb.

So that's that. An emotional rollercoaster of a week if I've ever had one. And I thought the time time the nurse said "metastastic cells" when she meant "metaplastic cells" was bad.

Living my life vacariously...for the time being

My friend, Chris O'Leary, has a great story in the newest "edition" of hooplife.ca...you should check it out and nominate him for some kind of sports writing award.

I Hate Alberta's Beefs

On Monday I got all dressed up like I actually had a job and headed off to do my radio interviews. The first one was with a political science professor who, in my opinion, typified whiny Albertans. He wants to separate because we aren't appreciated enough and "every once in a while I would like to get a Thank you card from the rest of Canada..." Jesus Christ. My tongue was practically bitten off by the time I left...I think I disagreed with pretty much everything he said. The bad part is that he's not really considered a nutjob in these parts...more of a vocal majority. I have a question for the rest of the province...

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??

Alberta currently has a $7 billion + surplus and the lowest unemployment rate around. The countryside is beautiful and the businesses are innovative and booming. The housing market is good and people are flocking here from the rest of Canada to get jobs. We pay NO provincial sales tax and our premier regularly sends us GST rebates. So what is everyone so pissed off about? I've heard the same old answers to my question...

"We need to be treated as an equal."
Guess what, we're not equals. We have 3 million people in this province...not even close to what Ontario and Quebec deal with.

"We're ignored by the rest of Canada."
Boo mother f'n hoo. Alberta ignores the rest of Canada too.

"Ottawa is full of suits who don't know what they're doing...just look at the gun registry."
Okay, gun registry was dumb...in practice if not in principal. All the parties are made up of "suits" and what the hell does that mean anyway?

I always get the impression that there is nothing that Ottawa could do that would make Alberta stop whining. We are the spoiled rich kid in the parking lot and we need a good kick in the ass.

Misunderstood Youth

I have some bad childhood memories of the Terry Fox run. I remember reading a ValueTale book about him when I was about eight or nine and it really inspired me. I decided that in order to really do the Terry Fox run right, you should try and do it like Terry Fox. Only then could you really understand how difficult it must have been to get up and run every day like he did. So I started practicing the "hop-hop-step". I practiced in the backyard and in my room until I had it perfected. Then I went to the school wide Terry Fox run. I had gone door to door and raised my money and I was so excited to show everyone how good I was. The day of the run was cold and wet and grey. I wore my little pink sweatpants and matching sweatshirt as we lined up on the soccer field. The whistle blew and I started (probably beaming)...hop hop step, hop hop step.

After my first lap I was pulled to the side by a teacher and warned to stop "mocking" Terry Fox. I didn't even know what mocking meant. I kept going, sure that Terry would have been proud. By the end of the second lap, the school principal was waiting for me at the last bend. She grabbed my arm and pulled me off the course. I remember how big she was and how angry she looked and I was thoroughly confused. "Terry Fox was a Canadian hero...not a joke. You are to go sit down on those bleachers and think about what you have done."

I sat on those bleachers in the rain and cried. I watched all the kids doing their normal kid runs around the field and felt completely alone. How could anyone be mad at me? I had tried to show my solidarity with Terry and worked so hard to raise money. I remember thinking that if only Terry were here, he would save me. He would have said all the things I couldn't to the principal and he would have seen what I was trying to do.

This year I am running in the Terry Fox run again. And I hope by some chance I see my old school principal...so I can kick her in the teeth.

Fraggled

The last few days have brought about some life changing events. First of all, I have signed up for a hip hop dance class. That's right folks. My friend, Gina, and I will be hipping and hopping ourselves all over Calgary. Here's how Gina's pitch went:

-"So, I've been wanting to take this class and I thought you might want to do it with me...?"
-"What is it?" (I ask, just hoping it doesn't involve too much exercise. Gina is very fit.)
-"Hip Hop dancing. They have this class on Sunday afternoons and it's cheap...I'll even drive you there if you want!"
-"Can I think about it? I mean, what would it be exactly?"
-"The brochure says they teach you to do specific moves and then you learn a whole choreographed routine."
-"And what would I wear to this class?"
-"I dunno...bling probably."
-"I don't know if I have any bling..."
-"And the best part is, after we learn the routine, we can go to the BAR!"

So, long story short, I'm taking a Hip Hop class with Gina and I'm super excited about it. I also signed up for ice-skating lessons. (Coming Soon: "P. Diddy Backup Dancers on Ice") And convinced Brian to sign up for "Couples Massage". Watch out world, I am going to be one limber, ice dancer.

In more exciting news, I'm getting paid to do radio. I answered an ad on Craiglist for some contract radio work and low and behold if it isn't a great opportunity. The guy called me and it turns out he and his wife have been working for CBC for years and that most recently they were in Jerusalem. Before that, Moscow. As the producer for "The National" in Moscow. Not a bad guy to know. On Monday I have some interviews set up and then I'm to send the tapes etc. to Toronto. Freelance work. Radio freelance work. For a very nice man with connections at CBC. I don't feel so hopeless any more.

Dance your cares away, troubles for another day, let the music play...

Wind Becomes Windsurfers Windfall

Koizumi! Bless you...

I really like this guy and although I don't always agree with his views (particularly on war-time aggression) I do like his policies...besides, forcing an election the way he did took major kahunas.

Wrestling with the MediOgre

Let's hope my recent melancholic musings are fueled by estrogen, because if they're not, I'm screwed. I feel like a failure...a loser even. I'm back in Canada with no journalistic proof of my journey abroad and no great job perspectives. I am looking for a job in communications because it pays better and more importantly because I'm too lazy and unmotivated to be a decent freelancer. I don't even have a job title. I'm not a neuroscientist, I'm not a journalist. If I get work, what will I be? A "communicator"? Big deal, even my cat can communicate.

I always had big dreams and for the past few weeks I have been telling myself that I need to face reality and that my dreams of being a novelist/doctor/feminist politician/rock climber/orphanage opener/ were just that...dreams. Silly dreams. Until I realized in an early morning clear headed moment that really, I had just failed to apply myself. Ever. To anything.

It seems that the only commitment I have ever made and kept was to mediocrity.

Bright Ideas

Check out OurMedia for some amazing videos of the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. They have lots of cool media stuff including a recent interview with Heather B. Armstrong of dooce. com (rated the number 10 best blog in the world) while she was attending BlogHer, a recent conference hosted by women bloggers. While you're at it, check out Post Secret if you haven't already - it's incredible.

Some Home Grown Pics...

I had forgotten how beautiful Alberta is...


There are constant rumours that postcard companies digitally add Alberta skies to their pictures...sounds like an urban legend to me, but looking at these skies it's not entirely impossible.


Brian and his brother, Dave, hiking in the mountains.

First Days

Today is Brian's first day of school. We got up really early and I ironed his clothes (how post-modern of me) while he shaved. I was as nervous and excited as he was. I drove him to the train station so he could start his first commute into the city. I know Brian is my husband and a grown and fully capable adult, but a part of me wanted to take a picture of him standing in front of the house, backpack in hand. I got an inkling of how mothers of first-graders must feel...very proud and a little left behind.

Love Hurts

I want to rip my own face off. This is not some acid-trip-induced psychotic thing, it's a cat thing. I am very allergic to my cat, Shabba. And Shabba (because life is like that) loves to cuddle. He wants to wrap his furry body around my neck and rub his whiskers on my face. He's cute...very cute. So sometimes I give in because he's just so warm and purring like a little engine. Then the itching starts. First the eyes and then the nose. After that comes the sneezing spasms. Normally I love to sneeze but 15 times in a row is a lot for anybody...I feel like I need a post-coital cigarette after sneezing that many times. Now I'm locked away in the bedroom and he's meowing at the door. I love him so much, and I tell him so between wheezes and sniffles. I just don't know how much longer I can take this...anyone want a cat?

I Want My Mother...Corp

For the past year I have been dying to get back to CBC Radio. I listened to it in Korea via the internet (the time change meant I could listen to CBC Overnight regularly - a life's dream fulfilled) but it was never quite the same. Now, here I am back in Canada and the CBC is locked out. Nooooooo!

I can't believe it...no Mary Lou Findlay, no Shelagh Rogers or Anna Maria Tremonti (and no Samira Hussain). Just as the hockey dispute gets settled we are facing a season without Don and Ron. Peter Mansbridge is no where to be found. Where am I going to get my news?! If you think I'm going to turn to CTV and watch that plastic mannequin man, you've got another thing coming.

I understand the position that the union is taking. Regularly having CBC employees on contracts is wrong. Some contracts are good, but when nationally recognized and awarded journalists are living contract to contract, something has to change. The CBC needs some help...mostly financially but also from Canadians. Canadians have a tendency to take things for granted. The CBC is our national treasure. It unites us and entertains us. It keeps us informed without all the animations, scare tactics and explosive diatribes of the news shows beamed from down south. And Peter Mansbridge is hot.

Even Margaret Wente agrees with me.

Write to Paul and get him to give the CBC more money...maybe that way I can get a job there...or at the very least, a contract.

Mi Casa

Home. A four letter word, but not in the usual sense. It's hard to describe how it feels to be back. I was far more excited to return than I ever thought I would be. All of my life I have been waiting for my next big trip...planning another adventure. This time I was anxious to come home and ready to stay there. But, when the plane finally landed (24 hours after it left...ugh) I felt a mix of emotions...relief, excitement, and a bit of sadness that my life in Asia was now in the past. There were times where I hated living in Asia, I cursed their "backwards" ways and longed for a taste of home more than once. Now, I want to go back and I may just find myself heading to Chinatown as a refuge from the outside world.

Some things I've noticed since coming home:

1. People are loud. Everybody sounds like they are yelling all the time. There is no quiet calm anywhere it seems.

2. Serving sizes and the people who eat said serving sizes, are much bigger. I'm sure this isn't correct but I get the impression that everyone is a little overweight. Comparatively that is.

3. People here are very anal about personal space. This one is funny because when I first moved to Korea I would have said the same thing about them. There is no personal space in Korea. Here, there is so much that it seems everyone is forever calculating the greatest space to distance ratio in order to stand/shop/sit accordingly. Yesterday I stood behind some guy in line at the grocery store and had obviously miscalculated. I was too close and he let me know it with a look. I could have had my hand in his back pocket in Korea and he wouldn't have cared...or noticed.

4. There is a lot of stuff here and everybody wants it. Buy stuff, wear stuff, carry stuff, eat stuff, sell stuff, collect stuff, clean stuff and drive stuff.

5. On the upside, it's beautiful. I mean "take your breath away, shed a tear" stunning. We drove in from the airport and all we could see was a giant blue sky...like a blanket over the whole earth. The fields were turning from green to gold and the mountains were etched in the horizon in the distance. It really is the most beautiful country I have ever seen.

6. Everything is clean and well-organized. It lacks some character this way because every intersection has the same shops and stores as all the other streets but it's "nice".

7. The toilets flush. And you can sit on them.

8. People, for the most part, have no idea what Asia is like and cannot begin to understand what the last year of my life has been like. They also don't really care all that much. I'm home and that's what matters.

9. The public transportation here sucks compared to Asia. Taxis are expensive and everyone just drives.

10. And finally, but most importantly, it's home.

I have mixed feelings about being back but I'm here and I don't really have a choice. It's very nice to see my family again and it's really relaxing to be able to speak English and function so easily. I am going to give myself the time it will take to get "re-acquainted" and then see how I feel. But right now, I would kill for a bowl of tchenjon chegay and an hour at a bath house.

First Amherst...Next, the World

Way to go CFI. It's about time.

Spamspot.com

This is the funniest story I have heard in a while.

We got an email the other day from Brian's Mum, detailing the first few weeks of law school for Brian. Now, Brian keeps warning me that he'll be so busy at school and not to expect to see him much. (I know what professional school is like...I went to journalism school, remember? Sorry, just had to pick myself up from the floor...that was a good one.) In the first week Brian has a Welcome Lunch, a buffet breakfast, a bowling night, a softball tounament, a golf tournament and later in the month a dinner and dance. I want to go to law school...I love bowling.

Last night we flew home from Koh Samui. That's right - we flew...no more fourteen hour bus/boat rides for this girl. It took an hour to get here. The Koh Samui airport looks like a cross between "Gilligans Island" and a night safari. I hate flying, and let me tell you, seeing an airport made of cocunut trees without a roof made me a little nervous...but it was cool.

In a few days we wil fly home. I can't believe it...it's been so long and this year has been very eventful. Brian and I are starting to try and figure out where we are going to live and what we are going to do. Buy? Rent? Car? Bus pass? The difficult thing is that most of the answers depend on me and what kind of job I get. Gulp...a job. I have no idea what I want to do and for the next few years at least I am going to be the "bread winner". That's a lot of pressure. My two little brothers are both still in univesity and they have jobs lined up for when they finish...good ones. Brian will be a lawyer. What the hell am I? Part scientist, part journalist? Sheesh. My Mom keeps reminding me that I will need to get a job right away (like I didn't know) and the pressure is mounting. All I want is to go back to school (that's all I ever want) and Brian just wants to work. If only we could switch places...or win the lottery.

Brian is out filming his movie today and I am hanging out in Bangkok solo. No worries...I know this place like the back of my hand now.

In more random news:
1. What the hell is with this blogger/comment spam going around? It's seriously pissing me off.
2. Way to go out Mr. HS Thompson. I like it.

Down With Conformity...Do What I'm Doing!

At breakfast Brian and I decided to blow this popsicle stand and head to Koh Samui. We kept trying to deny it but we both really hated Koh Phagnan. We were starting to think we really sucked and had horrible attitudes until we started talking to some other people. The Dutch couple who we met yesterday were also leaving and had come to the conclusion that the island was crap. They had been to Koh Toa and Samui and much preferred both. Now, remember that today is the day of the full moon party...an event that draws thousands of people to the island, and that we were going the opposite direction. We felt like traitors and then we felt like rebels and then, as the day went on, we just felt smart.

On the pier we were surprised to see a lot of people leaving (even more arriving mind you) and met a guy called "Irish" who was a character and a half. Sporting an upside down American flag on his back pack he was making a point of insuting everyone on the pier...loudly. He had been beaten up the night before (can't imagine why) but had managed to convince the Thai police that he was an Irish policeman so they, as their brotherly duty, went and pummeled the two guys who had beaten him. The poor Thai guy selling drinks for 10 baht was offered 20 baht to "let me shove the drink up your arsehole" and as we were walking past the crowds arriving on the island, he jumped up and decreed on high that this place "is a shithole" and to "Get back on the boat if you've an ounce of brains in your thick skulls". Compared to him, Brian and I are a puddle of sunshine.

Koh Samui is fantastic. I will never go to Koh Phagnan again but I will gladly return here. The people are nicer and the island is prettier...it's got more to do and of course, it doesn't hurt that we went all out (after weeks of paying 200 baht a night for hotel rooms) and booked a room at the Peace Resort for 2,500 baht a night. The last place we were staying at was called Cookies and although the gardens were nice, the bungalows were crap. Dark, damp and with walls weaved from palm leaves it was a dingy place all in all. The bathroom was entirely concrete and host to several families of bugs...no flush toilet and no hot water. The Peace Resort is fantastic...it's easily the nicest place I have ever stayed. A private bungalow near the beach, with fluffy towels and a bathtub! The toilet flushes and there is even a TV and a mini bar. It didn't take five minutes for Brian to declare his new life philosophy: "Screw Cookies. I'm done with Cookies."

We had been really torn about leaving before the full moon party and felt like we should go because everyone goes. As I sat in the beach front restaurant tonight, drinking my red wine and eating my roasted duck, I could hear the party from across the water. I felt like I had escaped by the skin of my teeth. It's pretty ironic that a party that started as a counter culture movement has become so packaged...I felt like a social freak for leaving.

The proud owner of a jeep and TWO hotel rooms

The last few days have been good...yesterday we had a beach day and chilled on our our little private beach. The water was blue-green and a warm as a bath. The sand was nice and I walked around topless...that's the good life. It's also a good thing about Thailand...most of the tourists here are European, where topless is just normal. (The French even have a word for it...a "monokini". Ha! I thought that was so funny!) We had lunch, played cards, swam, read and dozed under a plam tree. In the evening we watched the sunset over the water...it was beautiful.

I was so tired this morning...Brent's girlfriend (the one with the limited vocabulary) showed up and they retreated from the restaurant about the same time we headed for bed. Then the music started. Brent's bungalow (shack is more ike it...but what do you want for $4?) is right next door to ours and the music was loud. We tolerated it for awhile but when the same Jack Johnson CD went on for the fourth time we had to put our foot down. We didn't want to be the heavy-handed-pro-capitilist-anti-freedom-corportate borgs but we were tired.

We rented a jeep today and took it out around the island...that was very cool. We picked up a couple of Dutch hitch hikers and toured all the beaches. We drove through the mountainous jungle roads and saw some really cool things...giant coconut trees, waterless waterfalls, mountain villages and about 1,000 stray dogs. After having our brains rattled for a few hours on the bumpy roads, we headed home.

As it started to rain we saw a hotel by the pier. We had the jeep for 24 hours and I couldn't face another night (especially a wet one) in our bug-infested "bungalow". We managed to get the last room and paid for two rooms tonight. I didn't care...this room has pillows (white ones as opposed to the usual grey) and sheets! Better yet, it has real walls. I am living in the lap of luxury.

Crawlies in the Weave

Maybe it was the hair...maybe it reminded it of its long lost mother...either way, there was a giant spider on my head today. As big as my hand. It ran across my face and at first I thought it was one of my braids so I brushed it off. Then it ran right across my face again, over my eye and its body blotted out the sun for a fraction of a second. Long enough for me to realize what it was. I screamed and swatted at my head. Eventually it jumped off (leaped maybe) and ran under the back tire of a jeep. I'm not really scared of spiders in general but I was a little jumpy for the rest of the day!

Ko Phagnan isn't exactly what I expected (are you surprised? I wasn't.) It could just be the full moon party at the end of the week, but there is an entirely different cast of characters on this island. Brent is a good example...we met Brent this morning on our way up the hill from our guesthouse (which is a shithole, but that's another story). Brent is from Washington D.C and has been travelling for 3 months..."It's been a total mind trip ya know? I forget English all the time now and like, talking to fellow Americans (Canadians, but why be petty?) it's like totally blowin' my mind..." Ditto.

Brent has a shoulder that he can't move because he drove his rented motorbike into a ditch while trying to ride down a mountain drunk. Brent has lost 15 pounds because he stopped eating a few weeks ago and now only drinks beer. He has two Thai "girlfriends" (and an extra at home but "she's Indonesian so she understands what it's like"...hmmm) one of whom can only say two words in English - "Yes" and "fucking". How appropriate. Brent is a 4.0 student in an honours business program at the American University...or at least he was, until he started doing drugs all day long and now says he needs to go home and get tested for every STD known to man. Nice. Brent also says we "should totally come out and party at the Amsterdam bar tonight...I guarantee you (this is said with a very earnest expression) it will blow your mind."

I am reading Are You Experienced? (by William Sutcliffe) right now, it's about a young guy traveling India and the things he sees and the people he meets. Brian read it too, passed it to me when he was done and said "That's how I feel" I thought the least I could do was read it. It's quite good and pretty funny...and the character, Dave, is acidic if a bit sad. He's lost and isn't buying all the hippie BS he encounters from fellow travelers, who are all carrying around the book (Lonely Planet). At one point his friend throws the book out the train window and Dave nearly has a heart attack..."But, how will we find all the other travelers?" My favourite part is when Dave goes running up to the only other white face on a train platform...it's a journalist from Reuters. The journalist berates him: "Your kind of travel is all about low horizons dressed up as open-mindedness. You have no interest in India, and no sensitivity for the problems this country is trying to face up to," and ends up shouting: "DON'T FORGET TO PUT YOUR BIG TRIP DOWN ON THE CV!" I thought that was pretty funny.

MADS (Me Against Drunk Shopping)

After getting so annoyed with Bangkok that I could do nothing but sulk in a hot and smelly road-side bar I decided to put said establishment to good use. I started drinking. I kept drinking all day...beer for lunch and then for pre dinner drinks. Cheap cold Singha beer to dull me to expensive, hot Khoa San Road. It actually did the opposite...it endeared me to it! That's when I realized that this whole time I was complaining it was my fault. I was just too sober to appreciate the finer subqualities of the road's culture.

I did all the things a drunk person should do on KS. I shopped and bartered like a crazy person (probably more like a drunk person), I bought a fake international press card, complete with my picture (valid for ten years...that should give me enough time to actually do some journalism) and got my hair braided down my back...bubble gum pink. Now that was an experience in bladder control...three hours spent sitting with people yanking on your hair and a husband feeding you beers and no bathroom in site. When I did finally go I was a good looking blur of pink tendrils, let me tell you.

Brian is going to be an extra in a movie next week! We walked past this big sign calling for actors and stopped to check it out. Next thing we know, he's being measured for a costume...he's a natural.

How Bazaar

All I've ever heard about is how great the shopping is in Bangkok. I call bullshit. From what I can tell, it's lousy. Yesterday we went to the weekend market (the famous "if it isn't here, it doesn't exist" market) and it sucked. The stuff was the same I've seen everywhere but the quality was worse. The prices were ridiculous and the stuff was just crap. The shopping in Kuala Lumpur was ten time better than Bangkok, and that's what is so frustrating. We were in KL and bought nothing. We had heard nothing but how Bangkok was the place to shop so we left empty-handed. Even Chiang Mai was better than Bangkok and guess what? We didn't buy much there either.

From what I've seen, China has the best shopping. The markets had everything under the sun, the vendors were fun and were good at bargaining and the products were fairly good quality. Here, the vendors don't really bargain (today we had a lady take shirts out of our hands and put them back on the table because she didn't like our counter offer!) and when they do it's half-hearted. I feel disgruntled and dissapointed.

I can't wait to get out of Bangkok. It's pretty bad when the best deal going are the spring rolls on Khoa San Road.

Appreciation in hindsight...

When I lived in Korea I used to get really frustrated at the lack of attention paid to tourists. There were no English signs or pamphlets, no posted bus or train schedules and nothing in the country was organized. It was really frustrating. Here in Bangkok, the opposite is true. Everything is geared for tourists and I hate it. It's so cliched to not appreciate what you have when you have it but I'm afraid that's what I have done. Korea is one of the least toured countries in the world and is only just opening up to the tourism industry. Every festival and market we went to was for Koreans...we just happened to tag along. In hindsight, it is a refreshing and novel way to travel.

I constantly feel like I am being processed here. It wasn't as bad down south (funny enough, as that's where the beaches are) but Bangkok is really bad. Everyone is dressed the same and they're carrying around the same Lonely Planet as though it's their cult Bible...and in a way it is. The clothes at the market are all the same. The food at the restaurants is all the same. Everything is over priced, poorly made and nothing is unique or personal. Dreadlocks, which have usually been as a rejection of society's norms of beauty and style, can be bought on the street for $25. They're weaving them in for God's sakes and people are eating it up.

I never thought I would say this but right now, I would love to get that "You're white! What the hell are you doing in my country?" stare I used to hate so much.

Thai'd in Knots

Thai massage isn't quite what I had imagined. It was more like, I don't know, pleasant torture. I had a killer foot massage the other day so I decided to go back to the same place for an hour long massage. It started out pretty normal. I put on some comfy pyjama looking clothes (only later would I realize this was for easy transport from massage mat to operating table) and lay down on the massage mat. A large Thai woman came in and did a little bow and started rubbing my feet. Ahhh...

The next thing I know, she was using her elbows to pummel my calf muscles. I was being kneaded (after all, isn't that what everyone wants?) like pizza dough. I thought about saying something but kept quiet. I knew Brian was in the waiting room (hates being massaged...says that strangers touching him is creepy) so if I needed interference, it was available. I decided to just relax and try to enjoy the experience. I got pulled, twisted, stretched and cracked. The woman climbed on my back and walked all over me...and it didn't even hurt! It was like passive yoga meets chiropractics meets massage. I really started to enjoy it at some point and by the end I was feeling very relaxed and my muscles were like jelly, which after all, is the point.

A full hour of this and an awesome experience all for five bucks. What a deal.

Hey! Nice Thai!

Thai food has always been my favourite "ethnic cuisine" (if that term still applies these days) and today I learned how to cook heaps of it. We took a cooking class at Pad Thai Cookery school and learned how to make curry pastes, carve vegetables (for some reason, my carrot "Man looks over bridge contemplating his existential self" didn't fare as well as some chicks tomato rose...what can you do?), make soups, stir fry's and some very yummy deserts. I am excited to go home and cook up a big Thai meal for my friends and family. Maybe I'll open up a restaurant and call it Thai, and Thai Again. Groan.

We also went to see The Island. It's funny being all the way over here because we end up missing all the hoopla and buildup to a typical Hollywood movie. We end up watching it through naive eyes and I can tell you, it makes a difference. I have never been a huge Hollywood fan but lately the movies are worse. Fight scenes that go on for hours, car chases that break the rules of physics not to mention the laws of good film making. The dialogue is horrendous and the plots, predictable. The Island wasn't so bad (it had the sci-fi element of science and ethics which engaged my brain a little bit) but there were definitely some laughable scenes. Like when the two main characters fall 70 stories off the side of a building (hanging onto a billboard for safety) and manage to escape unharmed.

As contrast, I offer my most recent read The Surgeon of Crowthorne by Simon Winchester (also the author of another favourite, Krakatoa). What an interesting book. It tells the story of Dr. Minor and James Murray, two men responsible for the Oxford English Dictionary. Sounds a bit boring, but it's not. A true story, full of madness and murder, about something we all take for granted. I had never really thought much about dictionaries until I read this. Can you imagine not having one? Shakespeare apparently did not have access to a dictionary...he couldn't check to see if he had used a word correctly or check its spelling. He couldn't even "look up" a word or a thing (like "elephant"...how the hell would he know what an elephant was!?) because the concept didn't even exist. There was no where to look. In a word like ours where we can find out anything about anything in a few minutes, that blew my mind.

A big Happy Birthday to my not so little, little brother...wish I was there kiddo!

From Grey to Black and Blue

Yesterday we went on a one day trek through the jungle. We visited the Hmong hill tribe at their mountain village and spent time walking around and seeing how they live. Like many of the hill tribes in Thailand, the Hmong are allowed to gro opium for personal use. The people there were really friendly and I felt lucky to have the opportunity to see such a different way of life. We also visited the a Karen hill tribe and watched them weaving their traditional cloth. It's so beautiful...silks and fine threads all woven together in the most stunning patterns. The Karen are Thailand's largest hill tribe and are still engaged in constant conflict with the Burmese government. They are technically from Burma (Myanmar if you insist) but are being pushed out of the country and are being forced to live in refugee camps along the border. The Thai government has clued in to the fact that the Karen are a tourist attraction (a lot of them are known as "long neck" since they wear gold loops to elongate their necks) and are setting them up in "traditional villages" in Thailand. The ones we visited were far from the border and were living a closer approximation to authentic tribe life but you still have to wonder.

We also spent some time on a back of a big elephant and rode him through the jungle. I was bit reluctant to support the whole "ride an elephant" thing but at the same time, they are a huge (s'cuse the pun) part of Thai culture. It was cool but I was satisfied with the 45 minute ride. I wouldn't have enjoyed anything longer. I did love feeding the elephant some sugarcane when we were finished and I whispered an apology into its ear. Elephants eyes always look a little sad (even in the wild) so I'm not sure if he understood me.

After the elephants we went to look at a waterfall. We hadn't been there more than two minutes when I slipped on the rock and fell right on my hip. Boy did that hurt. It meant the bamboo rafting was out (Brian went and loved it) and I spent the rest of the afternoon in the van. Bummer. Oh well, at least it happened after the hill tribes and not first thing in the morning.

We've collected two really impressive bruises so far this trip, although Brian's story is far more heroic.

Let's Meat in the Middle

Before I left for Korea I was a vegetarian. Shortly after I arrived in Korea I realized that maintaining that lifestyle was going to be very difficult if not impossible. I started eating meat, telling myself it was the culturally sensitive thing to do, and promised myself that I would return to being veggie as soon as I could. Chiang Mai is a vegetarian's dream. Every restaurant offers vegan, vegetarian and macrobiotic options and I haven't had a single one (not entirely true...we had some great fallafels). I have found that I really love eating meat. I used to always tell people how easy it was to replace meat with non-meat alternatives and how usually you couldn't even tell the difference. That's true. But I have yet to see a decent soy replacement for a big juicy steak. What am I to do? Part of me thinks that I should go back to being veggie and do what I know is the right thing for the environment, the food market and the third world. The other part of me can't wait to get home and bite into my Mom's famous roast chicken and some Tim Horton's chili. So, I've decided to launch a campaign. Well, David Suzuki launched it...I'm just advertising it. Eat one meat-free meal a week and help Caroline live guilt free. I figure if I can convince six other people to eat veggie for one day a week then that should equate to one full-blown vegetarian and relieve me from duty.

That way I can have my steak and eat it too.

Full Moon

Last night we had some great Mexican food (I know...we're in Thailand and we're eating Mexican food. What can I say? It's been a long year) at a little place called El Toro. While we were sitting there we were approached by a little boy, about ten or twelve..."Hey brother! Hey sister! Buy some gum...20 baht! You kissy, kissy long time." (this was followed by pursed lips and a long smooching sound). We had to laugh. We bought his gum (because we've been buying everything we're offered) and noticed that he was also carrying around a game of Connect Four. We asked him what the deal was..."100 baht. You win, I pay you 100 baht. I win, you pay me. Come on brother!" We laughed and talked with him for awhile...he was very entertaining and obviously clever. I tried to scare him off by telling the boy that Brian was the Canadian Connect Four champion. "If he champion, why him so scared?" He was very quick. We finally gave in and signed up for what we were sure would be a quick match. It was...he whooped Brian's ass.

Eventually we ended up talking to a young British couple next to us and had a few drinks. We ended up at their table and closed down the restaurant. They (Felicity and Simon) were really neat and we were having a great time. The bar had closed, the lights were out and we were still sitting there, chatting away. As the night progressed we ended up returning to their hotel pool for a skinny dip. It was so much fun. We swam for what seemed like ages and by the time Brian and I hauled our soaked selves home it was nearly 6:00 am. We couldn't figure out why people were going to work until we realized what time it was.

By the end of the night we had made two new friends, helped out a sizeable group of Chiang Mai's street kids, Brian had been solicited by a topless hooker and we had swum butt naked under a Thai moon. Not a bad evening.

Everybody Grab Your Ankles!

Brian has gone to watch Muay Thai boxing for the night and I decided to stay home. So here I sit at our guest house in Chiang Mai. After one night in Bangkok (cue 80's music here...) we decided to head north. As luck would have it, Bangkok had one more in store for us...

You know that feeling when you know you're getting screwed but you don't really know what to do about it (anyone who has taught English in Korea will know what I mean)? Yah, that was us at the tourist agency in Bangkok. The pushy sales lady told us it would cost 890 baht to get from Bangkok to Chaing Mai. Too much. "For you, special price...790 baht." she says. Still too much. We knew it was too much. This greasy lady had an easy answer for every question we asked...

"Why are those French people paying 700?"
"Oh, they go tomorrow...tomorrow special price. You go tonight, more expensive."
"Hmmm...well, maybe we should go tomorrow too..."
"Bangkok very expensive. You stay here one more night it more expensive than to stay in Chiang Mai. They pay cheap price plus hotel tonight. You get better deal."
"Maybe we can go in the daytime tomorrow..."
"Sleeping all night is cheaper because you don't have to pay hotel."
"But I won't see anything if I go at night..."
"Nothing to see."
"Isn't Chiang Mai in the Northern mountains...lush cool green forests and all that?"
"You can see later. More leg room if you go on night bus."
"OK, that's just a bold faced lie."
"Thanks. You have bold face too."

Anyway, she won. Not because we are suckers and we didn't know what we were doing but because we wanted to get the heck out of Bangkok. So we paid 790 baht. Then we checked with the other ticket office once we got where we were going and they charge 400 baht. Just what we figured.

So last night we rode the bus all night to Chiang Mai and arrived at 6:00 in the morning. We paid 150 baht (the snake lady tried to get us to book with her "sister" for 450 baht. Ha!) and went straight to a guest house to sleep. In the afternoon we found our "permanent residence" (in Chiang Mai at least) and booked for a few days. We've been having a rough go of things and we are both feeling tired of travelling. We feel like this trip is the opportunity of a lifetime but piggy backing it on to the end of our time in Korea may have been a bad idea. We are tired and perpetually unenthusiastic it seems, which is a real shame. All I want is to go home...to where a store is a store, a restaurant is a restaurant and a street is for cars. The melee of curry, tuk-tuks and hawkers is quickly losing its charm.